Guilt and Mark.

I had posted about some skeletons in my past.  Some of those were admitting I'm not innocent when it comes to sex.  I had made claims before that I didn't sleep around that much before I was with Mark to my friends and family. I regret making those claims.  It makes me to be a liar...something I'm not. A lot of those are just times I don't "count"  as They were very shameful to me so I never spoke of them.  My experience I've learned isn't..terrible.  It doesn't make me a whore.  Just an ignorant child.  In the 12 years Mark and I dated I never cheated on him, he was an amazing lover so I didn't feel the need to like many people I know that have after being with someone for so long.  I also loved Mark unconditionally and could see myself with no other.  I admit we "included" others out of fun and experimenting.  When you are with someone for so long you tend to find new ways of pleasing the other and 3 somes were part of that.  It wasn't something that occurred often and it is definitely something I don't regret. I will continue this in a few...

When we were at our worst,  I found myself thinking of trying to find ways out.  I know that sounds bad.  Honestly, Mark is not a bad man at all.  He was just a man that like myself now, felt like he was drowning.  Instead of finding help or asking for it, he resorted to drinking and keeping within himself so much that we at times wouldn't say a word to the other for weeks. He felt like he had no friends to talk to.  He explained that the thoughts inside of his brain and the moods he would go through were like just flipping through the pages of a very big book. He felt like he had no control so he would just stay to himself in attempts to try to help himself, when all the while, it was just making it worse.  My attempts at conversation would quickly come to an end by glares or silence.  He wouldn't step out of the house.  He ignored our children, not because he didn't love them or want to play with them...but because he felt like he couldn't.  There were times I swear it seemed like he didn't move from the left side of the couch.  He would hide away in our bedroom for hours.  I would try to see what was wrong, cheer him up, suggest going out and doing something or hell even offer sex just to try to make him feel better enough to spend some sort of time with us.  Some days he would just be angry.  Other days I would see him to the point of tears.  Others....he just existed.  It was heart retching to explain to Breanna why daddy didn't want to play or talk to her.  His bi polar was tearing our family apart.
I tried to be understanding and stand by him through the thickness of this situation.  I would beg him to please get help, and medication. (Mark was on medication for a while and suddenly stopped taking it, this made things much worse )After some time however he progressed to taking it out on me through arguments that were petty.  On nights he was drinking I learned to just stay away or else things would get bad.  The arguments we would have rocked our house if I didn't just stay away. Some nights he would take off walking and I feared he would commit suicide or get into a fight on purpose.  I have no idea really what would trigger his mood swings so bad while he was drunk.  One minute he would be fine and the next...well...completely the opposite.  He would be upset or angry and rant about the world and the things that were shitty in it.
There came a point that the only time he talked to me was when he would be venting about these subjects or if he wanted sex.  I felt used for a long time as someone that merely took care of 2 kids and an adult. I felt used for sex.  I felt used period.  And after while....I stayed angry.  I'm not innocent in our problems.  I would come home to a nasty house after spending all day making it fit the day before and go off about it.  I would go off on him being lazy and not doing anything for himself or our children.  I would go off on feeling used.  Anger was slowly turning into hatred.  And I let it show.
Within the time period after Mark when off meds and things were at its worse with him being depressed and angry, we had a few physical fights when he was drinking. The first time wasn't bad.  It hurt my pride more than anything.  I tried to stop him from drinking because he already had enough.  He was obliterated and hostile. I took the beer out of his hand and the next thing I knew he grabbed me and started hitting me.  I made him leave.  He didn't hurt me that much, like I said it was mostly pride and the feeling of utter sadness that someone you love and is supposed to love you back tried to hurt you.  He left for a week to stay with his parents.  After begging and pleading, promises and apologies, I let him come back.  After all, I loved him.  I knew the kind of man he was and also the depression and anguish that was consuming him that was turning him into someone he wasn't.  Before this rut he was in, Mark would never have hurt a fly...let alone someone he loved.  He was a hard worker.  He pulled his weight around the house and showed me unconditional love and caring.  This drunken, depressed and broken man was not the man I loved and I knew that.  So knowing this, we tried again.
Things were ok for a a bit.  He was trying.  He still wasn't getting help so slowly he started sinking again.  He slowly started drinking again.  He slowly started drinking A LOT again.  Things slowly became worse than they ever were.  6 months after the first time he hit me, He did again.  This time in front of our children.  This time he actually tried to hurt me and wasn't holding back.  This time,  I didn't hold back either.  I fought back and honestly hurt him more than he did me.  This time, I put him in jail.  I also filed charges and ordered a DVP.  This time,  Mark had a true wake up call.  

Anger and sadness about the man I loved took over.  I dwelled on things that maybe I did, things maybe I could have changed and for possibly being the cause of his rock bottom.  I became angry at myself for thinking this.  How could he treat me this way?  I've done and sacrificed everything for this man.  How could things get so bad so quickly?  We were together 12 years.  Not all was ever always happy.  We have always had struggles and got through them but never took it out on each other or had anger towards the other.  How did the past year become so terrible? What went wrong?  These questions would eat at me.  I became angry and depressed and for the first time in 12 years, I acted on impulse and slept with another man while Mark was in jail.  I thought maybe revenge. I also wanted to feel wanted for even a moment.  I wanted someone that wasn't him. This man will not be mentioned in my blog,  he is a friend and we did each other a favor. We are still friends and it isn't mentioned.  Although Mark and I were no longer in my eyes when I did this...I feel guilty over it.  I feel like I cheated on him.  6 months have almost went by since that time and I still haven't slept with Mark (we aren't together so I won't...I know it would lead into being a couple again) or anyone else.  I feel dirty.  I feel not good enough to deserve to have the pleasures of the flesh.  I haven't told Mark although many times I have wanted to and come close to it.  Hopefully one day I can get up the gall to do it and I will feel better about him knowing.  This is the first and only thing I have ever kept from him and I don't like it.  Even now and we are only friends, I still tell him everything. He knows about my love for E, something he has never said anything bad about and has even consoled me over.  He likes E and even stated if I was to be with anyone at least he had comfort in mind it was a good guy that treats everyone with respect and caring.  This fact makes me feel like...shit.  It also makes me feel shitty for not admitting I slept with someone since Mark to the ones closest to me including E.  This again..makes me feel like a liar.

Since being out of jail and separated (he lived with his aunt for a couple of months)   Mark has done...wonderfully.  He almost seems like his old self.  He is caring and loving again.  He is working, helping with the house and pulling his weight with the kids (we had a few hiccups like the school attendance thing...but nothing huge)  He is getting out more and starting to make friends and see old ones again.  He has been going to therapy and is on medication that is working splendidly for him.  He is almost the man I loved.  I am very proud of him. I feel guilty despite his efforts as of late,  I still don't want to be with him.  I feel its too soon.  I fear it may go back to the way things once were.  I love him very much...I always will, but I no longer see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with as my husband.  He will always be in my life as a beloved and dear friend as I couldn't see a life without him.  This...again make me feel guilty and shitty.  He feels as though his efforts are for nothing even though it was clearly stated in the beginning on his path to wellness that I would no longer be his wife.  Part of me wants my feelings to change.  I've let him move in again because its easier for the both of us.I would have thought my feelings for him would change with him being back and I would want to be with him again, but they haven't.  I'm not sure if they will.    I would like to see him start dating, but he won't.  I would like to do the same, but I fear breaking him.  It's a no win. 

Earlier in the blog I was speaking of sex, regrets ect.  I have regrets of some of my past experiences and my more recent sexual escapade with my friend.  I don't regret having it, but the situations or feelings involved at the time they happened.  I was either angry, upset and under some sort of influence whether it be alcohol or drugs.  This is...risky.  My actions could have gotten me hurt ( something I should be more wise about considered my childhood abuse) I could have gotten some sort of disease or illness.  Thankfully, that has never happened.  I don't deny being a sexual creature.  I like it, love it.  I please you, you please me kind of person.  I have a very open mind and will try just about anything.  Getting off is fun...and it feels good.  That being said some of my regrets is thinking that if it feels good.....how could it be bad if you and the person you are with at the time are willing?  This kind of thinking would make me think of my rapes.  Why did they do this?  Was it because they liked it and thought it was ok?  Is there something wrong with me now for liking sex even after my horrible experiences?  Did I deserve to be hurt then because of how I am now?   Was it my fault?
These questions still occur. I know I am not at fault for their actions.  I know they are questions of insecurity.  But I ask them anyway.  In more recent days I have found myself not wanting to be this way anymore which is frustrating. I still like it and want it.  But since November I have found shame in it.  I want to, but fear guilt that would come with it. I wonder what people think of me. As stated in another post...I need therapy. 

I have found blogging to be a good therapy for me.  I feel more at ease getting some of this shit out of my brain.  When not on here I take my children and get out of the house.  I hang out with my friends and family.  Mark and I get along fine and do stuff together as well with the kids.  I try to find laughter in my life. Things seem to be slowly...becoming ok.  Time will tell and maybe the current rut I myself have been in will slowly diminish.

I still miss E terribly. I've talked to him a couple of times and he seems to be doing alright.  I am happy to hear he found a job and his first comedy show is coming up very soon this week.  It brings me a bit of joy to hear of him doing well and moving forward to better his life.  I can't wait to hear how his show went.  I'm sure it will go great and he will bring many laughs to many people.  I wish I could be there to see it and support him but since I can't...I will be sitting right here cheering him on from home.