My mom

I went to spend the day with my mother yesterday.  My mom is a great woman full of strength, good advice and humor.  During these visits we sit, have coffee, smoke cigarettes and just discuss life and what is happening in it.  We play with my kids and sometimes play cards.  I am happy to say that along with being my mom, she is also my friend.  I can talk to her about anything if I want to.  I don't because I'm afraid of hurting her, but I can if I want to without worry of being judged. She knows everything about me except for a couple of things, one of which already mentioned in an earlier blog. Most of my friends love her too and enjoy talking to her, and she likes most of them as well.
We rely on each other a lot.  I'm the only one out of my siblings that lives close or actually takes the time to visit with her.  She is the only one I trust with my kids as a babysitter.  If one needs something, the other tries their best to provide it.
During this particular visit, my mom seems down and out.  She hasn't been well lately and a couple of months ago broke her knee which has caused her to not be able to do things she enjoys doing or do for herself too much.  Since January I have went over once a week to help clean and do her laundry to make things easier on her.  This day seemed a bit deeper than just not feeling well so I asked her what was wrong.  She becomes quiet and I thought for the first time in my life, my mom looks old.
She is 68.  But she is so vibrant and goofy and younger looking she could pass easily for her late 40's early 50's.  I've never honestly thought of my mom as a "senior citizen" and she certainly never acted like one.  It occurred to me that I may not have my mom that much longer.  She is at the age when anything can happen to your health if you don't look after it.
Age was exactly what was bothering my mom.  She looked at me and told me she was scared and hurt.  Scared because she is growing older and hurt that her older children don't come see her and rarely call her.  She barely knows her 7 other grandchildren and she doesn't want to die.  I feel saddened for my mom.  I wasn't really sure of what to say regarding my sisters and my brother.  As for her health I told her she is doing all that she can do for it and as long as she does there shouldn't be any problems and most of all...The kids and I were here for her.  I hate seeing my mom upset.  Its a losing empty feeling that I'm sure she feels whenever she sees me down and out. 
My siblings piss me off.  I'm 27 years old.  Our mom was always a good mom to me and they have always said she was a good mom to them growing up.  They dealt with other things than I did.  They saw more shit happen that was before my time because they are much older than I, but that doesn't have anything to do with the type of mother my mom was to them.  If she was a good one to you, why do you have no contact with her?  When I was a kid my sisters and brother were all on their own by the time I was 5. I was an aunt by the time I was 3.  In 15 years, I can recall my mom making an effort to make trips to visit her other children and grandchildren at least a couple of times a year.  All visits were nice and cheery.  Tears would roll when we would leave and words of love you and missing you were always said.  My sisters have never made trips to come visit our mother except if someone died in our area.  My brother lives literally BLOCKS away and never makes an attempt to go see her just to say "hello mom I love you" So I don't understand them.  All I know is in the end...they are going to regret it when our mother is gone and I find it sad that my mom is going to die thinking her other children hate her for reasons unknown.
So with that...I make an effort to be a good daughter to my mom despite her job being done as a mom.  I will always want and need my mom...long after she is gone.  Hopefully she will still be around whenever both of my kids graduate.  I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons along this line.  Mom has been here through everything major they have went through, having babies, grandchildren graduations, marriage of some of them, great grandbabies even.  I want my mom there for all this and for her to see it happen, not call her about it.  They squandered their adulthood with her.  I wonder if they even feel bad about it and what they have possibly told their children about her.  They have a grandmother they barely know that could have brought as much joy in their lives as she does my children.  They could have brought more joy into my mothers.  It angers me.
After consoling her and talking of life I hugged my mom.  I let her know that she means the world to me and although I'm not the rest of my siblings and could never take the place of all of them, that I'm not going anywhere and she is needed in mine and my children's life.  That I wouldn't have it any other way. And that I love her.