Saturday, August 11, 2012

Agnostics prayer

Dear lord.

Although I myself am not sure if you exist,  I have high hopes you do.  Please do not hold it against me in the end for my doubts.  Everyone has questions and mine just haven't been answered yet.  I do not think you would be the way most in this world make you out to be.  I would like to think of you as a loving God.  A forgiving God.  A remorseful one.  An understanding one with no judgements at all towards any living creature.  I do not pray often.  I have faith though it may not seem like it....lately it has been lacking. I now pray in hopes that you do exist, and listen and will hopefully take me into consideration although maybe I don't deserve it.

I pray you keep my family safe.  To watch over my children.  I want them more than any thing in this world to be happy, healthy and obtain intelligence about life itself.  I pray for the ability to be always provide for their needs and to teach them the important lessons in life.  To be good people with good morals and manners.  To have respect for human kind and all the worlds wondrous creatures and life.  To want to make a difference in this world, not only for themselves but for others.  To know that happiness is what you make it.  Not what you have.  I pray they always stay full of life, love and creativity.  I pray they won't be like me.

I pray for you to bring peace and happiness to my mother.  To give her strength.  To keep her healthy.  To stay in my life as well as my children's for as long as possible.  I pray that you can give her the break in life that she needs and is well deserved.  She is an incredible woman that has always lived a very rough road.  She has went through so much and has always come through with grace and understanding.  She is wise and loving.  She more than anyone I know deserves to have things fall into place for her.

Please watch over and bless my family and my friends.  Most of these people are amazing people who do so much for others and live day to day and struggle quite a bit with unfortunate events.  It seems as though many people i have known for most of my life have always struggled and dealt with situations undeserved.  They have remained remarkable, honest and caring even when it seemed they shouldn't have been.  Give them peace.

I love Mark.  He is an amazing man and lately maybe I haven't been the best of person towards him due to past occurrences.  He has found strength he didn't know he had and has overcame a lot of the demons he struggles with everyday.  He has been trying to to make things right between us.  He has proven he indeed loves me and his children.  He is caring not just for us but for others and had tried to the best of his ability to help and provide.  Please give him peace of mind.  I want the best for him and our children.  His quiet thoughtful nature has always been something that has intrigued me.  I would like to take a lesson from it.  Although we have our troubles and as of right now it is still a working process.  Whatever happens with us,  I just want him to be ok and to live his life to it's fullest.

Watch over Eric.  I hope all is well with him.  I hope he is finding peace with himself and coming to terms with his own demons.  That he is finding happiness where he is at.  I wish the world for him.  I love and miss him dearly.  I still feel broken without him here.  I know things could never be, and it is selfish of me.  Doesn't stop me from wishing it were or even still could be.  I find myself still aching.   I hope he sees me as his friend, someone needed in his life, someone he is happy to hear from.   I hope all his dreams come true and if we ever do see the other again.  We will laugh. 


I do not ask for material possessions.  I do not ask for money.  All I ask for myself is for things to fall into place.  I am grateful for all the things I have in my life. I ask for wisdom, understanding and grace.  There are many things that I want.  Most I know I can't have or need.  I do not ask for them.  I want peace.  I want to be able to sleep at night.  I want it to be known I am a good person with a huge heart.  I care for everyone around me and wish the best for them.  I feel others pain whenever I hear of bad situations.  I wish I could take it all away.  I have my own demons and fights I want to be relieved from.  To come to terms with them.  I want to be able to live a happy full life with no regrets.  To be able to say in the end I did the best I could for people and my children and it turned out ok.  To say that my honesty, virtues and charity was because I wanted to give my part to make this world a little bit better or to say I at least tried.  I people to be able to say that they knew me, and they were glad.  I want the world to be a better place, with no hunger, homeless or pain.  For people to be able to look at another without hatred.  For the many different wars in llife to find mutual common ground and live in peace with their neighbors.  Please keep me from falling into myself.  To stop seeing myself as this ugly, horrible person.  To be able to smile at my reflection.  To be able to love myself.

My prayer isn't much.  Maybe it's a little selfish after all.  But if you do exist.  I hope you listen.  


Moving

i am finally getting out of this god forsaken piece of a shit apartment.  I looked at a house a few days ago...one that I actually liked within my price range.  And I am now renting my first house.  I get the keys to it Monday.  It is a fairly large 3 bedroom, 1 bath, living room, dining room, extra storage building, fenced in yard.  I am so excited.  I need this.  My family needs this.  I can't wait.

Hopefully this will be the start of my string of bad luck finally coming to a slow end.  Maybe not.  But at least it is something good and deserved finally coming into my life.  Maybe now things will start to fall into place for my family and I.

Work has been insane.  I have the feeling I will be pulling a lot of hours over the next couple of weeks between both jobs.  Seems as though every time we hire someone new at Go Mart...it doesn't work out with them.   The past few workers we have hired have also been friends of mine....so it not working out due to things I didn't know or realize prior...well let's just say I'm irate about the situations.  If I had known....I never would have recommended them.  Sometimes you just don't know people as well as you think.  It's sad.  Sometimes I hate being a friend...and their manager.  It ruins the friendship finding this shit out.  I will no longer go out of my way to help someone get a job. 

I'm very tired.  I've only been sleeping maybe 2 or 3 hours a night due to very little time on my hands.  What time I do have I want to spend as much as I can with my kids and also trying to squeeze some me time in.  Sleep just seems to not be a priority and menial.  Also doesn't help that I am a known insomniac.  It is getting worse.  Hopefully when things settle down, after the move and I get things straightened out with Christmas.  I will sleep then, although I doubt it.


I miss him.  Everyday.





Thursday, August 9, 2012

Drained.

I'm.  Fucking tired.

Working 2 jobs, caring for my kids and keeping up my house is wearing me down.  It will be worth it in the end.

Lucian urinated on my phone a couple of weeks ago.  As sad as it sounds I miss my phone.  I was never one to care about material and menial possessions until I purchased my Droid x2....but I guess it was really the only thing I owned I actually liked.  The insurance company is being dumb....seems like it is taking forever to get a replacement. :(  Boo.

 I miss Eric immensely.  He probably thinks I'm fucking creepy or insane.  Not sure if he honestly misses me or not,  he has probably made some new friends and works a lot, which is awesome and I'm so happy that things are working out for him there.  Doesn't change that I miss and love him.  Time has been passing...sometimes with time...it doesn't change or heal things...sometimes it makes it worse. 

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I'm not where I feel I should be.

It will be 4 months in just a couple of days since he left.  I still think of him every day.....


Anyway.  I started working 2 jobs recently in order to be able to pay bills, save some sort of cash in my savings beyond income tax money and first and fore most to be able to purchase my children their birthday and soon to be Christmas gifts.  It sucks.  I hate not having more time on my hands to be around my children.  I miss them terribly and they do me too.  It sucks to hear them cry for me not to go to work.  It sucks that I see them briefly before work and briefly after.  It sucks that it feels like other than providing for them, I am not the one raising them.  I want to laugh and play with them.  I want to be here to kiss them when they get hurt, watch movies before bed and cry with them when they cry.  I have a heavy heart for my kids and hopefully I won't have to work like this for long.  My plan is to work 2 jobs until the end of November and then call the part time crappy food job quits.  Until then....well.  I will just have to deal and do the best I can with what little time I have left in a day.

Doing nothing but working does have a nice numbing to it.  I don't have time to think about the crappy things in my life.  Mark and I are doing fine.  We have come to terms about things and with that...well he does his thing I do mine and in between we are a family.  A strange one.  But a family none the less.  Most days I feel empty and alone, grateful for what I have no doubt, but still empty and alone.  I feel as though all my efforts in being a good person, doing things for others, independent and dependable are for nothing and a slap in the face.  I feel cheated so to speak.  My home life although its fine...feels wrong.  I don't belong here and my kids and I shouldn't be here.  They need their father.  He is good to them...and to me.  I would never keep him from them.  But it feels so wrong.  There is no Mark and I anymore so being here is just...well wrong.  I have no place other than being close friends.  Having no place...is lonely.  So.  Work has taken my mind off of this recently.  I am rarely here unless it is to sleep...double edged sword.  I want to be here with my kids.  Can't stand being here either.  No win.  Fuck. 

I am in need of some companionship.  Real companionship.  Not just friendship.  I have 2 problems with this. One is no one is remotely interested because of my home life and I am just fucking odd anyway in many ways.  This puts most people off.  The second would be is I'm not interested in anyone myself even if someone did come along that showed some interest.  No one has came along I can see being close to, not that I haven't tried.  I have.  But...my heart isn't in it as well as my mind.  They are both somewhere else in which that will end in me always being well....alone.  Sigh.  I will never understand how I can be so wrapped into someone that doesn't want me.  If they did.  I would have known by now.  I miss him terribly still.  WHY??


Saturday, July 7, 2012

things never die

Its been a while since I have posted anything.  Mainly due to being busy. More recently I've been working a ridiculous amount of time lately due to a friend being let go at work.( that in itself calls for a post of its own. Sigh.  Its shitty and I'm highly disappointed and angry about it)  We also had a power outage caused by a derecho here in good ole West by god Virginia.  So all in all work alone along with my kids and other things have used up whatever time I may have had to even think about coming on here. 

Life along with myself are strange.  I will never be able to wrap my head around even the shallowest depths of the human mind...or my own I should say.  The way memories and past events are triggered by the least of things.  Smells, sounds, similar occurrences.  Sometimes they come so hard and so strong all I can do is break down.  At times I dream of taking places with my children.  Back when things were simple.  To be carefree and....free.  When the world looked simply fantastic and awe inspiring without ever seeing the hurt, pain and sorrow that lurk behind the beautiful shiny things.  I wish my children didn't have to grow older,  not because I'm a parent and want them to be my babies forever...they will always be that without saying.  But so they don't have to experience what the world is really like.  How cruel and dishonest people can be without effort it seems.  Or Maynard from tool explained it well in the song "Vicarious"  about the people who just watch and do nothing yet crave for the juicy story of death and destruction.  To not have to look at hurt in the face.  I pray they don't have to deal with this, but alas, all I can do is prepare them the best I can.

  I find myself comparing myself from years ago a lot lately.  Back then I seemed so much more laid back, in tune and all around well rounded.  Of course at the time I thought this untrue.  I look at myself now and see a mess, wishing for the laughing mischievous and intelligent beyond her years teenager.  Now a days I feel so dull, blind and ignorant. I never thought myself pretty, but looking back I took what little looks I had for granted and covered them instead of showing them to others.  I was considered a mystery for my quietness since the only time I did speak was to put in an opinion of substance, not gossip.  Today, It yet again seems backwards. I don't gossip per se, gossip entitles lies.  But I tend to speak more on others and stupid shit than I do things that actually interest me.  I was an artist in a lot of ways.  Now I'm just one trying to be in the shadow of a once talented girl...

I'm trying to find myself.  I stay angry that I can't find her.  I stay angry at others for hurting or lying to me when I should just shrug it off.  I want to be able to laugh again.  The one person that brought that out is gone and is never coming back, at least not to see me if he does.  Its been 3 months.  I'm angry that I still think about him everyday hoping and wishing things could have been different and longing to talk to him in normal circumstances.  I have no idea why he has effected me so much.  Love and hurt sucks. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Hello

So here I am.  I've written a few blogs but never finished or published them.  I honestly don't feel like going back to them to finish what I could have been thinking about that day so I here goes this post.

The past few weeks have been hectic in different ways of chaotic busy.  Work, kids, finding time to do things and doing them.  We go to the park, on play dates and what not in my spare time.  Other times we stay at home and watch movies.  In recent times we went to a cancer benefit for a friend of mine who threw it in order to raise money for his mom who was terminally ill.  It was a great time and we enjoyed helping for a good cause.  Unfortunately, his mom passed a few days after.  My heart goes out to them.

I have been having problems with my neighbor who recently moved in a couple of months ago.  To make details short, she doesn't like my dad and therefore is nosing in my business.  I guess in her eyes since my dad is "bad news" ( he isn't, but has crappy "friends"  they don't come here though so I don't really understand the problem) she thinks I'm bad news.  She has knocked in my door getting in my face while I have had friends over, called the police and made false allegations, and is just constantly trying to start an argument over nothing that has to do with me.  The police have been to my house so much in the past 2 weeks that they themselves are sick of her and are tired of coming for no reason.  They know I don't cause trouble and the accusations she has called them over is untrue.  They advised me to call them on her instead and start filing harassment charges.  I called them once so far when this lady decided to follow me to work, then when I got home she banged on my door demanding where I went and what business I have.  She hasn't bothered me since, but I feel as though it is a matter of time.  I want to move and hopefully can soon.  Having neighbors like her has given me the motivation again to get out of the crap neighborhood I live in.


Life has been ok otherwise.  I have my ups, and my downs.  Everyone does.  I'm taking them in stride and doing what I can for my chidlren, just trying to survive and have fun doing it.  Its not easy, but life never is. 

I still miss him terribly.  2 months have gone, still feels like yesterday.  :/

When I am down, as juvenile as it sounds, I always find myself reading Dr. Suess's last book, Oh the Places You will Go.  Its a simple tale of life, and simple as it is, its pretty damned correct.  I read it to my kids a lot.  Here it is.  I hope you enjoy it too.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

by Dr. Seuss


Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!


I think that is about it for today.  Until next time folks.




Thursday, May 17, 2012

love

I love him.  I miss him.  I hope the best for him.  I'm happy for him.  I want what's in his best interest for him.  I want to see and hear him. I want to hug him one more time. 

I love him.

The end.