I'm not where I feel I should be.

 I started working 2 jobs recently in order to be able to pay bills, save some sort of cash in my savings beyond income tax money and first and fore most to be able to purchase my children their birthday and soon to be Christmas gifts.  It sucks.  I hate not having more time on my hands to be around my children.  I miss them terribly and they do me too.  It sucks to hear them cry for me not to go to work.  It sucks that I see them briefly before work and briefly after.  It sucks that it feels like other than providing for them, I am not the one raising them.  I want to laugh and play with them.  I want to be here to kiss them when they get hurt, watch movies before bed and cry with them when they cry.  I have a heavy heart for my kids and hopefully I won't have to work like this for long.  My plan is to work 2 jobs until the end of November and then call the part time crappy food job quits.  Until then....well.  I will just have to deal and do the best I can with what little time I have left in a day.

Doing nothing but working does have a nice numbing to it.  I don't have time to think about the crappy things in my life.  Mark and I are doing fine.  We have come to terms about things and with that...well he does his thing I do mine and in between we are a family.  A strange one.  But a family none the less.  Most days I feel empty and alone, grateful for what I have no doubt, but still empty and alone.  I feel as though all my efforts in being a good person, doing things for others, independent and dependable are for nothing and a slap in the face.  I feel cheated so to speak.  My home life although its fine...feels wrong.  I don't belong here and my kids and I shouldn't be here.  They need their father.  He is good to them...and to me.  I would never keep him from them.  But it feels so wrong.  There is no Mark and I anymore so being here is just...well wrong.  I have no place other than being close friends.  Having no place...is lonely.  So.  Work has taken my mind off of this recently.  I am rarely here unless it is to sleep...double edged sword.  I want to be here with my kids.  Can't stand being here either.  No win.  Fuck. 

I am in need of some companionship.  Real companionship.  Not just friendship.  I have 2 problems with this. One is no one is remotely interested because of my home life and I am just fucking odd anyway in many ways.  This puts most people off.  The second would be is I'm not interested in anyone myself even if someone did come along that showed some interest.  No one has came along I can see being close to, not that I haven't tried.  I have.  But...my heart isn't in it as well as my mind.