Skeletons

This is a list of things I think about in the night that keep me awake.  I try to keep moving forward and not think about them.  But I do anyway.  Most are things I don't talk about even to people close to me.  Hence the title.

When I was nine I was molested and raped by my grandfather on new years eve.  There were 2 twin sized beds in my bedroom at the time so he slept in there.  This is one of the times I wished I would have listened to my mom and wasn't a brat.  She told me to sleep with her that night almost as if she knew.  Instead because I was 9 and excited for my beloved pawpaw to stay the night, I slept in my room only to awaken later in the night with his hands down my pants.  I screamed, he threw a hand over my mouth and continued to do whatever it was he had in mind.  Afterwards I ran into my mother's room sobbing.  I curled up in her bed and the shakes I was having even though I was trying my best to be quiet through my sobs woke her up.  She immediately asked me what was wrong, took one look at me and left the room to confront my grandfather.
She made him leave.  What bothers me the most about this is the fact other than making him leave that night and consoling me...mom never really did anything about it.  After a few months, he came back for visits.  When this would happen I would go stay the night else where.  I never talked to him again the rest of my life.  I am still angry about my mom never really doing anything about what had happened.  If it were me and one of my kids were touched by anyone..no matter who it was....That person would have no legs left after the beating that would be bestrode upon them.  Years later in a drunken state my mom had a breakdown about it.  She admitted she felt terrible about what happened and that she did the same thing her mother did.  I guess I wasn't my grandfathers first victim.  She said she has never forgiven herself for not doing anything and knows that it bothers me.  It still does even though she had the break through...I just don't let her know it does.   

That being told, although I have very close family members...the rest is very dysfunctional.  I stay away from them.  It bothers me some of the stories I have heard of lies, sex, and just back stabbing deceitfulness.  I have always wished for a "normal" family.  One I could honestly rely on that goes further than my mom.

When I was 14 I was raped at a party a friend was throwing.  This was in the beginning stages of teenage sneaky experimental drinking.  My sister didn't know where I was and the party being thrown was at a guys house whose parents were out of town.  My best friend at the time was the only person I knew there and she was so drunk she couldn't speak or see.  I stupidly went off alone...to be alone.  I was drunk myself, insecure and dumb.  A guy I had met earlier saw this...come to talk to me.  He kissed me. I admit to liking it, but my inner gut told me I shouldn't be alone.  I say something about needing to find my friend and he grabs my arm.  Those are enough details.  I went home that night and received being cussed out by my sister for being drunk and late.  I ended up being grounded.  I never told her I was raped.  I never told my mom.

A couple of months later after I got over that night. I started dating for the first time.  I lost my virginity to a guy I was seeing.  My sister found out. I was called a slut.  I thought to myself...maybe I am one because of the few hellish times I went through.  Maybe I am one for enjoying my first round that I gave permission to.( and I did ) I starting sleeping around a lot for someone my age...well at the time it was considered a lot. I'm not sure about today's standards.  By the time I was 15 I had met Mark and I had already slept with 10 guys and 8 chicks.  Some of these bother me because of how they happened and how easy it was to just fuck someone..even someone you didn't know and not care. My morals since then have went up highly and I'm almost prude.

My father was never around until I was an adult.  I remember crying for him as a child and he would never come.  My mom always spoke badly of him.  I now know why.  He had an affair with my oldest sister.  She wasn't his daughter and he didn't raise her and she was of age so I guess in his eyes that was justified.  My mom was pretty broken over it and I can only imagine being her.  My oldest sister is now a crackhead and never comes around...her and my mother never got along.  I can only imagine the things that have been spoken of between them and the hurtful words that were thrown back and forth.  I never knew her..she is much older than I am and honestly was a rape victims baby.  I wonder if that had something to do with my moms relationship with her being not so great.  I also wonder if Vera was innocent when it came to my father.  I also wonder who raped my mother....
Now as an adult my father tries to be in my life...our relationship is..disconnect and more of a business one.  I care about him a lot...he seems to care about me and my kids too.  But we don't have that father daughter relationship.  I am angry at him for never being there and for my mother.  

My mom is a lesbian.  That doesn't bother me in the least.  It bothers her and all she has went through in her entire life.  She is a strong woman..but she has been through hell to be as strong as she is.  For years she was a severe alcoholic.  I can recall many nights she would come home drunk.  Many of them she was in a rage.  Never took it out on me really.  A few times but not many and never physically.  Many nights she would just cry.  Most nights I took care of her.  I felt like an adult for most of my life now.  She is now a recovering one.  She hasn't had a drink in 3 years and I am proud of her.

I was a straight A student that quit school.  Over a boy because he didn't finish either.  There are many things I should have done differently or opportunities I should have taken but didn't because of Mark.  You would have thought I didn't have a mind of my own to make decisions for myself.  If he didn't like something or didn't want to do it or couldn't....I didn't want to either.  I was very stupid.  I was a very good singer and a mediocre piano player.  I was doing competitions and theater.  I loved high school itself because it was a breath of fresh air from grade school.  Mark didn't like people so would never attend.  He couldn't go to school and was always down on himself not going.  So I stopped.  Everything.  For him.  Now a days I feel so insecure with myself I can't even sing in front of him..let alone other people.  Once again.  I was a stupid woman.  I wish I could turn back the clock not so I would not have never had met him...but to tell him I was going to do these things and hopefully he wanted to better himself too.  Mark being mentioned,  we have been through a lot together.  12 years of horrible family problems on his side, financial instability, drugs, alcoholism, brutal arguments and physical fights.  I love him, but I stay angry at him.  This is the reason I don't want to be with him.  I want to do what I can for him to make his life easier because I care.  I feel guilty for things I've said in the past. I feel guilty for sleeping with someone just this past November out of anger while he was in jail for the last fight we had.  I feel guilty for that one a lot although we were split up.  Yea...that happened.  And this is the first time I've spoken of it outside of my best friend.  And...it wasn't who you think it would be....
I would have thought writing about it would make me feel better...it doesn't.

In my earlier school days I was very shy and awkward.  I was very insecure and no one thought of me pretty.  High school wasn't so bad I had found my place a bit better by then...but before hand, man it was a nightmare.  I was picked on a lot. My nickname was Ina Vagina and thanked the heavens when I moved from wayne.  It sucked.  Some relief I had was some students admired how well I could draw or sing and the fact I was at that time considered intelligent.  I did a lot of kids homework for some peace.  I learned to please people early on by doing things for them or offering to help.  This hasn't changed much.  Why I am still like this as an adult...well...I want that answer too.  I am way more opinionated and upfront than I was when I was a kid.  There is no reason to be shy, awkward, insecure and most of all trying to please to be accepted as an adult.  Thats just dumb.  As a mom now and remembering how my school days were...I am exceptionally critical about how Breanna looks when she goes to school.  Her hair is to be well kept, brushed and her clothes clean and of course name brand.  Breanna of course is a pretty little girl...but the thing she has going for her that I didn't...she is already opinionated and out going.  Her school experience is already better than mine was.

My brother has the highest form of Autism. Bad as it sounds...I fear taking care of him when my parents are gone.  Our sisters won't...they have too much on their plates.  Not that I don't love him,  I just know its going to be hard.  I feel guilty that earlier in my life..and sometimes even now I have felt embarrassed of him.  I admire him in a lot of ways...wish I could sometimes see the world through his eyes.  He can also do amazing things that others can't.  Maybe I'm just jealous.  People piss me off whenever I hear the terms "retard"  or "special" towards those with autism.  Autism sucks....and they will never understand those who have it or go through it.  I have had to take up for my brother my entire life...and he is 14 years older than I.

Being poor. I hate being poor.  I have been my whole life.  Nuff said about that. It sucks not being able to do all you can for your children or others you care about to the extent that you want it to be.

Then...I keep awake feeling guilty over loving someone that isn't Mark...and forlorn-ed that the feeling isn't mutual....

This is enough for today...I could go on...but...I don't have the time to write to the level of Great Expectations.