Agnostics prayer

Dear lord.

Although I myself am not sure if you exist,  I have high hopes you do.  Please do not hold it against me in the end for my doubts.  Everyone has questions and mine just haven't been answered yet.  I do not think you would be the way most in this world make you out to be.  I would like to think of you as a loving God.  A forgiving God.  A remorseful one.  An understanding one with no judgements at all towards any living creature.  I do not pray often.  I have faith though it may not seem like it....lately it has been lacking. I now pray in hopes that you do exist, and listen and will hopefully take me into consideration although maybe I don't deserve it.

I pray you keep my family safe.  To watch over my children.  I want them more than any thing in this world to be happy, healthy and obtain intelligence about life itself.  I pray for the ability to be always provide for their needs and to teach them the important lessons in life.  To be good people with good morals and manners.  To have respect for human kind and all the worlds wondrous creatures and life.  To want to make a difference in this world, not only for themselves but for others.  To know that happiness is what you make it.  Not what you have.  I pray they always stay full of life, love and creativity.  I pray they won't be like me.

I pray for you to bring peace and happiness to my mother.  To give her strength.  To keep her healthy.  To stay in my life as well as my children's for as long as possible.  I pray that you can give her the break in life that she needs and is well deserved.  She is an incredible woman that has always lived a very rough road.  She has went through so much and has always come through with grace and understanding.  She is wise and loving.  She more than anyone I know deserves to have things fall into place for her.

Please watch over and bless my family and my friends.  Most of these people are amazing people who do so much for others and live day to day and struggle quite a bit with unfortunate events.  It seems as though many people i have known for most of my life have always struggled and dealt with situations undeserved.  They have remained remarkable, honest and caring even when it seemed they shouldn't have been.  Give them peace.

I love Mark.  He is an amazing man and lately maybe I haven't been the best of person towards him due to past occurrences.  He has found strength he didn't know he had and has overcame a lot of the demons he struggles with everyday.  He has been trying to to make things right between us.  He has proven he indeed loves me and his children.  He is caring not just for us but for others and had tried to the best of his ability to help and provide.  Please give him peace of mind.  I want the best for him and our children.  His quiet thoughtful nature has always been something that has intrigued me.  I would like to take a lesson from it.  Although we have our troubles and as of right now it is still a working process.  Whatever happens with us,  I just want him to be ok and to live his life to it's fullest.

Watch over Eric.  I hope all is well with him.  I hope he is finding peace with himself and coming to terms with his own demons.  That he is finding happiness where he is at.  I wish the world for him.  I love and miss him dearly.  I still feel broken without him here.  I know things could never be, and it is selfish of me.  Doesn't stop me from wishing it were or even still could be.  I find myself still aching.   I hope he sees me as his friend, someone needed in his life, someone he is happy to hear from.   I hope all his dreams come true and if we ever do see the other again.  We will laugh. 


I do not ask for material possessions.  I do not ask for money.  All I ask for myself is for things to fall into place.  I am grateful for all the things I have in my life. I ask for wisdom, understanding and grace.  There are many things that I want.  Most I know I can't have or need.  I do not ask for them.  I want peace.  I want to be able to sleep at night.  I want it to be known I am a good person with a huge heart.  I care for everyone around me and wish the best for them.  I feel others pain whenever I hear of bad situations.  I wish I could take it all away.  I have my own demons and fights I want to be relieved from.  To come to terms with them.  I want to be able to live a happy full life with no regrets.  To be able to say in the end I did the best I could for people and my children and it turned out ok.  To say that my honesty, virtues and charity was because I wanted to give my part to make this world a little bit better or to say I at least tried.  I people to be able to say that they knew me, and they were glad.  I want the world to be a better place, with no hunger, homeless or pain.  For people to be able to look at another without hatred.  For the many different wars in llife to find mutual common ground and live in peace with their neighbors.  Please keep me from falling into myself.  To stop seeing myself as this ugly, horrible person.  To be able to smile at my reflection.  To be able to love myself.

My prayer isn't much.  Maybe it's a little selfish after all.  But if you do exist.  I hope you listen.  

Moving

i am finally getting out of this god forsaken piece of a shit apartment.  I looked at a house a few days ago...one that I actually liked within my price range.  And I am now renting my first house.  I get the keys to it Monday.  It is a fairly large 3 bedroom, 1 bath, living room, dining room, extra storage building, fenced in yard.  I am so excited.  I need this.  My family needs this.  I can't wait.

Hopefully this will be the start of my string of bad luck finally coming to a slow end.  Maybe not.  But at least it is something good and deserved finally coming into my life.  Maybe now things will start to fall into place for my family and I.

Work has been insane.  I have the feeling I will be pulling a lot of hours over the next couple of weeks between both jobs.  Seems as though every time we hire someone new at Go Mart...it doesn't work out with them.   The past few workers we have hired have also been friends of mine....so it not working out due to things I didn't know or realize prior...well let's just say I'm irate about the situations.  If I had known....I never would have recommended them.  Sometimes you just don't know people as well as you think.  It's sad.  Sometimes I hate being a friend...and their manager.  It ruins the friendship finding this shit out.  I will no longer go out of my way to help someone get a job. 

I'm very tired.  I've only been sleeping maybe 2 or 3 hours a night due to very little time on my hands.  What time I do have I want to spend as much as I can with my kids and also trying to squeeze some me time in.  Sleep just seems to not be a priority and menial.  Also doesn't help that I am a known insomniac.  It is getting worse.  Hopefully when things settle down, after the move and I get things straightened out with Christmas.  I will sleep then, although I doubt it.


I miss him.  Everyday.

Drained.

I'm.  Fucking tired.

Working 2 jobs, caring for my kids and keeping up my house is wearing me down.  It will be worth it in the end.

Lucian urinated on my phone a couple of weeks ago.  As sad as it sounds I miss my phone.  I was never one to care about material and menial possessions until I purchased my Droid x2....but I guess it was really the only thing I owned I actually liked.  The insurance company is being dumb....seems like it is taking forever to get a replacement. :(  Boo.

 I miss Eric immensely.  He probably thinks I'm fucking creepy or insane.  Not sure if he honestly misses me or not,  he has probably made some new friends and works a lot, which is awesome and I'm so happy that things are working out for him there.  Doesn't change that I miss and love him.  Time has been passing...sometimes with time...it doesn't change or heal things...sometimes it makes it worse. 

I'm not where I feel I should be.

 I started working 2 jobs recently in order to be able to pay bills, save some sort of cash in my savings beyond income tax money and first and fore most to be able to purchase my children their birthday and soon to be Christmas gifts.  It sucks.  I hate not having more time on my hands to be around my children.  I miss them terribly and they do me too.  It sucks to hear them cry for me not to go to work.  It sucks that I see them briefly before work and briefly after.  It sucks that it feels like other than providing for them, I am not the one raising them.  I want to laugh and play with them.  I want to be here to kiss them when they get hurt, watch movies before bed and cry with them when they cry.  I have a heavy heart for my kids and hopefully I won't have to work like this for long.  My plan is to work 2 jobs until the end of November and then call the part time crappy food job quits.  Until then....well.  I will just have to deal and do the best I can with what little time I have left in a day.

Doing nothing but working does have a nice numbing to it.  I don't have time to think about the crappy things in my life.  Mark and I are doing fine.  We have come to terms about things and with that...well he does his thing I do mine and in between we are a family.  A strange one.  But a family none the less.  Most days I feel empty and alone, grateful for what I have no doubt, but still empty and alone.  I feel as though all my efforts in being a good person, doing things for others, independent and dependable are for nothing and a slap in the face.  I feel cheated so to speak.  My home life although its fine...feels wrong.  I don't belong here and my kids and I shouldn't be here.  They need their father.  He is good to them...and to me.  I would never keep him from them.  But it feels so wrong.  There is no Mark and I anymore so being here is just...well wrong.  I have no place other than being close friends.  Having no place...is lonely.  So.  Work has taken my mind off of this recently.  I am rarely here unless it is to sleep...double edged sword.  I want to be here with my kids.  Can't stand being here either.  No win.  Fuck. 

I am in need of some companionship.  Real companionship.  Not just friendship.  I have 2 problems with this. One is no one is remotely interested because of my home life and I am just fucking odd anyway in many ways.  This puts most people off.  The second would be is I'm not interested in anyone myself even if someone did come along that showed some interest.  No one has came along I can see being close to, not that I haven't tried.  I have.  But...my heart isn't in it as well as my mind.  

things never die

Its been a while since I have posted anything.  Mainly due to being busy. More recently I've been working a ridiculous amount of time lately due to a friend being let go at work.( that in itself calls for a post of its own. Sigh.  Its shitty and I'm highly disappointed and angry about it)  We also had a power outage caused by a derecho here in good ole West by god Virginia.  So all in all work alone along with my kids and other things have used up whatever time I may have had to even think about coming on here. 

Life along with myself are strange.  I will never be able to wrap my head around even the shallowest depths of the human mind...or my own I should say.  The way memories and past events are triggered by the least of things.  Smells, sounds, similar occurrences.  Sometimes they come so hard and so strong all I can do is break down.  At times I dream of taking places with my children.  Back when things were simple.  To be carefree and....free.  When the world looked simply fantastic and awe inspiring without ever seeing the hurt, pain and sorrow that lurk behind the beautiful shiny things.  I wish my children didn't have to grow older,  not because I'm a parent and want them to be my babies forever...they will always be that without saying.  But so they don't have to experience what the world is really like.  How cruel and dishonest people can be without effort it seems.  Or Maynard from tool explained it well in the song "Vicarious"  about the people who just watch and do nothing yet crave for the juicy story of death and destruction.  To not have to look at hurt in the face.  I pray they don't have to deal with this, but alas, all I can do is prepare them the best I can.

  I find myself comparing myself from years ago a lot lately.  Back then I seemed so much more laid back, in tune and all around well rounded.  Of course at the time I thought this untrue.  I look at myself now and see a mess, wishing for the laughing mischievous and intelligent beyond her years teenager.  Now a days I feel so dull, blind and ignorant. I never thought myself pretty, but looking back I took what little looks I had for granted and covered them instead of showing them to others.  I was considered a mystery for my quietness since the only time I did speak was to put in an opinion of substance, not gossip.  Today, It yet again seems backwards. I don't gossip per se, gossip entitles lies.  But I tend to speak more on others and stupid shit than I do things that actually interest me.  I was an artist in a lot of ways.  Now I'm just one trying to be in the shadow of a once talented girl...

I'm trying to find myself.  I stay angry that I can't find her.

Hello

So here I am.  I've written a few blogs but never finished or published them.  I honestly don't feel like going back to them to finish what I could have been thinking about that day so I here goes this post.

The past few weeks have been hectic in different ways of chaotic busy.  Work, kids, finding time to do things and doing them.  We go to the park, on play dates and what not in my spare time.  Other times we stay at home and watch movies.  In recent times we went to a cancer benefit for a friend of mine who threw it in order to raise money for his mom who was terminally ill.  It was a great time and we enjoyed helping for a good cause.  Unfortunately, his mom passed a few days after.  My heart goes out to them.

I have been having problems with my neighbor who recently moved in a couple of months ago.  To make details short, she doesn't like my dad and therefore is nosing in my business.  I guess in her eyes since my dad is "bad news" ( he isn't, but has crappy "friends"  they don't come here though so I don't really understand the problem) she thinks I'm bad news.  She has knocked in my door getting in my face while I have had friends over, called the police and made false allegations, and is just constantly trying to start an argument over nothing that has to do with me.  The police have been to my house so much in the past 2 weeks that they themselves are sick of her and are tired of coming for no reason.  They know I don't cause trouble and the accusations she has called them over is untrue.  They advised me to call them on her instead and start filing harassment charges.  I called them once so far when this lady decided to follow me to work, then when I got home she banged on my door demanding where I went and what business I have.  She hasn't bothered me since, but I feel as though it is a matter of time.  I want to move and hopefully can soon.  Having neighbors like her has given me the motivation again to get out of the crap neighborhood I live in.


Life has been ok otherwise.  I have my ups, and my downs.  Everyone does.  I'm taking them in stride and doing what I can for my chidlren, just trying to survive and have fun doing it.  Its not easy, but life never is. 

I still miss him terribly.  2 months have gone, still feels like yesterday.  :/

When I am down, as juvenile as it sounds, I always find myself reading Dr. Suess's last book, Oh the Places You will Go.  Its a simple tale of life, and simple as it is, its pretty damned correct.  I read it to my kids a lot.  Here it is.  I hope you enjoy it too.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

I think that is about it for today.  Until next time folks.

love

I love him.  I miss him.  I hope the best for him.  I'm happy for him.  I want what's in his best interest for him.  I want to see and hear him. I want to hug him one more time. 

I love him.

The end.

sexual escapades

I have yet again neglected my blog.  I'm not the best writer, so when I go back and read what I had written I usually end up cringing at my uneducated attempt at putting stuff down on paper. (Well...wait....this is a computer...my brain hurts already) That being said I normally take a few breaks in between posts.

My kids and work have also kept me busy.  Breanna graduates from pre K next week.  I'm so proud of her.  She starts dance class again soon.  I love watching her and I think one day she will make something out of it.  One can only hope.  Lucian's drawing capabilities have sky rocketed.  I think I have myself a little prodigy.   :)  My kids are the shit.
They have made me an assistant manager at work.  It's cool.  I get a pay raise and get to tell people to stop being stupid when needed.  Bad side is I've been training for it on my days off since it's easier and we won't be short handed if they were to train me on days I work.  I get overtime pay...my next check should be in my eyes amazing.  Although I'm tired from working 15 days straight, its still a win.

In the past couple of weeks I have been, how would you put it?  Feeling my cheerios?   Needless to say....I need fucking laid.

I could have sex with Mark if I wanted to.  I don't because I don't want to.  It defeats any purpose of "just being friends"  I don't want to do anything just because I'm in need of some vaginal stimulation.  I know we couldn't just be "friends with benefits"  it would lead into us eventually being a couple again for all the wrong reasons.  If we end up being a couple again....I want them to be for the right ones.

I've been having dreams.  Not really highly erotic, but still stimulating.  I more or less think it just comes from missing E terribly and earlier wishing and hoping of what could have been if things were different and I wasn't so complicated or to be honest maybe more his type.  Most of my dreams contain him, us being happy and having a life, not really sex ( not that it hasn't happened in these dreams, just not often.  E and I never had that kind of relationship and it never was thought of either.  We're close without it....which is why I feel so connected to him...it felt more, real I suppose)  These dreams make me miss him more.  I need therapy.

Other dreams not containing E have been highly erotic.  Some with people I know, others not.  I've always been one to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh and without it lately I guess my brain has decided I needed the views of it in my slumber.  Its quite frustrating.

When in waking hours, I've had a few offers.  A very good friend of mine and her husband are looking for someone they can have fun with inside and outside of the bedroom.  More or less a close friendship with the benefits of having sexual relations.  It's appealing, and I've thought about considering it.  This particular couple I really don't see any complications coming about.  I'm still not sure about it though.  Its intriguing to be wanted by 2 people and to be able to be pleased and pleasure 2 on a regular basis and still have the friendship thing going on. Maybe I will consider it after all.

The friend I slept with in November has been talking about wanting a second round.  In his words " I feel like I got the most delicious piece of candy and I want another piece"  I don't know whether to be excited about being compared to candy...or creeped out.  I have to admit the first round was pretty....fucking good.  Dude was giving and his stimulation and resistance was in need for an award.  I feel guilty over the first occurrence,  therefore that would be a no.

There have been others.  None I could really see myself being with due to not my type or it would just be awkward afterward.  But honestly, even the ones that appeal me I still can't really see myself doing.  Not because it wouldn't be fun, good or guilt free.  But because they just aren't the person I want to be with and the person I would want to isn't here.  So...I will continue to feel my cheerios.  I'm not saving myself for him, cause it won't happen.  But I wouldn't enjoy it otherwise due to my mind wouldn't be toward the people I would be sleeping with, but towards him. So whats the point?  Yea.  Thats not weird at all....sorry.

Hell maybe what I need is to have fun and let loose with some good friends to get my mind off of him.  Who knows. My chick friend's offer is almost something you can't say no to.  I'm highly curious.

I need therapy.


I originally had this post blocked from being viewed...but fuck it.

I'm juvenile.

The assumptions and jumping to conclusions I have made about people ignoring me or being rude have been ridiculous and selfish. In this self inflicted depression I have lost a lot of my sense of humor and my feelings are easily hurt....for no reason.  I have assumed that some people I've annoyed too much so they weren't talking to me instead of thinking maybe they were just busy and preoccupied with other daily life errands and situations.  I've assumed that I'm disliked over being depressed. I've assumed E was annoyed with me and that he didn't care for me just because I hadn't heard from him in a few days.  I thought I was right in thinking I wasn't special in his life and was feeling completely broken and empty. I've talked to him since and that isn't the case. I'm now feeling guilty over this.  I hope I haven't angered any of my loved ones over these assumptions.  That is the last thing I want.  My insecure self needs to take a hike and I need to start thinking logically instead of child like.  After all.  I am an adult and I'm not blind or ignorant.  I need to stop acting as such.

The saying is true that no matter what the distance is from someone you care about, you still love and care about them as if they were only inches from you.  As strange of a connection it is E has on me...its a very strong one and I've never had one like it.  I'm scared to lose it.  I don't think I will.  Not a day passes I don't think of him, not once...but several times.  Most of these are happy. Laughing about stuff at work, his shows, good times and long talks.  Other times I feel so lost without him here, like a better part of myself is missing.
I heard from him last night and was thrilled.  My shotty crappy day turned into an enlightened night just by simple conversation.  It was nice to know that he also misses me.  His birthday is in 2 days.  I wish I could bake him a cake.  :)

I would travel to the moon and back if he only asks.  That is kind of scary.  

Random Nonsense

I find myself waking only to find myself deep in an abyss glutted with my own despondency.  I begin choking on air full of lies of others.  I continue to lay there in the blissful torture of my own mind often wondering how it is I come to be in such a woe.  I want.  I need.  I feel.  I breathe. I am. 

Pathetic?  Worthless?  Ugly? Unwanted?  Unneeded? Loved? 

Tossing and tortured with the fuel of another's words.  Lies.  All lies.  Words of kindness. Wisdom.  Hope.  Beauty.  Need.  Friendship.  Lies, all lies.  If not lies,  then empty promises and misinterpreted feeling.

How can one be as obtuse as myself. For one that can see through others transparent reeking shit, I still am blind.  I have hope in people that show minimal amounts of affection and grow attached....then it becomes infectious.  Its never mutual.  It never was.  I fall into fragments. Portions of myself become adrift.  I capitulate to the depression without wanting to come back up for polluted air. 

Pathetic.  Worthless.  Ugly Unwanted. Unneeded. 

Unloved.

Work, Dumb people, Accidents.

Its been such a crazy and busy week.  I work at a gas station in a city where unfortunately a lot of folk are poor and sadly a lot of them are poor by choice.  Most live off of welfare or SSI checks or some other form of government assistance.  I'm all for people who need it without abusing it, lord knows I've needed and indeed receive medicaid for my children.  But people I see everyday abusing it because they simply don't want to work and would rather sit at home neglecting their children while dealing drugs and/or doing drugs in front of their kids.  Its something that just goes right through me.  That being said....most people receive their government benefits within the first week of every month.  The gas station I happen to work for has the cheapest beer, cigarettes and money orders in town.  We are SLAMMED.  People crowd in the building to stock up on cigarettes, beer, gas for their vehicles and money orders to pay their bills.  They also grab tons of junk food and buy it on EBT.  Being busy doesn't bother me and I overlook the abuse of the system for the most part but the fucking attitudes of these people because they happen to have money for the time being and think they are the shit fucking kills me.  Really?  You get a little bit of money and all of a sudden you are untouchable and important?  Get a grip and fuck off.

Yesterday was one of the worse days I've worked in a while.  It was super busy and after receiving crap from people all day long while trying to get my stuff done before the end of the day was just tiring mentally.  I was in a pissy mood by the time I got home and wanted to sit and relax.  Of course having kids doesn't let you do that..ever.  Lucian started screaming to play with my phone.  He has a bad habit of playing draw something and sending videos, pictures and random unintelligible texts to people.  I just let him do it I don't care...if people don't like it they can just ignore it.  I think its cute.  It's not cute however when you are on the phone paying bills or with the credit card company.  It's frustrating and makes me want to lock him in a cage, in a room with sound proof walls.   Breanna is in this stage of wanting everything right then and there and throws fits when she doesn't get her way.  Both of them have received timeout for this shit as well as spanking when its bad.  They both are running around wild destroying the house in their paths while screaming,  After a crap day and coming home to chaos..I'm about ready to pull out my own teeth with a crow bar.  I end up yelling pretty brutally at them to be quiet and shit down otherwise they will get their asses spanked and  timeout in their rooms.  I feel guilty after losing my cool for a second...but hey..at least they sat down and shut up while I got my credit card straightened out and bills paid.

Later on in the evening I hear sirens from outside.  This is a normal as I live in a "not so great" neighborhood.  We call this the "hood"  I stay indoors and I keep my kids inside too.  If we go outside to play we normally go to the park or someones house with a yard in order for them to get their sunshine and fresh air.  I don't want my kids seeing the uncontrollable children and the bad habits their parents taught them already running around wild with out the parental guidance they need because their parents are too fucking busy shooting up, dealing or just eating oreos watching Dr Phil.  I don't want to subject them to the stupidity and danger of drug dealers and drug addicts.  Not all is like that that live here,  but it is the majority.  I don't want my kids to see it or become it. I have to call the police on a regular basis because of stupid shit. I plan on moving soon.  This may sound snotty by I feel like we don't belong here and shouldn't be in this stupid shit. I've had my eyes open for a house with a yard or at least an apartment building with a yard or very close to the park.  We will see.

Anyhoo, I hear sirens.  The kids are begging me for a snack so I just shrug it off for the moment and quickly gather up some stuff for them.  I am nosey so after I feed the kids I go outside to smoke a cigarette and see whats going on.  Come to find out some fuckwad hit a kid that was playing outside then fled the scene right beside my apartment building.  No one was around watching the child they admitted on the news they were inside.  By the time I got outside they were loading him up in the ambulance and thank god he only obtained minor injuries.  This infuriates me to no extent.  The asshole who hit the kid didn't have enough mercy or caring in his heart to make sure the kid was ok.  He was probably in a hurry to get some deal or fix taken care of.  The parents of the child didn't give a fuck enough to make sure their baby ( 5 years old...5) wasn't playing between 2 parked cars PARKED on the street.  Other than the shocked crowd themselves...the parents didn't seem highly upset.  They seemed...concerned.  I would have been hysterical and murderous if one of my children was hit by a car, let alone by someone who fled...but it wouldn't have happened anyway..I would have been watching my kid.  Accidents happen.  But this could have been avoided.  This is a reminder that all parents should never turn their back on their kids.  Ever.
When all was said and done, I went back inside to my babies still eating their snack and watching Jimmy Neutron.  I sat beside them and hugged them both and kissed them.  I felt so guilty for being mean to them earlier in the day just because I was having a bad day,  What if something like that happened to them?  I don't even want to imagine it. I would cease to exist is what would happen.

My heart breaks over the kids in my community other than my own.  They go home to parents who could care less about them and in fact think of them more or of a nuisance.  They see things they should never have to see.  They basically care for themselves at very young ages.  They are wild with no manners or discipline because their parents just don't give a fuck themselves and have no respect for themselves, let alone their children or others.  Whenever I see a child running wild outside I call the police.  i was beating myself up yesterday over this and became pretty down about it.  If I could have just been outside smoking a cigarette before it happened and called the cops or just simply said to the child hey don't play in the street you could get hurt...maybe it wouldn't have happened.  I feel sorry for this child who is going to go back to an unhealthy environment where he just might get in trouble for what happened to him.  You never know.  In my eyes.  His parents should have been arrested too for child neglect.  Sigh.


I miss him dearly.  I have the feeling he is annoyed with me. He hardly talks to me.  :/

Thats about all for today.  Until next time...

Yay?

Decided to take a break from Facebook.  I spend entirely too much time on it and its an unneeded stress over petty bullshit I shouldn't stress over.  I find it pointless as a way of contact also, which is why I started it in the first place when I lived in Florida.  I don't really talk to anyone too much on there except in status updates in which usually are funny or the complete opposite and are rude.  So I deactivated my account tonight.

I also find myself being unnerved by people.  I take things a bit too seriously lately which isn't wanted.  I've become quite ditzy and also offended when someone points out my stupidity.  I'm not, so I dislike assumptions or innuendos that I am being thrown at me...even when its innocent.  This needs to end too. 

I'm confused by the actions or words of another...whom will remain unnamed.  But I feel kind of beaten and lost.  I also feel lied to about what I am to some people.  I honestly don't care about most and if they like me or care...but others I thought who did...well, it stings,  Some of my friendships are very one sided and always have been....it hurts to know that you lack importance in the end. 

I'm off to bed.  I'm done with this day. 

Busy

I seem to stay busy.  Between work, kids, house and helping take care of my mom and all lifes little errands and pulls....Man...I just want a vacation. 

I'm trying to teach myself some girly shit in what little down time I have at night...which is hard, for the obvious fact that I'm just not very girly despite my whinnying and crying about dumb, menial, ridiculous circumstances.  The past few days I've been looking up do it yourself videos on how to do your own acrylic nails and waxing on youtube.  Its...much harder than what the videos make you believe.  I did my own acrylic fill in on my nails and it was almost a disaster.  Gladly though I paid attention and was able to fix them despite my horrible and shaky eye hand coordination. I've been doing my own eyebrows for some time but really have never had the nerve to try else where with the exception of one drunken time...that of course doesn't count.  I'm a chicken shit...so I've yet to try.  Maybe I will get up the gall to do my twat tonight.  :D

I finally got to spend some time with one of my best friends Juleah.  It was nice to watch out kids play and catch up on much needed conversation.  Mark came along and had a good time too.  Juleah made this amazing bacon and lentil soup and I asked her advice about things that were bothering me. She is always nonjudgmental and insightful.  It was a very nice, laid back and enjoyable visit.  I need to go again soon. 

I haven't been able to talk to Mary much.  :(  I miss her terribly.  I need to stop passing out and waking up at times when I'm afraid to call her and she never does because of my work schedules.  I need to make the time tomorrow.  I can't wait for summer.  Hopefully we will be able to get together a little bit more often. 

I miss E.  I haven't talked to him either.  I figure he is busy with his new job and recent shows I know he has had.  Otherwise he may be irritated with my attitude towards life and situations.  I'm not sure.  I'm also starting to think I'm one of those people where I'm out of sight and out of mind,,which is upsetting considering.  I at times wish I could do that with people I care about and love. Not a day goes by I don't wonder what they are doing and how they are getting along.  Tis life.  I just hope I am just making ridiculous assumptions although advice about it from other friends hasn't made me feel much better.  I dunno. 

My kids are doing amazing.  Breanna is excited for summer to get here and looks forward to kindergarten.  Everyday she has been bringing home new artwork and its all very good.  I see a lot of potential in a lot of things with my daughter and pray that she takes each one of them and grasps it tight.
Lucian...haha.  He cracks me up.  Typical into everything and very curious little boy.  He has gotten a sneaky streak lately which can be very cute..and at the same time make me have a heart attack at some of the things he tries to do or get into when your back is turned for a second.  I love them both dearly. 

Mark.  Mark is Mark.  He is getting better.  Our relationship is still where its always at...a stand still.  Lately he has been bringing me home little presents like cards and stuff.  Its cute and I appreciate them.  I just don't want him to think that buying me stuff is going to fix things.  I don't want to hurt his feelings just in case he is just trying to be genuinely nice and caring.  Sigh  Once again.  I dunno. 

Thats it for today folks.  Time to hit the sack.

Theives, Emo girl, Whatever.

So I haven't been on here in a couple of days,  Things were going pretty good with work, kids and life.  You may have read in a previous post about me exhausting certain people out of my life that had made a habit of taking advantage of me and my family.  I thought I was done doing that but last night I was proved wrong.

Lately Mark and I have been helping a friend of ours ( we will call him Joe) who is going through a hard time.  We both have know Joe for like 15-16 years.  Mark ran into him at the store after not seeing him in a while and invited him over for dinner and to hang out to catch up and talk of old times.  Joe would come over every so often and do this very thing, talk with Mark, laugh with me and the kids and usually I would make dinner for all of us during these visits.  Joe also told us of hard times he has run into in recent days as in losing his job, his relationship ended an just being depressed.  He expressed he had missed us and appreciated us being there for him during his tough times.  We also helped him with small amounts of money he needed to get by on.  He had always been a great friend in the past and we was happy to help him and in a million years never would have thought of him as a thief.

The past few times he has been over I noticed small amounts of money coming up missing.  I didn't think anything of it.  I thought maybe I misplaced 20 dollars here or 10 dollars there.  Or I assumed Mark took it needing money for lunch or cigarettes at work.  Although we are not loose with money at all and live pay check to pay check I just didn't think anything about the missing money and would justify it.  I never thought to just ask Mark and he never thought to ask me about some money coming up missing from his own wallet, we just assumed it was the other needing it.  I thought this strange whenever the money would come up missing, but didn't sweat it.  I'm never broke and get by so I'm not going to care about 10 or 20 dollars enough to interrogate Mark if he needed it and he thought the same with me. Yesterday I noticed that a jar we keep cash in had a good build up of change and bills.  This jar is something we just throw loose money in whether it be change or actual cash because 9 times out of ten, we don't use cash. We normally use debit cards.  Whenever a good amount is in these jars, I count it up and depending on the amount I either just put it in our kids bank account or I pay a bill with it.  There was 149 dollars in this jar after I counted it out.  My electric bill is 130 so I was like hell yea I'll pay the electric with it and we will have that extra money in the bank we won't have to spend.  I put the money back in the jar and place it back on the entertainment center. 

Last night, Joe calls Mark to hang out and Mark gladly says sure and he would pick him up.  Having friends again has helped Mark immensely as well since on his path to wellness.  So Mark goes and picks him up and they do what they do, vent about work and life and play video games and play with the kids.  He stays a couple of hours and later in the night Mark takes him home and Mark informs me he was running to the store to get some stuff for his fish tank and asked if I needed anything.  I say no and tell Joe goodbye along with a hug and hope to see you again soon.  Shortly after Mark leaves, I decide to get into the money jar again and go ahead to get it together to take into work to get a money order for the electric bill before I get off work tomorrow.  When I look at the jar it seemed off from the way I left it.  The lid wasn't on like I had it and the money seemed depleted a bit.  I count it.  60 dollars is missing.  I call Mark and ask if he took it to use at the store and he said no he was going to use the debit card like he always does.  Now I'm mad.  Its apparent our old friend stole money off us.  No one else had been in my house and I just counted it so I know it didn't happen prior.  I'm now pissed.  Joe was a person we thought highly of and always had a lot of respect for.  I nor Mark would never of thought of him a thief.  He never stolen anything off us in the past.  I started thinking about the chump change coming up missing.  Ironically, but I'm not 100 percent sure, this money would come up missing after visits with Joe.  Now...I'm furious.  We just helped him out with money.  Why would he feel the need to steal?  All he had to do was ask.  Also how can you be so nonchalant about stealing off of someone who has helped you and you are compelled to do it not once....but several times without blinking an eye?  I don't know who I can trust anymore.  This was a slap in the face so to speak. It hurt that who I thought was a good friend would take from me and my family.

I vent on facebook about it without saying what happened.  I am quite vague at times on there when venting.  I do it a lot and can be quite depressing or down in my status updates.   Its normal for me and people don't think anything of it, they assume nothing is wrong I'm just being emo.  This bothers me a bit too.  Even while emo, and despite this theft, any other time I vent or being "emo" it doesn't mean I'm venting or upset about nothing.  People who I thought knew me better even assumed nothing was wrong with me, I was just being down as always.  So...I'm always down for no reason now?  Just because I vent, upset, depressed or down doesn't mean there isn't reason behind it.  There usually is, even if it may be stupid or menial to them.  I would have thought my better friends, my best friends would know this.  It wasn't until I came out and said someone had stolen money off me when they were concerned and then my phone was being blown up with texts and calls wondering who did it and why and if I was ok or going to do anything about it.  I just felt like hey,  lets ignore her when she is down for the most part...(hell I've even gotten rude or snarky comments over my status updates before along with a few encouraging words of things getting better)... but hey now that something happened that we feel is a real reason lets make sure she is ok.  I'm not mad about it.  I'm grateful for their concern, but it still stung a little.  I guess its my own fault, I've even stated I am down too much and I'm emo and probably get on peoples nerves.  I always get a no everyone needs to vent...it helps. I just feel even more alone now knowing thats how people think of me.

Whatever.  :/

Anyways thats about all for today.  I'm spent.

Smile.

So today while I was at work I waited on a regular customer.  During the past several visits to the store this particular customer has nicely complimented me on various things about me like the hats I wear, the fact I'm usually friendly, my smile and I have pretty eyes.  He told me every time he walks in I make his day singing while working and smiling.  He's a nice guy, I'd say early 40's and not a bad looking man but not really my type so to speak.  Anyhoo, he comes in today to buy his cigarettes and a soda, grabs one of the fresh roses we keep on the counter and I ring him up.  After I take his money he hands me the rose and tells me that was for making his day with my smile.  It was really sweet and made my day and I was happy to have made his day too.  Little things.

After coming home and settling down, I realize I need to run to the dollar store to grab toilet paper and trash bags before Mark has to be at work.  I go to the store and while talking with the cashier who is a friend of mine, she was telling me a story about one of her kids and I laughed.  A gentleman was standing next to me waiting his turn to be checked out himself, compliments me on my smile.  I turned and say thank you and he proceeded to tell me I had stunning eyes.  I must of blushed horribly while thanking him as he laughed at my modesty.  I must add this man was not a bad looking fellow either.  Today was a win.

I don't take compliments and nice gestures well. I also don't usually like to be hit on, but then again it sucks to NEVER be hit on either.( Must be a woman thing) I don't get compliments often from generally nice attractive people..its usually from people whom are drunk or drug influenced, desperate or a good friend or family member.   Not saying I don't have some nice qualities about my personality or some nice features, but I'm not one that stops one in their tracks when eyes are laid upon me.  When standing next to other females within my own circle of friends or out and about period, I'm never usually the first to be hit on, looked at or talked to by those I consider out of my league...cause normally they are...that being said I'm never the first to be talked to or hit on by those in or below my league either.  Not that it never happens...just not often. It kind of sucks and my self image is shitty...for a reason.  I still have pimples like I'm 12, am over weight and oddly proportioned.  I walk like and dress like a man half the time.   I'm a little strange (ok...thats putting it mildly..I can be highly strange) and somewhat odd and intimidating in my looks.  When I do get hit on, people seem to always see the same thing, Either its my eyes and more crudely my boobs.  It gets old after a while.  I sometimes think...damn...I have nothing else going for me at all and I would hate for them to see me naked or I don't have any other feature of any quality at all.   So...today was a nice change for others thinking otherwise. It was nice for not one but two people to say something a little different for a change.  :)

I have tomorrow off work.  I plan on going and getting my hair cut and nails done.  I haven't for a while and its long past due.  I may dye my hair too.  I look alright with red hair...I just hate keeping up with it and usually dye my hair back to black after so long.  Maybe it will help boost my self esteem...who knows. If not sometimes its nice to just be a girl for a day...even if your bad at it.

Side note... E liked red hair on women. : /  Sigh. 

This post was incredibly pointless...but hey..it still helps...

Friends, Puppies and porn.

Past couple of days have been going alright.  I've stayed busy and working.  Yesterday Mark went and picked up a really good friend of ours and my friend Ashley came over.  We sat around, played with the kids, listened to music, watched movies, talked and reminisced times of old.  We talked of the future and all hope for summer so we could possibly take a few trips camping and to amusement parks.  It was a good time and I miss doing stuff like this more often with friends.  I miss my best friends.  All live away with the exception of one and our schedules keep us from really getting to spend time together.  I talk to Mary and Juleah at least a couple times a week normally, but sitting on their porches, smoking cigarettes and playing with our kids..there is nothing like it.  Both are so different yet so alike.  Juleah's sweetness, hospitality and goofy self is great.  She has this way of just making anyone feel welcome, at home and like she has known them for years...even if she hasn't.  She loves her family more than anything and would do anything for them or for ones close to her. 
Mary.  How do I explain Mary.  I have never met another woman like her.  I admire her strength, wisdom and her wit is astounding.  Her general caring for everything around her and for everyone and hopes for a better world is something everyone should take the time to listen to.  Drinking coffee and laughing at the most ridiculous while also discussing subjects of substance never fail to entertain me. Our children play wonderfully together and Breanna says that Violet is her best friend too. She knows everything about me and always takes the time to listen as well as giving good advice and blunt truths.  She works hard and takes on a lot of responsibility for her school and family.
I love them both to bits and couldn't ask for better ladies around to call them friends.  Both I can depend on and I hope they feel they can with me.  If I am having a horrible day and call one or the other both never cease to cheer me up and enlighten me.  I need to visit them soon.
I miss E.  Whenever something funny happens at work or if I see a car that looked similar to his, I find myself forgetting he is gone and get excited...then sad after remembering its not him.  I am one to laugh easily anyway...but no one could make me laugh all day long like he could.  Even though he didn't talk about himself much, he always took time to listen to me and give advice or blunt truths of a situation.  I miss talking about music and movies.  I miss just being goofy and feeling...free around him.  I felt like I could be my strange self around him and that isn't something I feel I can be around with very many people.   He made me want to be better, look better ( I wore more dresses and makeup these past 2 years than I have in my entire life ) and feel better about life. Most of all.  I just miss him and all that came with him.  I love him and hope all is going well in Florida.
Tonight I am hoping attending a comedy show for the first time since he moved if I can find a sitter for my kids.  I look forward to it but also know it is going to be awkward with him not there.  Speaking of which...here is one of E's sets before he moved.  It was called "Puppies and Porn"  I was at this set and he did wonderfully.  This wasn't long after he first started doing stand up and some of these jokes never fail to still crack me up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I guess that is all for today.   Tha tha tha tha that's all folks.

My mom

I went to spend the day with my mother yesterday.  My mom is a great woman full of strength, good advice and humor.  During these visits we sit, have coffee, smoke cigarettes and just discuss life and what is happening in it.  We play with my kids and sometimes play cards.  I am happy to say that along with being my mom, she is also my friend.  I can talk to her about anything if I want to.  I don't because I'm afraid of hurting her, but I can if I want to without worry of being judged. She knows everything about me except for a couple of things, one of which already mentioned in an earlier blog. Most of my friends love her too and enjoy talking to her, and she likes most of them as well.
We rely on each other a lot.  I'm the only one out of my siblings that lives close or actually takes the time to visit with her.  She is the only one I trust with my kids as a babysitter.  If one needs something, the other tries their best to provide it.
During this particular visit, my mom seems down and out.  She hasn't been well lately and a couple of months ago broke her knee which has caused her to not be able to do things she enjoys doing or do for herself too much.  Since January I have went over once a week to help clean and do her laundry to make things easier on her.  This day seemed a bit deeper than just not feeling well so I asked her what was wrong.  She becomes quiet and I thought for the first time in my life, my mom looks old.
She is 68.  But she is so vibrant and goofy and younger looking she could pass easily for her late 40's early 50's.  I've never honestly thought of my mom as a "senior citizen" and she certainly never acted like one.  It occurred to me that I may not have my mom that much longer.  She is at the age when anything can happen to your health if you don't look after it.
Age was exactly what was bothering my mom.  She looked at me and told me she was scared and hurt.  Scared because she is growing older and hurt that her older children don't come see her and rarely call her.  She barely knows her 7 other grandchildren and she doesn't want to die.  I feel saddened for my mom.  I wasn't really sure of what to say regarding my sisters and my brother.  As for her health I told her she is doing all that she can do for it and as long as she does there shouldn't be any problems and most of all...The kids and I were here for her.  I hate seeing my mom upset.  Its a losing empty feeling that I'm sure she feels whenever she sees me down and out. 
My siblings piss me off.  I'm 27 years old.  Our mom was always a good mom to me and they have always said she was a good mom to them growing up.  They dealt with other things than I did.  They saw more shit happen that was before my time because they are much older than I, but that doesn't have anything to do with the type of mother my mom was to them.  If she was a good one to you, why do you have no contact with her?  When I was a kid my sisters and brother were all on their own by the time I was 5. I was an aunt by the time I was 3.  In 15 years, I can recall my mom making an effort to make trips to visit her other children and grandchildren at least a couple of times a year.  All visits were nice and cheery.  Tears would roll when we would leave and words of love you and missing you were always said.  My sisters have never made trips to come visit our mother except if someone died in our area.  My brother lives literally BLOCKS away and never makes an attempt to go see her just to say "hello mom I love you" So I don't understand them.  All I know is in the end...they are going to regret it when our mother is gone and I find it sad that my mom is going to die thinking her other children hate her for reasons unknown.
So with that...I make an effort to be a good daughter to my mom despite her job being done as a mom.  I will always want and need my mom...long after she is gone.  Hopefully she will still be around whenever both of my kids graduate.  I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons along this line.  Mom has been here through everything major they have went through, having babies, grandchildren graduations, marriage of some of them, great grandbabies even.  I want my mom there for all this and for her to see it happen, not call her about it.  They squandered their adulthood with her.  I wonder if they even feel bad about it and what they have possibly told their children about her.  They have a grandmother they barely know that could have brought as much joy in their lives as she does my children.  They could have brought more joy into my mothers.  It angers me.
After consoling her and talking of life I hugged my mom.  I let her know that she means the world to me and although I'm not the rest of my siblings and could never take the place of all of them, that I'm not going anywhere and she is needed in mine and my children's life.  That I wouldn't have it any other way. And that I love her.

Guilt and Mark.

I had posted about some skeletons in my past.  Some of those were admitting I'm not innocent when it comes to sex.  I had made claims before that I didn't sleep around that much before I was with Mark to my friends and family. I regret making those claims.  It makes me to be a liar...something I'm not. A lot of those are just times I don't "count"  as They were very shameful to me so I never spoke of them.  My experience I've learned isn't..terrible.  It doesn't make me a whore.  Just an ignorant child.  In the 12 years Mark and I dated I never cheated on him, he was an amazing lover so I didn't feel the need to like many people I know that have after being with someone for so long.  I also loved Mark unconditionally and could see myself with no other.  I admit we "included" others out of fun and experimenting.  When you are with someone for so long you tend to find new ways of pleasing the other and 3 somes were part of that.  It wasn't something that occurred often and it is definitely something I don't regret. I will continue this in a few...

When we were at our worst,  I found myself thinking of trying to find ways out.  I know that sounds bad.  Honestly, Mark is not a bad man at all.  He was just a man that like myself now, felt like he was drowning.  Instead of finding help or asking for it, he resorted to drinking and keeping within himself so much that we at times wouldn't say a word to the other for weeks. He felt like he had no friends to talk to.  He explained that the thoughts inside of his brain and the moods he would go through were like just flipping through the pages of a very big book. He felt like he had no control so he would just stay to himself in attempts to try to help himself, when all the while, it was just making it worse.  My attempts at conversation would quickly come to an end by glares or silence.  He wouldn't step out of the house.  He ignored our children, not because he didn't love them or want to play with them...but because he felt like he couldn't.  There were times I swear it seemed like he didn't move from the left side of the couch.  He would hide away in our bedroom for hours.  I would try to see what was wrong, cheer him up, suggest going out and doing something or hell even offer sex just to try to make him feel better enough to spend some sort of time with us.  Some days he would just be angry.  Other days I would see him to the point of tears.  Others....he just existed.  It was heart retching to explain to Breanna why daddy didn't want to play or talk to her.  His bi polar was tearing our family apart.
I tried to be understanding and stand by him through the thickness of this situation.  I would beg him to please get help, and medication. (Mark was on medication for a while and suddenly stopped taking it, this made things much worse )After some time however he progressed to taking it out on me through arguments that were petty.  On nights he was drinking I learned to just stay away or else things would get bad.  The arguments we would have rocked our house if I didn't just stay away. Some nights he would take off walking and I feared he would commit suicide or get into a fight on purpose.  I have no idea really what would trigger his mood swings so bad while he was drunk.  One minute he would be fine and the next...well...completely the opposite.  He would be upset or angry and rant about the world and the things that were shitty in it.
There came a point that the only time he talked to me was when he would be venting about these subjects or if he wanted sex.  I felt used for a long time as someone that merely took care of 2 kids and an adult. I felt used for sex.  I felt used period.  And after while....I stayed angry.  I'm not innocent in our problems.  I would come home to a nasty house after spending all day making it fit the day before and go off about it.  I would go off on him being lazy and not doing anything for himself or our children.  I would go off on feeling used.  Anger was slowly turning into hatred.  And I let it show.
Within the time period after Mark when off meds and things were at its worse with him being depressed and angry, we had a few physical fights when he was drinking. The first time wasn't bad.  It hurt my pride more than anything.  I tried to stop him from drinking because he already had enough.  He was obliterated and hostile. I took the beer out of his hand and the next thing I knew he grabbed me and started hitting me.  I made him leave.  He didn't hurt me that much, like I said it was mostly pride and the feeling of utter sadness that someone you love and is supposed to love you back tried to hurt you.  He left for a week to stay with his parents.  After begging and pleading, promises and apologies, I let him come back.  After all, I loved him.  I knew the kind of man he was and also the depression and anguish that was consuming him that was turning him into someone he wasn't.  Before this rut he was in, Mark would never have hurt a fly...let alone someone he loved.  He was a hard worker.  He pulled his weight around the house and showed me unconditional love and caring.  This drunken, depressed and broken man was not the man I loved and I knew that.  So knowing this, we tried again.
Things were ok for a a bit.  He was trying.  He still wasn't getting help so slowly he started sinking again.  He slowly started drinking again.  He slowly started drinking A LOT again.  Things slowly became worse than they ever were.  6 months after the first time he hit me, He did again.  This time in front of our children.  This time he actually tried to hurt me and wasn't holding back.  This time,  I didn't hold back either.  I fought back and honestly hurt him more than he did me.  This time, I put him in jail.  I also filed charges and ordered a DVP.  This time,  Mark had a true wake up call.  

Anger and sadness about the man I loved took over.  I dwelled on things that maybe I did, things maybe I could have changed and for possibly being the cause of his rock bottom.  I became angry at myself for thinking this.  How could he treat me this way?  I've done and sacrificed everything for this man.  How could things get so bad so quickly?  We were together 12 years.  Not all was ever always happy.  We have always had struggles and got through them but never took it out on each other or had anger towards the other.  How did the past year become so terrible? What went wrong?  These questions would eat at me.  I became angry and depressed and for the first time in 12 years, I acted on impulse and slept with another man while Mark was in jail.  I thought maybe revenge. I also wanted to feel wanted for even a moment.  I wanted someone that wasn't him. This man will not be mentioned in my blog,  he is a friend and we did each other a favor. We are still friends and it isn't mentioned.  Although Mark and I were no longer in my eyes when I did this...I feel guilty over it.  I feel like I cheated on him.  6 months have almost went by since that time and I still haven't slept with Mark (we aren't together so I won't...I know it would lead into being a couple again) or anyone else.  I feel dirty.  I feel not good enough to deserve to have the pleasures of the flesh.  I haven't told Mark although many times I have wanted to and come close to it.  Hopefully one day I can get up the gall to do it and I will feel better about him knowing.  This is the first and only thing I have ever kept from him and I don't like it.  Even now and we are only friends, I still tell him everything. He knows about my love for E, something he has never said anything bad about and has even consoled me over.  He likes E and even stated if I was to be with anyone at least he had comfort in mind it was a good guy that treats everyone with respect and caring.  This fact makes me feel like...shit.  It also makes me feel shitty for not admitting I slept with someone since Mark to the ones closest to me including E.  This again..makes me feel like a liar.

Since being out of jail and separated (he lived with his aunt for a couple of months)   Mark has done...wonderfully.  He almost seems like his old self.  He is caring and loving again.  He is working, helping with the house and pulling his weight with the kids (we had a few hiccups like the school attendance thing...but nothing huge)  He is getting out more and starting to make friends and see old ones again.  He has been going to therapy and is on medication that is working splendidly for him.  He is almost the man I loved.  I am very proud of him. I feel guilty despite his efforts as of late,  I still don't want to be with him.  I feel its too soon.  I fear it may go back to the way things once were.  I love him very much...I always will, but I no longer see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with as my husband.  He will always be in my life as a beloved and dear friend as I couldn't see a life without him.  This...again make me feel guilty and shitty.  He feels as though his efforts are for nothing even though it was clearly stated in the beginning on his path to wellness that I would no longer be his wife.  Part of me wants my feelings to change.  I've let him move in again because its easier for the both of us.I would have thought my feelings for him would change with him being back and I would want to be with him again, but they haven't.  I'm not sure if they will.    I would like to see him start dating, but he won't.  I would like to do the same, but I fear breaking him.  It's a no win. 

Earlier in the blog I was speaking of sex, regrets ect.  I have regrets of some of my past experiences and my more recent sexual escapade with my friend.  I don't regret having it, but the situations or feelings involved at the time they happened.  I was either angry, upset and under some sort of influence whether it be alcohol or drugs.  This is...risky.  My actions could have gotten me hurt ( something I should be more wise about considered my childhood abuse) I could have gotten some sort of disease or illness.  Thankfully, that has never happened.  I don't deny being a sexual creature.  I like it, love it.  I please you, you please me kind of person.  I have a very open mind and will try just about anything.  Getting off is fun...and it feels good.  That being said some of my regrets is thinking that if it feels good.....how could it be bad if you and the person you are with at the time are willing?  This kind of thinking would make me think of my rapes.  Why did they do this?  Was it because they liked it and thought it was ok?  Is there something wrong with me now for liking sex even after my horrible experiences?  Did I deserve to be hurt then because of how I am now?   Was it my fault?
These questions still occur. I know I am not at fault for their actions.  I know they are questions of insecurity.  But I ask them anyway.  In more recent days I have found myself not wanting to be this way anymore which is frustrating. I still like it and want it.  But since November I have found shame in it.  I want to, but fear guilt that would come with it. I wonder what people think of me. As stated in another post...I need therapy. 

I have found blogging to be a good therapy for me.  I feel more at ease getting some of this shit out of my brain.  When not on here I take my children and get out of the house.  I hang out with my friends and family.  Mark and I get along fine and do stuff together as well with the kids.  I try to find laughter in my life. Things seem to be slowly...becoming ok.  Time will tell and maybe the current rut I myself have been in will slowly diminish.

I still miss E terribly. I've talked to him a couple of times and he seems to be doing alright.  I am happy to hear he found a job and his first comedy show is coming up very soon this week.  It brings me a bit of joy to hear of him doing well and moving forward to better his life.  I can't wait to hear how his show went.  I'm sure it will go great and he will bring many laughs to many people.  I wish I could be there to see it and support him but since I can't...I will be sitting right here cheering him on from home. 

Breathe.

Today is better.  I got up early and went into work to do some stuff I wasn't able to get done during normal working hours.  I tend to do this often because I don't want to be bothered by customer while trying to get stuff done.  It ends up being less stress in my life and an excuse to also just get out of the house to laugh with my co workers.  I cleaned shelves and talked about inappropriate subjects with Tammy and Anthony.  Twas fun and I love them to bits.  I can honestly say that although Go Mart can be a pain.  I love my job and the people I work with.  I have made good friends while there including E himself and enjoy what I do for the most part.  I'm just now starting to get used to the idea of E never being there when I come in.  When ever I work with someone that doesn't know how to entertain me or is lame I find myself missing him a lot.  We both used to listen to a lot of music or comedy, I still do this..but after a while I turn it off.  My Pandora has a habit now of playing a lot of songs he would listen to..which is weird because before it would only play shit we both didn't like. It amuses me a bit before I become sad.  After I get over it I turn it back on and enjoy it again. I still would like a new place to work, but maybe it will be ok after some time. Its a process. 

I talked to him last night and today.  I feel better knowing he is just being him, not angry with me like I ignorantly thought.  Thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions has always been a bad habit of mine.  I'm working on it.  Needless to say I feel much better. :)  I miss and love him dearly. 

Mark had the idea today that we should take the kids out even though its cold.  We are taking them to Micky D's play place...somewhere I actually hate but the kids love.  Its a win.  I only hate it cause I want to play and I really am too big to.  That sucks.

I'm  breathing.  I'm somewhat healthy.  I'm alive and my children are fine.  Positivity.

Skeletons

This is a list of things I think about in the night that keep me awake.  I try to keep moving forward and not think about them.  But I do anyway.  Most are things I don't talk about even to people close to me.  Hence the title.

When I was nine I was molested and raped by my grandfather on new years eve.  There were 2 twin sized beds in my bedroom at the time so he slept in there.  This is one of the times I wished I would have listened to my mom and wasn't a brat.  She told me to sleep with her that night almost as if she knew.  Instead because I was 9 and excited for my beloved pawpaw to stay the night, I slept in my room only to awaken later in the night with his hands down my pants.  I screamed, he threw a hand over my mouth and continued to do whatever it was he had in mind.  Afterwards I ran into my mother's room sobbing.  I curled up in her bed and the shakes I was having even though I was trying my best to be quiet through my sobs woke her up.  She immediately asked me what was wrong, took one look at me and left the room to confront my grandfather.
She made him leave.  What bothers me the most about this is the fact other than making him leave that night and consoling me...mom never really did anything about it.  After a few months, he came back for visits.  When this would happen I would go stay the night else where.  I never talked to him again the rest of my life.  I am still angry about my mom never really doing anything about what had happened.  If it were me and one of my kids were touched by anyone..no matter who it was....That person would have no legs left after the beating that would be bestrode upon them.  Years later in a drunken state my mom had a breakdown about it.  She admitted she felt terrible about what happened and that she did the same thing her mother did.  I guess I wasn't my grandfathers first victim.  She said she has never forgiven herself for not doing anything and knows that it bothers me.  It still does even though she had the break through...I just don't let her know it does.   

That being told, although I have very close family members...the rest is very dysfunctional.  I stay away from them.  It bothers me some of the stories I have heard of lies, sex, and just back stabbing deceitfulness.  I have always wished for a "normal" family.  One I could honestly rely on that goes further than my mom.

When I was 14 I was raped at a party a friend was throwing.  This was in the beginning stages of teenage sneaky experimental drinking.  My sister didn't know where I was and the party being thrown was at a guys house whose parents were out of town.  My best friend at the time was the only person I knew there and she was so drunk she couldn't speak or see.  I stupidly went off alone...to be alone.  I was drunk myself, insecure and dumb.  A guy I had met earlier saw this...come to talk to me.  He kissed me. I admit to liking it, but my inner gut told me I shouldn't be alone.  I say something about needing to find my friend and he grabs my arm.  Those are enough details.  I went home that night and received being cussed out by my sister for being drunk and late.  I ended up being grounded.  I never told her I was raped.  I never told my mom.

A couple of months later after I got over that night. I started dating for the first time.  I lost my virginity to a guy I was seeing.  My sister found out. I was called a slut.  I thought to myself...maybe I am one because of the few hellish times I went through.  Maybe I am one for enjoying my first round that I gave permission to.( and I did ) I starting sleeping around a lot for someone my age...well at the time it was considered a lot. I'm not sure about today's standards.  By the time I was 15 I had met Mark and I had already slept with 10 guys and 8 chicks.  Some of these bother me because of how they happened and how easy it was to just fuck someone..even someone you didn't know and not care. My morals since then have went up highly and I'm almost prude.

My father was never around until I was an adult.  I remember crying for him as a child and he would never come.  My mom always spoke badly of him.  I now know why.  He had an affair with my oldest sister.  She wasn't his daughter and he didn't raise her and she was of age so I guess in his eyes that was justified.  My mom was pretty broken over it and I can only imagine being her.  My oldest sister is now a crackhead and never comes around...her and my mother never got along.  I can only imagine the things that have been spoken of between them and the hurtful words that were thrown back and forth.  I never knew her..she is much older than I am and honestly was a rape victims baby.  I wonder if that had something to do with my moms relationship with her being not so great.  I also wonder if Vera was innocent when it came to my father.  I also wonder who raped my mother....
Now as an adult my father tries to be in my life...our relationship is..disconnect and more of a business one.  I care about him a lot...he seems to care about me and my kids too.  But we don't have that father daughter relationship.  I am angry at him for never being there and for my mother.  

My mom is a lesbian.  That doesn't bother me in the least.  It bothers her and all she has went through in her entire life.  She is a strong woman..but she has been through hell to be as strong as she is.  For years she was a severe alcoholic.  I can recall many nights she would come home drunk.  Many of them she was in a rage.  Never took it out on me really.  A few times but not many and never physically.  Many nights she would just cry.  Most nights I took care of her.  I felt like an adult for most of my life now.  She is now a recovering one.  She hasn't had a drink in 3 years and I am proud of her.

I was a straight A student that quit school.  Over a boy because he didn't finish either.  There are many things I should have done differently or opportunities I should have taken but didn't because of Mark.  You would have thought I didn't have a mind of my own to make decisions for myself.  If he didn't like something or didn't want to do it or couldn't....I didn't want to either.  I was very stupid.  I was a very good singer and a mediocre piano player.  I was doing competitions and theater.  I loved high school itself because it was a breath of fresh air from grade school.  Mark didn't like people so would never attend.  He couldn't go to school and was always down on himself not going.  So I stopped.  Everything.  For him.  Now a days I feel so insecure with myself I can't even sing in front of him..let alone other people.  Once again.  I was a stupid woman.  I wish I could turn back the clock not so I would not have never had met him...but to tell him I was going to do these things and hopefully he wanted to better himself too.  Mark being mentioned,  we have been through a lot together.  12 years of horrible family problems on his side, financial instability, drugs, alcoholism, brutal arguments and physical fights.  I love him, but I stay angry at him.  This is the reason I don't want to be with him.  I want to do what I can for him to make his life easier because I care.  I feel guilty for things I've said in the past. I feel guilty for sleeping with someone just this past November out of anger while he was in jail for the last fight we had.  I feel guilty for that one a lot although we were split up.  Yea...that happened.  And this is the first time I've spoken of it outside of my best friend.  And...it wasn't who you think it would be....
I would have thought writing about it would make me feel better...it doesn't.

In my earlier school days I was very shy and awkward.  I was very insecure and no one thought of me pretty.  High school wasn't so bad I had found my place a bit better by then...but before hand, man it was a nightmare.  I was picked on a lot. My nickname was Ina Vagina and thanked the heavens when I moved from wayne.  It sucked.  Some relief I had was some students admired how well I could draw or sing and the fact I was at that time considered intelligent.  I did a lot of kids homework for some peace.  I learned to please people early on by doing things for them or offering to help.  This hasn't changed much.  Why I am still like this as an adult...well...I want that answer too.  I am way more opinionated and upfront than I was when I was a kid.  There is no reason to be shy, awkward, insecure and most of all trying to please to be accepted as an adult.  Thats just dumb.  As a mom now and remembering how my school days were...I am exceptionally critical about how Breanna looks when she goes to school.  Her hair is to be well kept, brushed and her clothes clean and of course name brand.  Breanna of course is a pretty little girl...but the thing she has going for her that I didn't...she is already opinionated and out going.  Her school experience is already better than mine was.

My brother has the highest form of Autism. Bad as it sounds...I fear taking care of him when my parents are gone.  Our sisters won't...they have too much on their plates.  Not that I don't love him,  I just know its going to be hard.  I feel guilty that earlier in my life..and sometimes even now I have felt embarrassed of him.  I admire him in a lot of ways...wish I could sometimes see the world through his eyes.  He can also do amazing things that others can't.  Maybe I'm just jealous.  People piss me off whenever I hear the terms "retard"  or "special" towards those with autism.  Autism sucks....and they will never understand those who have it or go through it.  I have had to take up for my brother my entire life...and he is 14 years older than I.

Being poor. I hate being poor.  I have been my whole life.  Nuff said about that. It sucks not being able to do all you can for your children or others you care about to the extent that you want it to be.

Then...I keep awake feeling guilty over loving someone that isn't Mark...and forlorn-ed that the feeling isn't mutual....

This is enough for today...I could go on...but...I don't have the time to write to the level of Great Expectations.  

Rant.

I can't seem to bring myself up from sinking.  I stay so depressed, down and out that being positive or doing simple things seem so hard.  It seems hard to just wake up and do what I have to do in order to be a fit mom or to go into work. This is all due to my own faults.  I take on a lot for people and care too much about EVERYONE.  This needs to stop.  I am now going to vent about it. Hopefully...it helps.

I seem to be a never ending bank to some.  I work at a gas station.  I manage the income I get wisely because of this reason. I make my income taxes last almost until its time for them again.  I pay my bills, care for my family and still get what I want that is within reason.  I am never...broke.  Too many people know this and take advantage of it.  Me being kind and I never want to see someone go without usually gives in.  I have some people come to me frequently needing money till payday, or needing cigarettes, bills are due or just wanting something bought that they can't afford on a regular basis.  It's not just money either..but maybe help doing something..or it may be something I already have that they want. Yet it seems as though if I need something..even just a conversation or to hang out...they are not available or can't do it.  Just recently I put a stop to this...some of these are family and what I thought were good friends and now they want nothing to do with me and are angry.  I am accused of being heartless and selfish.  Selfish?  Really?  Dude..I've been helping you out constantly and now that I can't because its a problem and fear of being broke and not being able to provide for my family..you are mad?  Fuck you.  I am selfish in ways....but it is definitely not with giving or with money.  It saddens me.

Another that leads into the above is people who only call to talk or hang out is when they want something...not particularly from me..but people I know.  I am used for a middle man to get what they want because my friends or family may have whatever it may be what they are looking for. This is draining for a lot of the same reasons.  If I need something, usually just wanting company or to talk to because I thought we were friends,  they are never available. Imagine that. Once again...I put a stop to it..confront it.  And they are angry.  I am once again being accused of being selfish and cold.  I am tired of always being a go to person for any of these people listing now or above.  If you only call me or want to hang out because you want something from me or someone I know.  You suck.  It saddens me because I thought I had a rather big nice circle of friends going on.  And..I don't.  I've done a lot for some of these people..it sucks to be taken advantage of.

 Speaking of family.  Same thing.  I'm a never ending bank it seems like.  I get guilt trips if I can't help out particularly from my mom and dad.  I love them dearly don't get me wrong and they do a lot for me too. But its draining that when you don't have it and already gave money a week prior to get a guilt trip about not having it.  I usually end up giving it yet again and putting myself and my family in a financial bind until the next payday..and this cycle starts again.  I'm not sure how to put not really a stop but just a thing not occurring as often to this one. My parents both do a lot for me that I am grateful for. My mother babysits when she can and my dad takes me pretty much where I need to go most of the time.  I feel bad telling them no...so I don't.  I honestly just don't understand where their money goes...hell they get paid more than I do. : /

At home I feel like a lot of the time I still have 3 children instead of 2.  Mark has been working and doing better with cleaning and pulling his weight with the kids.  But he is angry about not being a "couple"
He becomes childish when he doesn't receive what he wants..usually something expensive.  this is a problem because we each split the bills and the rest of our checks is our own money.  I get paid more than he does so usually he ends up being broke long before I am.if he wants something and doesn't have the money he mopes around until I'm like fuck I don't care...go get it..heres cash.  Money isn't the main issue.  He mopes around about us not being a couple.  He wants sex and cuddling and closeness..I won't give it to him because I don't want it.  I find it pointless if we aren't together and I don't want to be together.  He says he doesn't want to be with someone else so he isn't going to go looking for it elsewhere.  This will cause awkwardness at home.  This will also cause grudges which in leads to snappiness. This is an everyday occurrence.  Its getting old.  I love him..I don't want to be with him.  I don't want to cast him away so I feel stuck,  I feel like I'm being the nice guy by letting him stay here...try to have a life together with our kids. Am I wrong?  Am I being an asshole?  He can come and do what he pleases.  I would like to see him start trying to get ass elsewhere...he can.  He just doesn't.  Am I being the bad guy here?

I'm lonely.  I want closeness.  But I don't want anyone.  Sucks huh.  

My kids..They are little tornadoes that don't listen lately.  I think most of this is me being down and out thinking such.  I'm not sure.  I feel like all I do is clean and yell at them.  This of course isn't true.  I do stuff with them everyday in effort to be a decent mom, have fun and it helps me to get out of my head being out and about busy with playdates or the park. I've been really hard on myself as a mother...always have been.  I feel like a shitty one.  there have been times I've had unhealthy thoughts of suicide and I think of them. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for them and they deserve better.  That maybe if I wasn't around someone would come in and do a better job than I am at raising them.  Then I feel so guilty thinking these things and honestly angry at the mere thought of someone else being a mom to my babies. I know they would be lost without me and no one else could be the mom I am to them.  They are mine.  I can't imagine life without them...I know they can't without me either.  Suicide then seems silly..and stupid.

Work is draining to me.  But that is what jobs do. I work a lot.  I rarely call off and usually go in when needed.  Nothing really there to write about.  Its not a bad place or bad people.  I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Other than actual situations in my life,  I can't seem to get my own demons from eating the inside of my head.  I think a lot on stupid things, worry over stuff I shouldn't that I know is childish or pointless or really has nothing to do with me.  Example.  It really bothers me that my dad gets taken advantage of by crack whores.  Nothing I can do to change it.  But it bothers me immensely.  I wonder how people look on me knowing this.  Sigh.
The demons inside my head are never ending telling me I'm ugly.  I'm stupid.  That I'm unloved and people find me ignorant. They tell me I'm worthless and a child. That the things I have done in my life are terrible and people hate me over them. I'm not good enough. That I should just die.    

The people who matter in my life.  I am sorry.  You have listened to me or read about me whine, bitch and moan so much lately.  In return I have been so stuck within my own head and life that I haven't really taken the time out to listen to you or be there when you have needed me.  You have tired of hearing me be negative and I don't blame you.  Some of you don't even reply back to my texts or phone calls now.  That being said.  I miss E terribly.  I hope he is busy.  I hope I haven't put him off by my whining.  Part of me thinks that is too late and I have. I haven't heard from him much.  :(    I can't even listen to music anymore without tears rolling. My boss at work has even seen this...pathetic.

Side note.  How can one be so childish and broken over something that never was?  We are amazing friends that loved the other...sure.  But it was never any more than that...that was clear.  I feel like I lost a part of me.  I think about it and become even more depressed because I am being selfish,  I am happy for him and wanting to better his life.  I want to see him succeed. So why am I so down on him not being here?  I need to be more happy for my friend and hope more for him and look forward to the future and seeing him again instead. It sucks when you love someone and it hurts. It sucks more when the feelings aren't exactly mutual.  Maybe I know how Mark feels.  : / 

My best friend probably thinks I am dumb.  Mary.  I'm sorry.  One probably thinks I don't want to be around her due to never calling or coming around because...I'm dumb, Juleah.  I'm sorry.  You guys mean the world to me.  I'll be back soon.

I posted on Facebook that I had been struck in the face.  The thing that struck me is this.
Life is just life.  Not everyone is going to love you like you do them.  Not everyone is going to take on what you take on.  Not everyone is understanding about your situations.  Not everyone cares like you do.  Not everything is going to be perfect and most of the time...its not. People are going to come and go in your life and some will remain it for forever.  I have been down for too long.  I have been depressed and its sucking the life and funny right out of me.  I am not enjoyable to be around anymore.
I need to take time out to reflect on it.  Then.  I need to change it.