Rant.

I can't seem to bring myself up from sinking.  I stay so depressed, down and out that being positive or doing simple things seem so hard.  It seems hard to just wake up and do what I have to do in order to be a fit mom or to go into work. This is all due to my own faults.  I take on a lot for people and care too much about EVERYONE.  This needs to stop.  I am now going to vent about it. Hopefully...it helps.

I seem to be a never ending bank to some.  I work at a gas station.  I manage the income I get wisely because of this reason. I make my income taxes last almost until its time for them again.  I pay my bills, care for my family and still get what I want that is within reason.  I am never...broke.  Too many people know this and take advantage of it.  Me being kind and I never want to see someone go without usually gives in.  I have some people come to me frequently needing money till payday, or needing cigarettes, bills are due or just wanting something bought that they can't afford on a regular basis.  It's not just money either..but maybe help doing something..or it may be something I already have that they want. Yet it seems as though if I need something..even just a conversation or to hang out...they are not available or can't do it.  Just recently I put a stop to this...some of these are family and what I thought were good friends and now they want nothing to do with me and are angry.  I am accused of being heartless and selfish.  Selfish?  Really?  Dude..I've been helping you out constantly and now that I can't because its a problem and fear of being broke and not being able to provide for my family..you are mad?  Fuck you.  I am selfish in ways....but it is definitely not with giving or with money.  It saddens me.

Another that leads into the above is people who only call to talk or hang out is when they want something...not particularly from me..but people I know.  I am used for a middle man to get what they want because my friends or family may have whatever it may be what they are looking for. This is draining for a lot of the same reasons.  If I need something, usually just wanting company or to talk to because I thought we were friends,  they are never available. Imagine that. Once again...I put a stop to it..confront it.  And they are angry.  I am once again being accused of being selfish and cold.  I am tired of always being a go to person for any of these people listing now or above.  If you only call me or want to hang out because you want something from me or someone I know.  You suck.  It saddens me because I thought I had a rather big nice circle of friends going on.  And..I don't.  I've done a lot for some of these people..it sucks to be taken advantage of.

 Speaking of family.  Same thing.  I'm a never ending bank it seems like.  I get guilt trips if I can't help out particularly from my mom and dad.  I love them dearly don't get me wrong and they do a lot for me too. But its draining that when you don't have it and already gave money a week prior to get a guilt trip about not having it.  I usually end up giving it yet again and putting myself and my family in a financial bind until the next payday..and this cycle starts again.  I'm not sure how to put not really a stop but just a thing not occurring as often to this one. My parents both do a lot for me that I am grateful for. My mother babysits when she can and my dad takes me pretty much where I need to go most of the time.  I feel bad telling them no...so I don't.  I honestly just don't understand where their money goes...hell they get paid more than I do. : /

At home I feel like a lot of the time I still have 3 children instead of 2.  Mark has been working and doing better with cleaning and pulling his weight with the kids.  But he is angry about not being a "couple"
He becomes childish when he doesn't receive what he wants..usually something expensive.  this is a problem because we each split the bills and the rest of our checks is our own money.  I get paid more than he does so usually he ends up being broke long before I am.if he wants something and doesn't have the money he mopes around until I'm like fuck I don't care...go get it..heres cash.  Money isn't the main issue.  He mopes around about us not being a couple.  He wants sex and cuddling and closeness..I won't give it to him because I don't want it.  I find it pointless if we aren't together and I don't want to be together.  He says he doesn't want to be with someone else so he isn't going to go looking for it elsewhere.  This will cause awkwardness at home.  This will also cause grudges which in leads to snappiness. This is an everyday occurrence.  Its getting old.  I love him..I don't want to be with him.  I don't want to cast him away so I feel stuck,  I feel like I'm being the nice guy by letting him stay here...try to have a life together with our kids. Am I wrong?  Am I being an asshole?  He can come and do what he pleases.  I would like to see him start trying to get ass elsewhere...he can.  He just doesn't.  Am I being the bad guy here?

I'm lonely.  I want closeness.  But I don't want anyone.  Sucks huh.  

My kids..They are little tornadoes that don't listen lately.  I think most of this is me being down and out thinking such.  I'm not sure.  I feel like all I do is clean and yell at them.  This of course isn't true.  I do stuff with them everyday in effort to be a decent mom, have fun and it helps me to get out of my head being out and about busy with playdates or the park. I've been really hard on myself as a mother...always have been.  I feel like a shitty one.  there have been times I've had unhealthy thoughts of suicide and I think of them. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for them and they deserve better.  That maybe if I wasn't around someone would come in and do a better job than I am at raising them.  Then I feel so guilty thinking these things and honestly angry at the mere thought of someone else being a mom to my babies. I know they would be lost without me and no one else could be the mom I am to them.  They are mine.  I can't imagine life without them...I know they can't without me either.  Suicide then seems silly..and stupid.

Work is draining to me.  But that is what jobs do. I work a lot.  I rarely call off and usually go in when needed.  Nothing really there to write about.  Its not a bad place or bad people.  I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Other than actual situations in my life,  I can't seem to get my own demons from eating the inside of my head.  I think a lot on stupid things, worry over stuff I shouldn't that I know is childish or pointless or really has nothing to do with me.  Example.  It really bothers me that my dad gets taken advantage of by crack whores.  Nothing I can do to change it.  But it bothers me immensely.  I wonder how people look on me knowing this.  Sigh.
The demons inside my head are never ending telling me I'm ugly.  I'm stupid.  That I'm unloved and people find me ignorant. They tell me I'm worthless and a child. That the things I have done in my life are terrible and people hate me over them. I'm not good enough. That I should just die.    

The people who matter in my life.  I am sorry.  You have listened to me or read about me whine, bitch and moan so much lately.  In return I have been so stuck within my own head and life that I haven't really taken the time out to listen to you or be there when you have needed me.  You have tired of hearing me be negative and I don't blame you.  Some of you don't even reply back to my texts or phone calls now.  That being said.  I miss E terribly.  I hope he is busy.  I hope I haven't put him off by my whining.  Part of me thinks that is too late and I have. I haven't heard from him much.  :(    I can't even listen to music anymore without tears rolling. My boss at work has even seen this...pathetic.

Side note.  How can one be so childish and broken over something that never was?  We are amazing friends that loved the other...sure.  But it was never any more than that...that was clear.  I feel like I lost a part of me.  I think about it and become even more depressed because I am being selfish,  I am happy for him and wanting to better his life.  I want to see him succeed. So why am I so down on him not being here?  I need to be more happy for my friend and hope more for him and look forward to the future and seeing him again instead. It sucks when you love someone and it hurts. It sucks more when the feelings aren't exactly mutual.  Maybe I know how Mark feels.  : / 

My best friend probably thinks I am dumb.  Mary.  I'm sorry.  One probably thinks I don't want to be around her due to never calling or coming around because...I'm dumb, Juleah.  I'm sorry.  You guys mean the world to me.  I'll be back soon.

I posted on Facebook that I had been struck in the face.  The thing that struck me is this.
Life is just life.  Not everyone is going to love you like you do them.  Not everyone is going to take on what you take on.  Not everyone is understanding about your situations.  Not everyone cares like you do.  Not everything is going to be perfect and most of the time...its not. People are going to come and go in your life and some will remain it for forever.  I have been down for too long.  I have been depressed and its sucking the life and funny right out of me.  I am not enjoyable to be around anymore.
I need to take time out to reflect on it.  Then.  I need to change it.