Theives, Emo girl, Whatever.

So I haven't been on here in a couple of days,  Things were going pretty good with work, kids and life.  You may have read in a previous post about me exhausting certain people out of my life that had made a habit of taking advantage of me and my family.  I thought I was done doing that but last night I was proved wrong.

Lately Mark and I have been helping a friend of ours ( we will call him Joe) who is going through a hard time.  We both have know Joe for like 15-16 years.  Mark ran into him at the store after not seeing him in a while and invited him over for dinner and to hang out to catch up and talk of old times.  Joe would come over every so often and do this very thing, talk with Mark, laugh with me and the kids and usually I would make dinner for all of us during these visits.  Joe also told us of hard times he has run into in recent days as in losing his job, his relationship ended an just being depressed.  He expressed he had missed us and appreciated us being there for him during his tough times.  We also helped him with small amounts of money he needed to get by on.  He had always been a great friend in the past and we was happy to help him and in a million years never would have thought of him as a thief.

The past few times he has been over I noticed small amounts of money coming up missing.  I didn't think anything of it.  I thought maybe I misplaced 20 dollars here or 10 dollars there.  Or I assumed Mark took it needing money for lunch or cigarettes at work.  Although we are not loose with money at all and live pay check to pay check I just didn't think anything about the missing money and would justify it.  I never thought to just ask Mark and he never thought to ask me about some money coming up missing from his own wallet, we just assumed it was the other needing it.  I thought this strange whenever the money would come up missing, but didn't sweat it.  I'm never broke and get by so I'm not going to care about 10 or 20 dollars enough to interrogate Mark if he needed it and he thought the same with me. Yesterday I noticed that a jar we keep cash in had a good build up of change and bills.  This jar is something we just throw loose money in whether it be change or actual cash because 9 times out of ten, we don't use cash. We normally use debit cards.  Whenever a good amount is in these jars, I count it up and depending on the amount I either just put it in our kids bank account or I pay a bill with it.  There was 149 dollars in this jar after I counted it out.  My electric bill is 130 so I was like hell yea I'll pay the electric with it and we will have that extra money in the bank we won't have to spend.  I put the money back in the jar and place it back on the entertainment center. 

Last night, Joe calls Mark to hang out and Mark gladly says sure and he would pick him up.  Having friends again has helped Mark immensely as well since on his path to wellness.  So Mark goes and picks him up and they do what they do, vent about work and life and play video games and play with the kids.  He stays a couple of hours and later in the night Mark takes him home and Mark informs me he was running to the store to get some stuff for his fish tank and asked if I needed anything.  I say no and tell Joe goodbye along with a hug and hope to see you again soon.  Shortly after Mark leaves, I decide to get into the money jar again and go ahead to get it together to take into work to get a money order for the electric bill before I get off work tomorrow.  When I look at the jar it seemed off from the way I left it.  The lid wasn't on like I had it and the money seemed depleted a bit.  I count it.  60 dollars is missing.  I call Mark and ask if he took it to use at the store and he said no he was going to use the debit card like he always does.  Now I'm mad.  Its apparent our old friend stole money off us.  No one else had been in my house and I just counted it so I know it didn't happen prior.  I'm now pissed.  Joe was a person we thought highly of and always had a lot of respect for.  I nor Mark would never of thought of him a thief.  He never stolen anything off us in the past.  I started thinking about the chump change coming up missing.  Ironically, but I'm not 100 percent sure, this money would come up missing after visits with Joe.  Now...I'm furious.  We just helped him out with money.  Why would he feel the need to steal?  All he had to do was ask.  Also how can you be so nonchalant about stealing off of someone who has helped you and you are compelled to do it not once....but several times without blinking an eye?  I don't know who I can trust anymore.  This was a slap in the face so to speak. It hurt that who I thought was a good friend would take from me and my family.

I vent on facebook about it without saying what happened.  I am quite vague at times on there when venting.  I do it a lot and can be quite depressing or down in my status updates.   Its normal for me and people don't think anything of it, they assume nothing is wrong I'm just being emo.  This bothers me a bit too.  Even while emo, and despite this theft, any other time I vent or being "emo" it doesn't mean I'm venting or upset about nothing.  People who I thought knew me better even assumed nothing was wrong with me, I was just being down as always.  So...I'm always down for no reason now?  Just because I vent, upset, depressed or down doesn't mean there isn't reason behind it.  There usually is, even if it may be stupid or menial to them.  I would have thought my better friends, my best friends would know this.  It wasn't until I came out and said someone had stolen money off me when they were concerned and then my phone was being blown up with texts and calls wondering who did it and why and if I was ok or going to do anything about it.  I just felt like hey,  lets ignore her when she is down for the most part...(hell I've even gotten rude or snarky comments over my status updates before along with a few encouraging words of things getting better)... but hey now that something happened that we feel is a real reason lets make sure she is ok.  I'm not mad about it.  I'm grateful for their concern, but it still stung a little.  I guess its my own fault, I've even stated I am down too much and I'm emo and probably get on peoples nerves.  I always get a no everyone needs to vent...it helps. I just feel even more alone now knowing thats how people think of me.

Whatever.  :/

Anyways thats about all for today.  I'm spent.

Smile.

So today while I was at work I waited on a regular customer.  During the past several visits to the store this particular customer has nicely complimented me on various things about me like the hats I wear, the fact I'm usually friendly, my smile and I have pretty eyes.  He told me every time he walks in I make his day singing while working and smiling.  He's a nice guy, I'd say early 40's and not a bad looking man but not really my type so to speak.  Anyhoo, he comes in today to buy his cigarettes and a soda, grabs one of the fresh roses we keep on the counter and I ring him up.  After I take his money he hands me the rose and tells me that was for making his day with my smile.  It was really sweet and made my day and I was happy to have made his day too.  Little things.

After coming home and settling down, I realize I need to run to the dollar store to grab toilet paper and trash bags before Mark has to be at work.  I go to the store and while talking with the cashier who is a friend of mine, she was telling me a story about one of her kids and I laughed.  A gentleman was standing next to me waiting his turn to be checked out himself, compliments me on my smile.  I turned and say thank you and he proceeded to tell me I had stunning eyes.  I must of blushed horribly while thanking him as he laughed at my modesty.  I must add this man was not a bad looking fellow either.  Today was a win.

I don't take compliments and nice gestures well. I also don't usually like to be hit on, but then again it sucks to NEVER be hit on either.( Must be a woman thing) I don't get compliments often from generally nice attractive people..its usually from people whom are drunk or drug influenced, desperate or a good friend or family member.   Not saying I don't have some nice qualities about my personality or some nice features, but I'm not one that stops one in their tracks when eyes are laid upon me.  When standing next to other females within my own circle of friends or out and about period, I'm never usually the first to be hit on, looked at or talked to by those I consider out of my league...cause normally they are...that being said I'm never the first to be talked to or hit on by those in or below my league either.  Not that it never happens...just not often. It kind of sucks and my self image is shitty...for a reason.  I still have pimples like I'm 12, am over weight and oddly proportioned.  I walk like and dress like a man half the time.   I'm a little strange (ok...thats putting it mildly..I can be highly strange) and somewhat odd and intimidating in my looks.  When I do get hit on, people seem to always see the same thing, Either its my eyes and more crudely my boobs.  It gets old after a while.  I sometimes think...damn...I have nothing else going for me at all and I would hate for them to see me naked or I don't have any other feature of any quality at all.   So...today was a nice change for others thinking otherwise. It was nice for not one but two people to say something a little different for a change.  :)

I have tomorrow off work.  I plan on going and getting my hair cut and nails done.  I haven't for a while and its long past due.  I may dye my hair too.  I look alright with red hair...I just hate keeping up with it and usually dye my hair back to black after so long.  Maybe it will help boost my self esteem...who knows. If not sometimes its nice to just be a girl for a day...even if your bad at it.

Side note... E liked red hair on women. : /  Sigh. 

This post was incredibly pointless...but hey..it still helps...

Friends, Puppies and porn.

Past couple of days have been going alright.  I've stayed busy and working.  Yesterday Mark went and picked up a really good friend of ours and my friend Ashley came over.  We sat around, played with the kids, listened to music, watched movies, talked and reminisced times of old.  We talked of the future and all hope for summer so we could possibly take a few trips camping and to amusement parks.  It was a good time and I miss doing stuff like this more often with friends.  I miss my best friends.  All live away with the exception of one and our schedules keep us from really getting to spend time together.  I talk to Mary and Juleah at least a couple times a week normally, but sitting on their porches, smoking cigarettes and playing with our kids..there is nothing like it.  Both are so different yet so alike.  Juleah's sweetness, hospitality and goofy self is great.  She has this way of just making anyone feel welcome, at home and like she has known them for years...even if she hasn't.  She loves her family more than anything and would do anything for them or for ones close to her. 
Mary.  How do I explain Mary.  I have never met another woman like her.  I admire her strength, wisdom and her wit is astounding.  Her general caring for everything around her and for everyone and hopes for a better world is something everyone should take the time to listen to.  Drinking coffee and laughing at the most ridiculous while also discussing subjects of substance never fail to entertain me. Our children play wonderfully together and Breanna says that Violet is her best friend too. She knows everything about me and always takes the time to listen as well as giving good advice and blunt truths.  She works hard and takes on a lot of responsibility for her school and family.
I love them both to bits and couldn't ask for better ladies around to call them friends.  Both I can depend on and I hope they feel they can with me.  If I am having a horrible day and call one or the other both never cease to cheer me up and enlighten me.  I need to visit them soon.
I miss E.  Whenever something funny happens at work or if I see a car that looked similar to his, I find myself forgetting he is gone and get excited...then sad after remembering its not him.  I am one to laugh easily anyway...but no one could make me laugh all day long like he could.  Even though he didn't talk about himself much, he always took time to listen to me and give advice or blunt truths of a situation.  I miss talking about music and movies.  I miss just being goofy and feeling...free around him.  I felt like I could be my strange self around him and that isn't something I feel I can be around with very many people.   He made me want to be better, look better ( I wore more dresses and makeup these past 2 years than I have in my entire life ) and feel better about life. Most of all.  I just miss him and all that came with him.  I love him and hope all is going well in Florida.
Tonight I am hoping attending a comedy show for the first time since he moved if I can find a sitter for my kids.  I look forward to it but also know it is going to be awkward with him not there.  Speaking of which...here is one of E's sets before he moved.  It was called "Puppies and Porn"  I was at this set and he did wonderfully.  This wasn't long after he first started doing stand up and some of these jokes never fail to still crack me up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I guess that is all for today.   Tha tha tha tha that's all folks.

My mom

I went to spend the day with my mother yesterday.  My mom is a great woman full of strength, good advice and humor.  During these visits we sit, have coffee, smoke cigarettes and just discuss life and what is happening in it.  We play with my kids and sometimes play cards.  I am happy to say that along with being my mom, she is also my friend.  I can talk to her about anything if I want to.  I don't because I'm afraid of hurting her, but I can if I want to without worry of being judged. She knows everything about me except for a couple of things, one of which already mentioned in an earlier blog. Most of my friends love her too and enjoy talking to her, and she likes most of them as well.
We rely on each other a lot.  I'm the only one out of my siblings that lives close or actually takes the time to visit with her.  She is the only one I trust with my kids as a babysitter.  If one needs something, the other tries their best to provide it.
During this particular visit, my mom seems down and out.  She hasn't been well lately and a couple of months ago broke her knee which has caused her to not be able to do things she enjoys doing or do for herself too much.  Since January I have went over once a week to help clean and do her laundry to make things easier on her.  This day seemed a bit deeper than just not feeling well so I asked her what was wrong.  She becomes quiet and I thought for the first time in my life, my mom looks old.
She is 68.  But she is so vibrant and goofy and younger looking she could pass easily for her late 40's early 50's.  I've never honestly thought of my mom as a "senior citizen" and she certainly never acted like one.  It occurred to me that I may not have my mom that much longer.  She is at the age when anything can happen to your health if you don't look after it.
Age was exactly what was bothering my mom.  She looked at me and told me she was scared and hurt.  Scared because she is growing older and hurt that her older children don't come see her and rarely call her.  She barely knows her 7 other grandchildren and she doesn't want to die.  I feel saddened for my mom.  I wasn't really sure of what to say regarding my sisters and my brother.  As for her health I told her she is doing all that she can do for it and as long as she does there shouldn't be any problems and most of all...The kids and I were here for her.  I hate seeing my mom upset.  Its a losing empty feeling that I'm sure she feels whenever she sees me down and out. 
My siblings piss me off.  I'm 27 years old.  Our mom was always a good mom to me and they have always said she was a good mom to them growing up.  They dealt with other things than I did.  They saw more shit happen that was before my time because they are much older than I, but that doesn't have anything to do with the type of mother my mom was to them.  If she was a good one to you, why do you have no contact with her?  When I was a kid my sisters and brother were all on their own by the time I was 5. I was an aunt by the time I was 3.  In 15 years, I can recall my mom making an effort to make trips to visit her other children and grandchildren at least a couple of times a year.  All visits were nice and cheery.  Tears would roll when we would leave and words of love you and missing you were always said.  My sisters have never made trips to come visit our mother except if someone died in our area.  My brother lives literally BLOCKS away and never makes an attempt to go see her just to say "hello mom I love you" So I don't understand them.  All I know is in the end...they are going to regret it when our mother is gone and I find it sad that my mom is going to die thinking her other children hate her for reasons unknown.
So with that...I make an effort to be a good daughter to my mom despite her job being done as a mom.  I will always want and need my mom...long after she is gone.  Hopefully she will still be around whenever both of my kids graduate.  I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons along this line.  Mom has been here through everything major they have went through, having babies, grandchildren graduations, marriage of some of them, great grandbabies even.  I want my mom there for all this and for her to see it happen, not call her about it.  They squandered their adulthood with her.  I wonder if they even feel bad about it and what they have possibly told their children about her.  They have a grandmother they barely know that could have brought as much joy in their lives as she does my children.  They could have brought more joy into my mothers.  It angers me.
After consoling her and talking of life I hugged my mom.  I let her know that she means the world to me and although I'm not the rest of my siblings and could never take the place of all of them, that I'm not going anywhere and she is needed in mine and my children's life.  That I wouldn't have it any other way. And that I love her.

Guilt and Mark.

I had posted about some skeletons in my past.  Some of those were admitting I'm not innocent when it comes to sex.  I had made claims before that I didn't sleep around that much before I was with Mark to my friends and family. I regret making those claims.  It makes me to be a liar...something I'm not. A lot of those are just times I don't "count"  as They were very shameful to me so I never spoke of them.  My experience I've learned isn't..terrible.  It doesn't make me a whore.  Just an ignorant child.  In the 12 years Mark and I dated I never cheated on him, he was an amazing lover so I didn't feel the need to like many people I know that have after being with someone for so long.  I also loved Mark unconditionally and could see myself with no other.  I admit we "included" others out of fun and experimenting.  When you are with someone for so long you tend to find new ways of pleasing the other and 3 somes were part of that.  It wasn't something that occurred often and it is definitely something I don't regret. I will continue this in a few...

When we were at our worst,  I found myself thinking of trying to find ways out.  I know that sounds bad.  Honestly, Mark is not a bad man at all.  He was just a man that like myself now, felt like he was drowning.  Instead of finding help or asking for it, he resorted to drinking and keeping within himself so much that we at times wouldn't say a word to the other for weeks. He felt like he had no friends to talk to.  He explained that the thoughts inside of his brain and the moods he would go through were like just flipping through the pages of a very big book. He felt like he had no control so he would just stay to himself in attempts to try to help himself, when all the while, it was just making it worse.  My attempts at conversation would quickly come to an end by glares or silence.  He wouldn't step out of the house.  He ignored our children, not because he didn't love them or want to play with them...but because he felt like he couldn't.  There were times I swear it seemed like he didn't move from the left side of the couch.  He would hide away in our bedroom for hours.  I would try to see what was wrong, cheer him up, suggest going out and doing something or hell even offer sex just to try to make him feel better enough to spend some sort of time with us.  Some days he would just be angry.  Other days I would see him to the point of tears.  Others....he just existed.  It was heart retching to explain to Breanna why daddy didn't want to play or talk to her.  His bi polar was tearing our family apart.
I tried to be understanding and stand by him through the thickness of this situation.  I would beg him to please get help, and medication. (Mark was on medication for a while and suddenly stopped taking it, this made things much worse )After some time however he progressed to taking it out on me through arguments that were petty.  On nights he was drinking I learned to just stay away or else things would get bad.  The arguments we would have rocked our house if I didn't just stay away. Some nights he would take off walking and I feared he would commit suicide or get into a fight on purpose.  I have no idea really what would trigger his mood swings so bad while he was drunk.  One minute he would be fine and the next...well...completely the opposite.  He would be upset or angry and rant about the world and the things that were shitty in it.
There came a point that the only time he talked to me was when he would be venting about these subjects or if he wanted sex.  I felt used for a long time as someone that merely took care of 2 kids and an adult. I felt used for sex.  I felt used period.  And after while....I stayed angry.  I'm not innocent in our problems.  I would come home to a nasty house after spending all day making it fit the day before and go off about it.  I would go off on him being lazy and not doing anything for himself or our children.  I would go off on feeling used.  Anger was slowly turning into hatred.  And I let it show.
Within the time period after Mark when off meds and things were at its worse with him being depressed and angry, we had a few physical fights when he was drinking. The first time wasn't bad.  It hurt my pride more than anything.  I tried to stop him from drinking because he already had enough.  He was obliterated and hostile. I took the beer out of his hand and the next thing I knew he grabbed me and started hitting me.  I made him leave.  He didn't hurt me that much, like I said it was mostly pride and the feeling of utter sadness that someone you love and is supposed to love you back tried to hurt you.  He left for a week to stay with his parents.  After begging and pleading, promises and apologies, I let him come back.  After all, I loved him.  I knew the kind of man he was and also the depression and anguish that was consuming him that was turning him into someone he wasn't.  Before this rut he was in, Mark would never have hurt a fly...let alone someone he loved.  He was a hard worker.  He pulled his weight around the house and showed me unconditional love and caring.  This drunken, depressed and broken man was not the man I loved and I knew that.  So knowing this, we tried again.
Things were ok for a a bit.  He was trying.  He still wasn't getting help so slowly he started sinking again.  He slowly started drinking again.  He slowly started drinking A LOT again.  Things slowly became worse than they ever were.  6 months after the first time he hit me, He did again.  This time in front of our children.  This time he actually tried to hurt me and wasn't holding back.  This time,  I didn't hold back either.  I fought back and honestly hurt him more than he did me.  This time, I put him in jail.  I also filed charges and ordered a DVP.  This time,  Mark had a true wake up call.  

Anger and sadness about the man I loved took over.  I dwelled on things that maybe I did, things maybe I could have changed and for possibly being the cause of his rock bottom.  I became angry at myself for thinking this.  How could he treat me this way?  I've done and sacrificed everything for this man.  How could things get so bad so quickly?  We were together 12 years.  Not all was ever always happy.  We have always had struggles and got through them but never took it out on each other or had anger towards the other.  How did the past year become so terrible? What went wrong?  These questions would eat at me.  I became angry and depressed and for the first time in 12 years, I acted on impulse and slept with another man while Mark was in jail.  I thought maybe revenge. I also wanted to feel wanted for even a moment.  I wanted someone that wasn't him. This man will not be mentioned in my blog,  he is a friend and we did each other a favor. We are still friends and it isn't mentioned.  Although Mark and I were no longer in my eyes when I did this...I feel guilty over it.  I feel like I cheated on him.  6 months have almost went by since that time and I still haven't slept with Mark (we aren't together so I won't...I know it would lead into being a couple again) or anyone else.  I feel dirty.  I feel not good enough to deserve to have the pleasures of the flesh.  I haven't told Mark although many times I have wanted to and come close to it.  Hopefully one day I can get up the gall to do it and I will feel better about him knowing.  This is the first and only thing I have ever kept from him and I don't like it.  Even now and we are only friends, I still tell him everything. He knows about my love for E, something he has never said anything bad about and has even consoled me over.  He likes E and even stated if I was to be with anyone at least he had comfort in mind it was a good guy that treats everyone with respect and caring.  This fact makes me feel like...shit.  It also makes me feel shitty for not admitting I slept with someone since Mark to the ones closest to me including E.  This again..makes me feel like a liar.

Since being out of jail and separated (he lived with his aunt for a couple of months)   Mark has done...wonderfully.  He almost seems like his old self.  He is caring and loving again.  He is working, helping with the house and pulling his weight with the kids (we had a few hiccups like the school attendance thing...but nothing huge)  He is getting out more and starting to make friends and see old ones again.  He has been going to therapy and is on medication that is working splendidly for him.  He is almost the man I loved.  I am very proud of him. I feel guilty despite his efforts as of late,  I still don't want to be with him.  I feel its too soon.  I fear it may go back to the way things once were.  I love him very much...I always will, but I no longer see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with as my husband.  He will always be in my life as a beloved and dear friend as I couldn't see a life without him.  This...again make me feel guilty and shitty.  He feels as though his efforts are for nothing even though it was clearly stated in the beginning on his path to wellness that I would no longer be his wife.  Part of me wants my feelings to change.  I've let him move in again because its easier for the both of us.I would have thought my feelings for him would change with him being back and I would want to be with him again, but they haven't.  I'm not sure if they will.    I would like to see him start dating, but he won't.  I would like to do the same, but I fear breaking him.  It's a no win. 

Earlier in the blog I was speaking of sex, regrets ect.  I have regrets of some of my past experiences and my more recent sexual escapade with my friend.  I don't regret having it, but the situations or feelings involved at the time they happened.  I was either angry, upset and under some sort of influence whether it be alcohol or drugs.  This is...risky.  My actions could have gotten me hurt ( something I should be more wise about considered my childhood abuse) I could have gotten some sort of disease or illness.  Thankfully, that has never happened.  I don't deny being a sexual creature.  I like it, love it.  I please you, you please me kind of person.  I have a very open mind and will try just about anything.  Getting off is fun...and it feels good.  That being said some of my regrets is thinking that if it feels good.....how could it be bad if you and the person you are with at the time are willing?  This kind of thinking would make me think of my rapes.  Why did they do this?  Was it because they liked it and thought it was ok?  Is there something wrong with me now for liking sex even after my horrible experiences?  Did I deserve to be hurt then because of how I am now?   Was it my fault?
These questions still occur. I know I am not at fault for their actions.  I know they are questions of insecurity.  But I ask them anyway.  In more recent days I have found myself not wanting to be this way anymore which is frustrating. I still like it and want it.  But since November I have found shame in it.  I want to, but fear guilt that would come with it. I wonder what people think of me. As stated in another post...I need therapy. 

I have found blogging to be a good therapy for me.  I feel more at ease getting some of this shit out of my brain.  When not on here I take my children and get out of the house.  I hang out with my friends and family.  Mark and I get along fine and do stuff together as well with the kids.  I try to find laughter in my life. Things seem to be slowly...becoming ok.  Time will tell and maybe the current rut I myself have been in will slowly diminish.

I still miss E terribly. I've talked to him a couple of times and he seems to be doing alright.  I am happy to hear he found a job and his first comedy show is coming up very soon this week.  It brings me a bit of joy to hear of him doing well and moving forward to better his life.  I can't wait to hear how his show went.  I'm sure it will go great and he will bring many laughs to many people.  I wish I could be there to see it and support him but since I can't...I will be sitting right here cheering him on from home. 

Breathe.

Today is better.  I got up early and went into work to do some stuff I wasn't able to get done during normal working hours.  I tend to do this often because I don't want to be bothered by customer while trying to get stuff done.  It ends up being less stress in my life and an excuse to also just get out of the house to laugh with my co workers.  I cleaned shelves and talked about inappropriate subjects with Tammy and Anthony.  Twas fun and I love them to bits.  I can honestly say that although Go Mart can be a pain.  I love my job and the people I work with.  I have made good friends while there including E himself and enjoy what I do for the most part.  I'm just now starting to get used to the idea of E never being there when I come in.  When ever I work with someone that doesn't know how to entertain me or is lame I find myself missing him a lot.  We both used to listen to a lot of music or comedy, I still do this..but after a while I turn it off.  My Pandora has a habit now of playing a lot of songs he would listen to..which is weird because before it would only play shit we both didn't like. It amuses me a bit before I become sad.  After I get over it I turn it back on and enjoy it again. I still would like a new place to work, but maybe it will be ok after some time. Its a process. 

I talked to him last night and today.  I feel better knowing he is just being him, not angry with me like I ignorantly thought.  Thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions has always been a bad habit of mine.  I'm working on it.  Needless to say I feel much better. :)  I miss and love him dearly. 

Mark had the idea today that we should take the kids out even though its cold.  We are taking them to Micky D's play place...somewhere I actually hate but the kids love.  Its a win.  I only hate it cause I want to play and I really am too big to.  That sucks.

I'm  breathing.  I'm somewhat healthy.  I'm alive and my children are fine.  Positivity.

Skeletons

This is a list of things I think about in the night that keep me awake.  I try to keep moving forward and not think about them.  But I do anyway.  Most are things I don't talk about even to people close to me.  Hence the title.

When I was nine I was molested and raped by my grandfather on new years eve.  There were 2 twin sized beds in my bedroom at the time so he slept in there.  This is one of the times I wished I would have listened to my mom and wasn't a brat.  She told me to sleep with her that night almost as if she knew.  Instead because I was 9 and excited for my beloved pawpaw to stay the night, I slept in my room only to awaken later in the night with his hands down my pants.  I screamed, he threw a hand over my mouth and continued to do whatever it was he had in mind.  Afterwards I ran into my mother's room sobbing.  I curled up in her bed and the shakes I was having even though I was trying my best to be quiet through my sobs woke her up.  She immediately asked me what was wrong, took one look at me and left the room to confront my grandfather.
She made him leave.  What bothers me the most about this is the fact other than making him leave that night and consoling me...mom never really did anything about it.  After a few months, he came back for visits.  When this would happen I would go stay the night else where.  I never talked to him again the rest of my life.  I am still angry about my mom never really doing anything about what had happened.  If it were me and one of my kids were touched by anyone..no matter who it was....That person would have no legs left after the beating that would be bestrode upon them.  Years later in a drunken state my mom had a breakdown about it.  She admitted she felt terrible about what happened and that she did the same thing her mother did.  I guess I wasn't my grandfathers first victim.  She said she has never forgiven herself for not doing anything and knows that it bothers me.  It still does even though she had the break through...I just don't let her know it does.   

That being told, although I have very close family members...the rest is very dysfunctional.  I stay away from them.  It bothers me some of the stories I have heard of lies, sex, and just back stabbing deceitfulness.  I have always wished for a "normal" family.  One I could honestly rely on that goes further than my mom.

When I was 14 I was raped at a party a friend was throwing.  This was in the beginning stages of teenage sneaky experimental drinking.  My sister didn't know where I was and the party being thrown was at a guys house whose parents were out of town.  My best friend at the time was the only person I knew there and she was so drunk she couldn't speak or see.  I stupidly went off alone...to be alone.  I was drunk myself, insecure and dumb.  A guy I had met earlier saw this...come to talk to me.  He kissed me. I admit to liking it, but my inner gut told me I shouldn't be alone.  I say something about needing to find my friend and he grabs my arm.  Those are enough details.  I went home that night and received being cussed out by my sister for being drunk and late.  I ended up being grounded.  I never told her I was raped.  I never told my mom.

A couple of months later after I got over that night. I started dating for the first time.  I lost my virginity to a guy I was seeing.  My sister found out. I was called a slut.  I thought to myself...maybe I am one because of the few hellish times I went through.  Maybe I am one for enjoying my first round that I gave permission to.( and I did ) I starting sleeping around a lot for someone my age...well at the time it was considered a lot. I'm not sure about today's standards.  By the time I was 15 I had met Mark and I had already slept with 10 guys and 8 chicks.  Some of these bother me because of how they happened and how easy it was to just fuck someone..even someone you didn't know and not care. My morals since then have went up highly and I'm almost prude.

My father was never around until I was an adult.  I remember crying for him as a child and he would never come.  My mom always spoke badly of him.  I now know why.  He had an affair with my oldest sister.  She wasn't his daughter and he didn't raise her and she was of age so I guess in his eyes that was justified.  My mom was pretty broken over it and I can only imagine being her.  My oldest sister is now a crackhead and never comes around...her and my mother never got along.  I can only imagine the things that have been spoken of between them and the hurtful words that were thrown back and forth.  I never knew her..she is much older than I am and honestly was a rape victims baby.  I wonder if that had something to do with my moms relationship with her being not so great.  I also wonder if Vera was innocent when it came to my father.  I also wonder who raped my mother....
Now as an adult my father tries to be in my life...our relationship is..disconnect and more of a business one.  I care about him a lot...he seems to care about me and my kids too.  But we don't have that father daughter relationship.  I am angry at him for never being there and for my mother.  

My mom is a lesbian.  That doesn't bother me in the least.  It bothers her and all she has went through in her entire life.  She is a strong woman..but she has been through hell to be as strong as she is.  For years she was a severe alcoholic.  I can recall many nights she would come home drunk.  Many of them she was in a rage.  Never took it out on me really.  A few times but not many and never physically.  Many nights she would just cry.  Most nights I took care of her.  I felt like an adult for most of my life now.  She is now a recovering one.  She hasn't had a drink in 3 years and I am proud of her.

I was a straight A student that quit school.  Over a boy because he didn't finish either.  There are many things I should have done differently or opportunities I should have taken but didn't because of Mark.  You would have thought I didn't have a mind of my own to make decisions for myself.  If he didn't like something or didn't want to do it or couldn't....I didn't want to either.  I was very stupid.  I was a very good singer and a mediocre piano player.  I was doing competitions and theater.  I loved high school itself because it was a breath of fresh air from grade school.  Mark didn't like people so would never attend.  He couldn't go to school and was always down on himself not going.  So I stopped.  Everything.  For him.  Now a days I feel so insecure with myself I can't even sing in front of him..let alone other people.  Once again.  I was a stupid woman.  I wish I could turn back the clock not so I would not have never had met him...but to tell him I was going to do these things and hopefully he wanted to better himself too.  Mark being mentioned,  we have been through a lot together.  12 years of horrible family problems on his side, financial instability, drugs, alcoholism, brutal arguments and physical fights.  I love him, but I stay angry at him.  This is the reason I don't want to be with him.  I want to do what I can for him to make his life easier because I care.  I feel guilty for things I've said in the past. I feel guilty for sleeping with someone just this past November out of anger while he was in jail for the last fight we had.  I feel guilty for that one a lot although we were split up.  Yea...that happened.  And this is the first time I've spoken of it outside of my best friend.  And...it wasn't who you think it would be....
I would have thought writing about it would make me feel better...it doesn't.

In my earlier school days I was very shy and awkward.  I was very insecure and no one thought of me pretty.  High school wasn't so bad I had found my place a bit better by then...but before hand, man it was a nightmare.  I was picked on a lot. My nickname was Ina Vagina and thanked the heavens when I moved from wayne.  It sucked.  Some relief I had was some students admired how well I could draw or sing and the fact I was at that time considered intelligent.  I did a lot of kids homework for some peace.  I learned to please people early on by doing things for them or offering to help.  This hasn't changed much.  Why I am still like this as an adult...well...I want that answer too.  I am way more opinionated and upfront than I was when I was a kid.  There is no reason to be shy, awkward, insecure and most of all trying to please to be accepted as an adult.  Thats just dumb.  As a mom now and remembering how my school days were...I am exceptionally critical about how Breanna looks when she goes to school.  Her hair is to be well kept, brushed and her clothes clean and of course name brand.  Breanna of course is a pretty little girl...but the thing she has going for her that I didn't...she is already opinionated and out going.  Her school experience is already better than mine was.

My brother has the highest form of Autism. Bad as it sounds...I fear taking care of him when my parents are gone.  Our sisters won't...they have too much on their plates.  Not that I don't love him,  I just know its going to be hard.  I feel guilty that earlier in my life..and sometimes even now I have felt embarrassed of him.  I admire him in a lot of ways...wish I could sometimes see the world through his eyes.  He can also do amazing things that others can't.  Maybe I'm just jealous.  People piss me off whenever I hear the terms "retard"  or "special" towards those with autism.  Autism sucks....and they will never understand those who have it or go through it.  I have had to take up for my brother my entire life...and he is 14 years older than I.

Being poor. I hate being poor.  I have been my whole life.  Nuff said about that. It sucks not being able to do all you can for your children or others you care about to the extent that you want it to be.

Then...I keep awake feeling guilty over loving someone that isn't Mark...and forlorn-ed that the feeling isn't mutual....

This is enough for today...I could go on...but...I don't have the time to write to the level of Great Expectations.  

Rant.

I can't seem to bring myself up from sinking.  I stay so depressed, down and out that being positive or doing simple things seem so hard.  It seems hard to just wake up and do what I have to do in order to be a fit mom or to go into work. This is all due to my own faults.  I take on a lot for people and care too much about EVERYONE.  This needs to stop.  I am now going to vent about it. Hopefully...it helps.

I seem to be a never ending bank to some.  I work at a gas station.  I manage the income I get wisely because of this reason. I make my income taxes last almost until its time for them again.  I pay my bills, care for my family and still get what I want that is within reason.  I am never...broke.  Too many people know this and take advantage of it.  Me being kind and I never want to see someone go without usually gives in.  I have some people come to me frequently needing money till payday, or needing cigarettes, bills are due or just wanting something bought that they can't afford on a regular basis.  It's not just money either..but maybe help doing something..or it may be something I already have that they want. Yet it seems as though if I need something..even just a conversation or to hang out...they are not available or can't do it.  Just recently I put a stop to this...some of these are family and what I thought were good friends and now they want nothing to do with me and are angry.  I am accused of being heartless and selfish.  Selfish?  Really?  Dude..I've been helping you out constantly and now that I can't because its a problem and fear of being broke and not being able to provide for my family..you are mad?  Fuck you.  I am selfish in ways....but it is definitely not with giving or with money.  It saddens me.

Another that leads into the above is people who only call to talk or hang out is when they want something...not particularly from me..but people I know.  I am used for a middle man to get what they want because my friends or family may have whatever it may be what they are looking for. This is draining for a lot of the same reasons.  If I need something, usually just wanting company or to talk to because I thought we were friends,  they are never available. Imagine that. Once again...I put a stop to it..confront it.  And they are angry.  I am once again being accused of being selfish and cold.  I am tired of always being a go to person for any of these people listing now or above.  If you only call me or want to hang out because you want something from me or someone I know.  You suck.  It saddens me because I thought I had a rather big nice circle of friends going on.  And..I don't.  I've done a lot for some of these people..it sucks to be taken advantage of.

 Speaking of family.  Same thing.  I'm a never ending bank it seems like.  I get guilt trips if I can't help out particularly from my mom and dad.  I love them dearly don't get me wrong and they do a lot for me too. But its draining that when you don't have it and already gave money a week prior to get a guilt trip about not having it.  I usually end up giving it yet again and putting myself and my family in a financial bind until the next payday..and this cycle starts again.  I'm not sure how to put not really a stop but just a thing not occurring as often to this one. My parents both do a lot for me that I am grateful for. My mother babysits when she can and my dad takes me pretty much where I need to go most of the time.  I feel bad telling them no...so I don't.  I honestly just don't understand where their money goes...hell they get paid more than I do. : /

At home I feel like a lot of the time I still have 3 children instead of 2.  Mark has been working and doing better with cleaning and pulling his weight with the kids.  But he is angry about not being a "couple"
He becomes childish when he doesn't receive what he wants..usually something expensive.  this is a problem because we each split the bills and the rest of our checks is our own money.  I get paid more than he does so usually he ends up being broke long before I am.if he wants something and doesn't have the money he mopes around until I'm like fuck I don't care...go get it..heres cash.  Money isn't the main issue.  He mopes around about us not being a couple.  He wants sex and cuddling and closeness..I won't give it to him because I don't want it.  I find it pointless if we aren't together and I don't want to be together.  He says he doesn't want to be with someone else so he isn't going to go looking for it elsewhere.  This will cause awkwardness at home.  This will also cause grudges which in leads to snappiness. This is an everyday occurrence.  Its getting old.  I love him..I don't want to be with him.  I don't want to cast him away so I feel stuck,  I feel like I'm being the nice guy by letting him stay here...try to have a life together with our kids. Am I wrong?  Am I being an asshole?  He can come and do what he pleases.  I would like to see him start trying to get ass elsewhere...he can.  He just doesn't.  Am I being the bad guy here?

I'm lonely.  I want closeness.  But I don't want anyone.  Sucks huh.  

My kids..They are little tornadoes that don't listen lately.  I think most of this is me being down and out thinking such.  I'm not sure.  I feel like all I do is clean and yell at them.  This of course isn't true.  I do stuff with them everyday in effort to be a decent mom, have fun and it helps me to get out of my head being out and about busy with playdates or the park. I've been really hard on myself as a mother...always have been.  I feel like a shitty one.  there have been times I've had unhealthy thoughts of suicide and I think of them. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for them and they deserve better.  That maybe if I wasn't around someone would come in and do a better job than I am at raising them.  Then I feel so guilty thinking these things and honestly angry at the mere thought of someone else being a mom to my babies. I know they would be lost without me and no one else could be the mom I am to them.  They are mine.  I can't imagine life without them...I know they can't without me either.  Suicide then seems silly..and stupid.

Work is draining to me.  But that is what jobs do. I work a lot.  I rarely call off and usually go in when needed.  Nothing really there to write about.  Its not a bad place or bad people.  I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Other than actual situations in my life,  I can't seem to get my own demons from eating the inside of my head.  I think a lot on stupid things, worry over stuff I shouldn't that I know is childish or pointless or really has nothing to do with me.  Example.  It really bothers me that my dad gets taken advantage of by crack whores.  Nothing I can do to change it.  But it bothers me immensely.  I wonder how people look on me knowing this.  Sigh.
The demons inside my head are never ending telling me I'm ugly.  I'm stupid.  That I'm unloved and people find me ignorant. They tell me I'm worthless and a child. That the things I have done in my life are terrible and people hate me over them. I'm not good enough. That I should just die.    

The people who matter in my life.  I am sorry.  You have listened to me or read about me whine, bitch and moan so much lately.  In return I have been so stuck within my own head and life that I haven't really taken the time out to listen to you or be there when you have needed me.  You have tired of hearing me be negative and I don't blame you.  Some of you don't even reply back to my texts or phone calls now.  That being said.  I miss E terribly.  I hope he is busy.  I hope I haven't put him off by my whining.  Part of me thinks that is too late and I have. I haven't heard from him much.  :(    I can't even listen to music anymore without tears rolling. My boss at work has even seen this...pathetic.

Side note.  How can one be so childish and broken over something that never was?  We are amazing friends that loved the other...sure.  But it was never any more than that...that was clear.  I feel like I lost a part of me.  I think about it and become even more depressed because I am being selfish,  I am happy for him and wanting to better his life.  I want to see him succeed. So why am I so down on him not being here?  I need to be more happy for my friend and hope more for him and look forward to the future and seeing him again instead. It sucks when you love someone and it hurts. It sucks more when the feelings aren't exactly mutual.  Maybe I know how Mark feels.  : / 

My best friend probably thinks I am dumb.  Mary.  I'm sorry.  One probably thinks I don't want to be around her due to never calling or coming around because...I'm dumb, Juleah.  I'm sorry.  You guys mean the world to me.  I'll be back soon.

I posted on Facebook that I had been struck in the face.  The thing that struck me is this.
Life is just life.  Not everyone is going to love you like you do them.  Not everyone is going to take on what you take on.  Not everyone is understanding about your situations.  Not everyone cares like you do.  Not everything is going to be perfect and most of the time...its not. People are going to come and go in your life and some will remain it for forever.  I have been down for too long.  I have been depressed and its sucking the life and funny right out of me.  I am not enjoyable to be around anymore.
I need to take time out to reflect on it.  Then.  I need to change it. 


 

National Bad Parenting day??

So today I observed many parents just doing....very stupid things with their children. It all started this morning at work when a woman came in with her 2 children. These kids were bouncing off the walls and she was screaming at them. As a parent myself...I usually keep my opinions to myself because bad days happen and you never know the whole story as an outsider, plus...they aren't my kids. I care about all children and want all to be treated well, but also as a parent it just sometimes sucks when someone puts their nose where it doesn't belong when they just don't know the kind of day you are having. Anyway..this woman was screaming at her children to be quiet, to shut up, to stop running to come here blah blah blah. All this screaming she really isn't doing anything else to disciplin them. She grabs a few junk food items and 3 Mt. Dews. Once again. I try not to judge. I've been there on the go and all that has been on hand was crap food to feed your kids. One thing I don't give them is pop. I feel its bad for kids and most places usually have some form of juice on hand, but I could care less what people normally let their kids have or don't have. Its none of my business. This woman is still screaming at her kids then turns around to me calling them filrthy brats and she can't believe how they are acting. All they do is what they want and don't care about her, they don't listen to anything she has to say.
The thing that bothered me was she was complaining so much about her children right there in front of them while not doing anything about their behavior in a public place. Um. Lady. Hello. If your children are THAT hyper, the last thing they need is pop...let alone My Dew. They also don't need sugar..on top of Mt Dew. That probably is part of the reason they are so wiry. Another would be your tactics in parenting and discipline. Lay down the fucking law man. You have to otherwise....yea...you would be bitching and stressed out in public. I felt bad for these kids to have such a childish and cold mom. Its a shame I see it everyday.

Second observation took place at the kids doctor's office. While waiting in the waiting room, this woman comes in with her little boy. She not only looked stoned, but also looked as though she has just gotten back from working with a pimp. Once again. I try not to judge. I don't care what people wear...its an identity and everyone has their own style. Not my place to judge when I dress oddly myself. But this woman had on a skirt that didn't even cover half of her ass. You could clearly see her light blue underwear. Did I mention that she had either one...leaked through while menstrating or two just didn't care or realize she has started her rag? It was plainly...everywhere on herself. Side note. She didn't have to bend over what so ever for others to see this either. I felt bad for her kid. The example set for him is blurred already about women in my eyes. I can't fathom going out in public this way. I'm pretty modest except for some cleavage showing. The lack of morals and self respect in society today scares me.

Last but not least, on the journey home from the doctors I witnessed a couple walking together on the sidewalk beside one of the busiest streets in town....while their toddler (2 MAYBE 3 years old) walking nearly 10 feet behind them. They turn around and yell at him to hurry up.
WTF? Really? What if the kid wondered into the street? What if someone stopped and grabbed him? What if he fell and simply got hurt? Would they have kept walking? How often does this kid get left alone or unattended while at home? Once again. I felt for this child. My kids are ALWAYS by my side when we are out and about. If walking Lucian is always in a stroller while Breanna holds onto the handle. If there is no stroller I have each babies hand. This one..I will judge..highly. If you can't keep your kid around..basically asking for something bad to happen, then you don't need fucking kids. Period.

That is my rant for the day. The rest of my day went normally. Work, doc appointments...life.

I wonder if he misses me. I miss him. A lot :( I still feel broken.

I'm just here

This week has went badly. Monday was a day full of running late being busy and dealing with stupid shit that is uncalled for. I take Breanna to school before work because of a parent teacher meeting specifically asked for me to attend. I don't mind, but usually Mark is the one to go since he is the one that takes her to and from school due to my working hours. They inform me that Breanna is going to school MAYBE twice a week and they were wondering if things were ok at home or if she has an illness they are unaware of. I'm now furious for 2 reasons. One. Mark hasn't been taking her to school. I am at work before she is due to school and get off an hour after she gets home. When I come home it looks as though she went to school, is fully dressed and hyper. Mark has not informed me of most of her absences because...he was too damned lazy to take her. Two. I ask Breanna everyday how school is. She tells me its fine and even tells me about projects. I don't know whether she is now lying to me or if she is just recalling days she HAS went.
This has caused me to now turn into a cunt. The past couple of days I have called to make sure he is up and taking her and picking her up. I feel like I have 3 kids instead of 2. Sigh.

Other than school controversy with Mark ...things have been great with the kids. They tend to get very hyper which can cause me to be stressed. But I deal. Hey...they are kids right? Most of the stuff they do amazes me or I find it hilarious. Win.

Work itself has been routine. I don't enjoy it like I used to since E has moved. I'm just there now. I talk to my co workers and laugh at things with them...but it isn't the same. Mostly I work with our boss, which is cool shes an alright lady. But that being said I'm by myself a lot just getting stuff done that I have to do. I've been offered management, said I would take it, but honestly....I want a new job. I've always been one that if my atmosphere at a work place wasn't enjoyable....I don't stick around too long. Its now at that point.

Speaking of E. I miss him terribly. I've only talked to him online briefly a couple of times or through texts. I can't bring myself to bother him too much or to call him considering the fact I'm a chicken shit and fear of bothering him. I wonder if he misses me too. :(

Weird Dreams.

So earlier today I took a brief nap. During this nap I had a very strange and erotic dream that kind of disturbs me a bit. It goes something like this.

I go to visit a friend of mine. (This friend is really just an acquaintance in waking hours). It started off as a normal visit. We sit, conversate, watch movies and laugh at stupid shit. After a few drink in the dream this friend and I start having sex. Not just normal get to it sex. But highly erotic, everything you could think of AWESOME sex.
During our sexual escapade, Mark is standing outside the front door listening. He then burst in with a tear streaked face and started masturbating while crying uncontrollably. He is screaming at us and while he is doing this he is still being ignored despite his cries and behavior. We continue to fuck until all is done, satisfied and tired. Mark then is as my knees crying, asking why and if everything could be fixed. I tell him no its too late.
All of a sudden during these words being spoken a million cats fill up the house and start scratching us all to death, tearing at our flesh and hissing.

What the fuck? This dream disturbs me in many ways for some reason. One. I'm not a floozy so I just don't fuck whoever. The person in the dream is a friend but not one I have ever looked at in that way. Its a surprise as I usually don't have many erotic dreams...and when I do it usually is someone I am smitten on. Not some random guy in my circle of friends.
Another is Mark's behavior and just his part in the dream in general. I would not do him this way, and it is something that has never crossed my mind is to be so cold toward him. I have thought about going out and getting mine since we are no longer, but I still haven't for the fact of I would feel like a horrible cheating person even if I wasn't technically cheating. Also is just the masturbating in general. Is this guilt in the dream in my part for not fucking him for the past several months? I would think this to be counter productive on the "not a couple" situation. I don't know.
Then the cats is just weird. I love cats. Why were they so violent and the numbers of them many? Just strange.

I need therapy.

Ramblings of nonsense

The past year has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. Between being a working full time mother of 2 and dealing with all the things life has thrown at me, I seem to have become very unstable within my own head. Some days are better than others, but every day seems to be a struggle just to keep my head above water. I'm trying to change this but have just seemed unsuccessful in doing so. I'm trying my hand of writing again ...although badly instead of venting on Facebook... and I know I will not be able to explain things that go on in my brain...But its a shot.
Mark and I are no longer a couple. We are very good friends but with certain current events of the both of us being unhappy, his bi polar and lack of acceptance to help of it, intense arguments and even actual physical fights we both agreed we are just not good for the other.
That being said, we still live together and love the other very much. But it is awkward. We do what we have to do daily like work, care for our children and all other life's errands necessary for survival like normal as if we were still a couple, but there is no "couple" relationship other wise. Neither of us make enough money to be able to live separately with 2 kids. I have found this can be very heart retching and lonely at times. A big part of me loves him and always will. It is hard to say the end of something that lasted so long but yet is still in your face. I'm sure he feels the same way. I can't seem to let go or find my own way. I can't imagine and fear being on my own and I worry what Mark would do with me not here. I feel at a loss at the confusion and cluster fuck of this situation.
Other times I just want to leave. Take my children and run. Of course I wouldn't fathom actual doing so. Mark is a good father and has been trying immensely to make better of things. But I don't feel....free. I'm not ready for any kind of romance or relationship but it would be nice not to worry about the whole "Oh...by the way...my ex husband and I are roommates...I hope that isn't a problem" conversation. Also I find it would be disrespectful. Mark is a good man who doesn't deserve that and who wouldn't be angry to see their other with another person? Its difficult for those who do not live together...I can only imagine the level of emotion and events that could happen while in the same household. Also needless to say after 12 years and only one man in that time and the very very few partners before hand, my experience in dating, sex and over all social flirtatious skills are underdeveloped. (well....sex isn't...but the fear of having it with someone else is there.) There is still a lot of attachment and guilt of doing so in mind. Guilt is a big one. I will get to that later.

My kids are wonderful. Breanna is the normal sassy, beautiful intelligent and creative 6 year old little girl. I envy her outlook and perspective on everything. Her focus on detail is amazing and her logic is mind boggling for someone of her age. Her drawings, made up songs and dances never fail to brighten my day. She is attending pre k and is progressing beautifully. I'm very proud of her.
Lucian is the typical hyper, into everything little boy. His laugh is contagious and smile is winning. His curiosity is never ending. He has to know how everything works, smells, feels and in some reckless embarrassing cases....taste. He at times spends hours fiddling with objects taking them apart and putting them back together. His favorite pass time at the moment is wondering what else he can do to scare the living day lights out of the cat. He is my little man and the joy he and Breanna bring to me....well...I wouldn't be here without it.

Besides relationship confusion at home that keeps me up at night. My brain at times feels wired incorrectly. I will have an amazing day yet still will come home depressed or angry at my life. At times it gets in the way of me being a good mother to my kids (this is something that WILL stop) which rips out my heart when all they want to do is play or for me to read them a book and I don't simply because it seems like an overwhelming task at the time or I let my inner sadness consume and I can't bring myself to actually enjoy it enough to do whatever it is they want me to do. This isn't something I let happen often. But it has...and it eats at me. I feel like a shit mother. All I do is work and deal with the rest life throws at me. I never can seem to find enough time with them and as said..sometimes have not felt like the time spent with them was in their best interest. I worry if I am damaging my children. I worry if I am doing the best I can to shape them into the future adults they will be with the skills needed for life. I worry if they love me.
Why am I low? I don't know. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Beautiful children. A job. All the things I need and most of my wants. I have a lot of regrets that eat at me, a go no where relationship that most of the time I feel should have ended long ago before now, never finishing school ( yea...I am changing that too) I wonder about past events or opportunities I should have taken but didn't due to Mark or being irresponsible. Mark being mentioned, I always felt guilty for enjoying or doing something that could be good for me and my future. He never wanted to do these things so I felt guilty if I wanted to. So. I never did.
I worry too much what people think of me. I have always been one that aimed to please doing anything in my power to help or please someone. Mainly because I really want to help someone and feel good about it. But I admit to also doing things for some in order to feel accepted and appreciated.(this has gotten me into the predicament of being taken advantage of...a lot) I've never felt pretty or thought of myself remotely so. Being over weight now with the face of a bad Velma from Scooby doo has caused serious issues on my self image despite what others have said. I've always been awkward and my humor is odd or dry. I wonder if they think me ignorant as although I don't find myself to be so...I'm definitely not the brightest. My close friends I even wonder this even when I know they don't. I am (obviously) very down on myself and pretty emo...which is annoying. I fear this will if not already cause my friends to not want to be around me which in turn has me worrying about what they think of me again. Its a cycle.

Not all is dark. I have 3 friendships I can not live without. I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. Most recent friendship developed over the past 2 years with a co worker of mine. He is a comedian and has brought a lot of laughter and light into my life. Something I am eternally grateful for. I have gotten into the habit of going to comedy shows as a release from reality even if for a brief moment thanks to him. It has helped me immensely when things are not so happy. He is an amazing and beautiful man both outside and in. Good taste in music, movies....just about anything really. His outlook on life is something I wish I could see from his eyes and his respect for others is something you just don't see any more. Now we are at the guilt part from earlier in the blog.
Although we are just very close, good friends. I have found myself in love with my new found friend. There isn't a day I don't want to see or talk to him. There isn't a long period of time when I don't wonder what he is doing or how he is getting along. I can't imagine him not being in my life. I always wished for more than our friendship but feared losing it. I also felt/feel guilty because of emotional attachment to Mark still. I wondered if it could be and if it would be better. I've wondered if he has felt the same way. All this guilt,wondering, hopes and wishing has kept me awake many many nights.
In recent weeks, my dear friend has moved to Florida (ha...ironically) to pursue a better life and hopefully find his place in a career of comedy. Although I am very happy for him for wanting to better his life and I have very high hopes of his success and future, I suddenly feel very lost. I miss him so much it hurts and find myself in tears knowing I won't see him the next day at work or to hear him laugh or speak of encouragement as well as blunt truths. Of course there is facebook or the phone. But it isn't the same. As silly as it sounds...I feel broken without him here.

This was a very long...very boring....very whinny post. Maybe the next won't be so bad.