Ramblings of nonsense

The past year has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. Between being a working full time mother of 2 and dealing with all the things life has thrown at me, I seem to have become very unstable within my own head. Some days are better than others, but every day seems to be a struggle just to keep my head above water. I'm trying to change this but have just seemed unsuccessful in doing so. I'm trying my hand of writing again ...although badly instead of venting on Facebook... and I know I will not be able to explain things that go on in my brain...But its a shot.
Mark and I are no longer a couple. We are very good friends but with certain current events of the both of us being unhappy, his bi polar and lack of acceptance to help of it, intense arguments and even actual physical fights we both agreed we are just not good for the other.
That being said, we still live together and love the other very much. But it is awkward. We do what we have to do daily like work, care for our children and all other life's errands necessary for survival like normal as if we were still a couple, but there is no "couple" relationship other wise. Neither of us make enough money to be able to live separately with 2 kids. I have found this can be very heart retching and lonely at times. A big part of me loves him and always will. It is hard to say the end of something that lasted so long but yet is still in your face. I'm sure he feels the same way. I can't seem to let go or find my own way. I can't imagine and fear being on my own and I worry what Mark would do with me not here. I feel at a loss at the confusion and cluster fuck of this situation.
Other times I just want to leave. Take my children and run. Of course I wouldn't fathom actual doing so. Mark is a good father and has been trying immensely to make better of things. But I don't feel....free. I'm not ready for any kind of romance or relationship but it would be nice not to worry about the whole "Oh...by the way...my ex husband and I are roommates...I hope that isn't a problem" conversation. Also I find it would be disrespectful. Mark is a good man who doesn't deserve that and who wouldn't be angry to see their other with another person? Its difficult for those who do not live together...I can only imagine the level of emotion and events that could happen while in the same household. Also needless to say after 12 years and only one man in that time and the very very few partners before hand, my experience in dating, sex and over all social flirtatious skills are underdeveloped. (well....sex isn't...but the fear of having it with someone else is there.) There is still a lot of attachment and guilt of doing so in mind. Guilt is a big one. I will get to that later.

My kids are wonderful. Breanna is the normal sassy, beautiful intelligent and creative 6 year old little girl. I envy her outlook and perspective on everything. Her focus on detail is amazing and her logic is mind boggling for someone of her age. Her drawings, made up songs and dances never fail to brighten my day. She is attending pre k and is progressing beautifully. I'm very proud of her.
Lucian is the typical hyper, into everything little boy. His laugh is contagious and smile is winning. His curiosity is never ending. He has to know how everything works, smells, feels and in some reckless embarrassing cases....taste. He at times spends hours fiddling with objects taking them apart and putting them back together. His favorite pass time at the moment is wondering what else he can do to scare the living day lights out of the cat. He is my little man and the joy he and Breanna bring to me....well...I wouldn't be here without it.

Besides relationship confusion at home that keeps me up at night. My brain at times feels wired incorrectly. I will have an amazing day yet still will come home depressed or angry at my life. At times it gets in the way of me being a good mother to my kids (this is something that WILL stop) which rips out my heart when all they want to do is play or for me to read them a book and I don't simply because it seems like an overwhelming task at the time or I let my inner sadness consume and I can't bring myself to actually enjoy it enough to do whatever it is they want me to do. This isn't something I let happen often. But it has...and it eats at me. I feel like a shit mother. All I do is work and deal with the rest life throws at me. I never can seem to find enough time with them and as said..sometimes have not felt like the time spent with them was in their best interest. I worry if I am damaging my children. I worry if I am doing the best I can to shape them into the future adults they will be with the skills needed for life. I worry if they love me.
Why am I low? I don't know. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Beautiful children. A job. All the things I need and most of my wants. I have a lot of regrets that eat at me, a go no where relationship that most of the time I feel should have ended long ago before now, never finishing school ( yea...I am changing that too) I wonder about past events or opportunities I should have taken but didn't due to Mark or being irresponsible. Mark being mentioned, I always felt guilty for enjoying or doing something that could be good for me and my future. He never wanted to do these things so I felt guilty if I wanted to. So. I never did.
I worry too much what people think of me. I have always been one that aimed to please doing anything in my power to help or please someone. Mainly because I really want to help someone and feel good about it. But I admit to also doing things for some in order to feel accepted and appreciated.(this has gotten me into the predicament of being taken advantage of...a lot) I've never felt pretty or thought of myself remotely so. Being over weight now with the face of a bad Velma from Scooby doo has caused serious issues on my self image despite what others have said. I've always been awkward and my humor is odd or dry. I wonder if they think me ignorant as although I don't find myself to be so...I'm definitely not the brightest. My close friends I even wonder this even when I know they don't. I am (obviously) very down on myself and pretty emo...which is annoying. I fear this will if not already cause my friends to not want to be around me which in turn has me worrying about what they think of me again. Its a cycle.

Not all is dark. I have 3 friendships I can not live without. I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. Most recent friendship developed over the past 2 years with a co worker of mine. He is a comedian and has brought a lot of laughter and light into my life. Something I am eternally grateful for. I have gotten into the habit of going to comedy shows as a release from reality even if for a brief moment thanks to him. It has helped me immensely when things are not so happy. He is an amazing and beautiful man both outside and in. Good taste in music, movies....just about anything really. His outlook on life is something I wish I could see from his eyes and his respect for others is something you just don't see any more. Now we are at the guilt part from earlier in the blog.
Although we are just very close, good friends. I have found myself in love with my new found friend. There isn't a day I don't want to see or talk to him. There isn't a long period of time when I don't wonder what he is doing or how he is getting along. I can't imagine him not being in my life. I always wished for more than our friendship but feared losing it. I also felt/feel guilty because of emotional attachment to Mark still. I wondered if it could be and if it would be better. I've wondered if he has felt the same way. All this guilt,wondering, hopes and wishing has kept me awake many many nights.
In recent weeks, my dear friend has moved to Florida (ha...ironically) to pursue a better life and hopefully find his place in a career of comedy. Although I am very happy for him for wanting to better his life and I have very high hopes of his success and future, I suddenly feel very lost. I miss him so much it hurts and find myself in tears knowing I won't see him the next day at work or to hear him laugh or speak of encouragement as well as blunt truths. Of course there is facebook or the phone. But it isn't the same. As silly as it sounds...I feel broken without him here.

This was a very long...very boring....very whinny post. Maybe the next won't be so bad.