I know for certain it is happening...I'm losing my mind. I know it has alot to do with this pregnancy ( which has not treated me kindly already ) along with the fact that I'm unhappy with pretty much everything going on in my life right now. No job, no money, struggling day by day..not being able to pay our bills. The past year has been awful. My moods have been getting worse. I have been distant with Mark and Breanna. I feel annoyed at the slightest things and angry at the most ridiculous. But since I have been pregnant my mood swings have been going from one side of the pendulum to the other within seconds. For example, last night Mark came home. I was already in a bad mood because Breanna just simply wouldn't leave me be. ( It wasn't her fault she is just wanting my attention. I feel like a horrible mother these days because I haven't been giving her the attention she needs and have actually been angry when she wants it. I don't know how to change this and I want to desperately. ) Anyways I was in an awful mood and it seemed as though anything Mark said to me I shot it right back in his face. There have been some things that need to be done and I asked him when he was going to do them and he didn't answer me...I lost it. I started screaming literally at the top of my lungs at him. What I said I can't really remember but I know it wasn't pretty. I started doing dishes and I started bawling. I cried and cried. After about 20 minutes I started dinner and came into the living room to get online for a minute. Mark was playing game cube with Breanna since it is the easiest game system for her. It reminded me of something I found funny on youtube. A video of people singing Nintendo game theme songs A Capella. I showed it to Mark and he told me it was "stupid". Mistake. It went right threw me. I NEVER tell him when I think when something is stupid that he shows me. It was like this beast in me was released. I got up from the computer to get dinner on the plates and served. While in the process I was slamming stuff around. Mark asked what the "fuck" was wrong with me. Mistake again. I had a ketchup bottle in my hand at the time and I chucked it as hard as I could at the wall opposite me in the living room. Ketchup went EVERYWHERE. I have a white couch. It was all over it. On the walls, the floor, some of Breanna's toys. Mark gave me this dumbfounded yet angry look and I lost it again. I started screaming at him again about how he "hurt" my feelings. Between this and me throwing the ketchup, I scared Breanna. She has never seen me act so crazily. She has seen me angry with Mark, but not angry and crazy. She started to cry and went to Mark for comfort. Mark looked at me and said "See what you did? You happy now?" I said I didn't care anymore or something along those lines. Mark got Breanna calmed down and sat her down to eat. He told her to leave me alone while making bad comments about me to her. Mistake again but I didn't throw anything I just yelled. What I don't know. While eating no one said anything. I didn't expect it nor did I want it. I put Breanna to bed with me, read her a story and talked to her in a soothing voice telling her I was sorry. I bawled again. breanna cried with me and hugged me. Once again I feel like a horrible mother and I know that reading to her and cuddling with her and talking with her doesn't make up for what I did. I think we both fell asleep crying. I woke up at around 3 in the morning. Mark is still awake on the computer playing Gild Wars. There is still a nasty cold tension. I think there will be for a couple of days. I feel bad yet again. I break down and smoke a cigarette. I head to bed again waking up on and off in the night.
Today is the same. My mood is bad. I am distant from my daughter but not mean. I want help and I have none. I am going to talk with my doctor Monday during my appointment about this. It can't go on. I need medication I know I do or else I'm afraid of doing something utterly regrettable.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Epica..Memory
Ok so here is one of my top bands Epica...I love Simone I think she is awesome and I'm completely jealous of her. I love opera and I love metal and she and her fellow band members have blended the 2 perfectly. (this was MY dream to do...lol) I also found a new reason to love them. They covered Memory and its beautiful. I'm a lover of all music and appreciate most of everything and Memory is one of my all time favorite songs since I was a wee lass. I want this song played at my funeral. ( in the original version sung by Elaine Paige ) I am posting the video and lyrics for all of you to enjoy...so do so!
lyrics:
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness is
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp
Seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And a street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun...
lyrics:
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness is
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp
Seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And a street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A story....
There once was a young woman who decided to take her precious daughter Breanna on an early morning walk since Breanna decided that 7 am is the perfect time to wake up and see how fine a day it was. The young woman although disgruntled about getting out of bed before 9 am thought a walk would be a good idea. ( or hopefully tire little Breanna out as to hope she would lay down when they got home) So away they went into the rising sun around the block towards a nice little shopping center to look around ( and buy cigarettes for daddy later )
All of a sudden they hear a beautiful bird singing from a telephone pole top ( no tree tops in this story since they hardly exsist on the woman's street) Little Breanna looks up and yells "ohhh pretty bird!!" As if in response, the bird looks down at her, flaps its pretty black wings, and releases it's bowels all over the place barely missing the woman and the child. Little Breanna then screams "EWWWWW you yucky bird!! You poopy and not pretty no more!!!"
This makes the woman laugh hysterically therefore strangers giving her odd stares. It makes her day already and the day really does seem fine one.
The End.
All of a sudden they hear a beautiful bird singing from a telephone pole top ( no tree tops in this story since they hardly exsist on the woman's street) Little Breanna looks up and yells "ohhh pretty bird!!" As if in response, the bird looks down at her, flaps its pretty black wings, and releases it's bowels all over the place barely missing the woman and the child. Little Breanna then screams "EWWWWW you yucky bird!! You poopy and not pretty no more!!!"
This makes the woman laugh hysterically therefore strangers giving her odd stares. It makes her day already and the day really does seem fine one.
The End.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dreams...hmmmm
Well last night I kept having this strange dream that also kept reoccurring as if it did not want me to forget it any time soon. Some very little details are a little fuzzy because the last of the dream is absolute madness but it goes a little something like this...
Mark and I are visiting my sister and her family in Ohio. I guess we are having a family reunion because alot of other people are about and there was plenty of food. Mark is hanging out with the boys and my sister's husband and I am helping with the cooking keeping to myself for some reason. ( maybe because I'm a horrible cook in the dream and would think it would burn if left unattended..who knows..lol) After awhile I go outside to join the others talking and I feel some unspoken tension between my sister and I. ( I lived with her for a time when i was in my early teens, we didn't get along so great and it seemed like the same tension even though these dayswe are extremely close.) I ask her what is wrong if she is angry with me for any reason and she said no if I didn't know what was wrong then I didn't need to be told. This confused me and I told her I was sorry but I don't understand. She just walks away from me without saying a word. I'm upset and her husband comes up to me and apologizes for her behavior not to take it to heart. He looks at me teary eyed and tells me I need to know whats wrong. I ask what it is and he says that my sister had been diagnosed with dementia and sometimes time is confusing to her. I start to cry and then suddenly the dream changes. I am now in my own home alone cleaning up ( haha even in dreams what else is new right?) In this part of the dream I seem troubled and am running around frantically as if I was looking for something misplaced and need to find it right then. All of a sudden I am hearing this voice telling me to do things ( This I can't remember what it was telling me but I guess I don't like it) I look outside and it is this entity in the sky telling me to do the things. I tell it no that I don't want to its not right ( damn I wish I could remember what it was trying to tell me) the entity becomes angry and growls at me. It was beautiful outside but then all of a sudden the sky is filled with hellish storm clouds. Rain starts to pour, lightning flashes and the entity growls at me again telling me I have to do as it says. I tell it no once again. Now the clouds in the sky start forming a funnel. The tornado comes right through my window breaking it and trying to grab me.
At this point I wake up. I have a deathly fear of storms of this sort so an entity trying to get me to do something picked a right choice to frighten me. I hate tornadoes and hurricanes. It just freaks me out more than anything because these monsters are real and can cause so much damage and death. "sigh" I wish I could understand this dream. It has me puzzled for 2 reasons. What the dream was about and the fact I dreamt it 4 times in one night. Any opinions anyone who may run into my page???
Anyways I guess this concludes my post for today. until next time floks.
Mark and I are visiting my sister and her family in Ohio. I guess we are having a family reunion because alot of other people are about and there was plenty of food. Mark is hanging out with the boys and my sister's husband and I am helping with the cooking keeping to myself for some reason. ( maybe because I'm a horrible cook in the dream and would think it would burn if left unattended..who knows..lol) After awhile I go outside to join the others talking and I feel some unspoken tension between my sister and I. ( I lived with her for a time when i was in my early teens, we didn't get along so great and it seemed like the same tension even though these dayswe are extremely close.) I ask her what is wrong if she is angry with me for any reason and she said no if I didn't know what was wrong then I didn't need to be told. This confused me and I told her I was sorry but I don't understand. She just walks away from me without saying a word. I'm upset and her husband comes up to me and apologizes for her behavior not to take it to heart. He looks at me teary eyed and tells me I need to know whats wrong. I ask what it is and he says that my sister had been diagnosed with dementia and sometimes time is confusing to her. I start to cry and then suddenly the dream changes. I am now in my own home alone cleaning up ( haha even in dreams what else is new right?) In this part of the dream I seem troubled and am running around frantically as if I was looking for something misplaced and need to find it right then. All of a sudden I am hearing this voice telling me to do things ( This I can't remember what it was telling me but I guess I don't like it) I look outside and it is this entity in the sky telling me to do the things. I tell it no that I don't want to its not right ( damn I wish I could remember what it was trying to tell me) the entity becomes angry and growls at me. It was beautiful outside but then all of a sudden the sky is filled with hellish storm clouds. Rain starts to pour, lightning flashes and the entity growls at me again telling me I have to do as it says. I tell it no once again. Now the clouds in the sky start forming a funnel. The tornado comes right through my window breaking it and trying to grab me.
At this point I wake up. I have a deathly fear of storms of this sort so an entity trying to get me to do something picked a right choice to frighten me. I hate tornadoes and hurricanes. It just freaks me out more than anything because these monsters are real and can cause so much damage and death. "sigh" I wish I could understand this dream. It has me puzzled for 2 reasons. What the dream was about and the fact I dreamt it 4 times in one night. Any opinions anyone who may run into my page???
Anyways I guess this concludes my post for today. until next time floks.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Some shit different day...
All the same is here in my little world. It is blissfully dull I must say. I enjoy being a mom no doubt but I am tired of never doing anything or going anywhere. It really starts to make a person question their sanity at some points. I enjoy everyday with my daughter. She makes most of my dull days interesting at least a few times a day. Everyday is something new with her and I love it. Being pregnant and having complications already though has taken its toll on my pride. I hate not being able to do things I love to do. I feel Breanna is getting the short end of the stick as well because of it. I am on strict instructions not to lift above 10 pounds or doing anything for long periods of time with plenty of rest in between. Because of this, I am trying not to pick her up too much which saddens me when all she wants is to be held. At these times I taken to sitting with her on the couch and doing what we do best. Watching movies or reading. But I still feel like she isn't getting the attention she deserves with doing the things we normally do like long walks during the day or me running around the house chasing her and her laughing...sigh..I hope I'm not on bed rest for forever.
In other news. I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. It went well. The doctor said I'm fine and the baby is fine. She is checking my hormone levels again because I guess they were a tid bit low according to the ER records and then comparing them to my previous levels they did in the office. She was looking through the test from the ER visit and asking me questions about the bleeding and what has happened since then, she seems to think that because of my bicornuate uterus I could have possibly been carrying twins and lost one.
By the way here is a site to rad up on bicornuate uterus if you want to educate yourself..lol
This is unfortunate but maybe for the best. This will be my last pregnancy anyways cause I really never wanted anymore than 2 kids and if something may have been wrong then I look at it as for the best. I'm not sure if this is what happened or not but either way hopefully all comes out well from now on. Also according to what my doctor said this would be the reason for the few miscarriages I have had and in the long run it will cause me problems. She said alot of women go through life with this with no problems what so ever while others may have to have hysterectomies at early ages. "Sigh" my body sucks. Anyways I can't have sex for a month. Which sucks but it ok. Mark understand and want what is best for me and the baby. I have to give him his kudos because he has been so awesome during all this. I'm definally going to have to find a way to make it up to him. I'm sure I can find a way. ( snickers)
I guess this concludes my blog for today or whenever. Hopefully I'll run into some intersting news I can complain or belittle.
In other news. I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. It went well. The doctor said I'm fine and the baby is fine. She is checking my hormone levels again because I guess they were a tid bit low according to the ER records and then comparing them to my previous levels they did in the office. She was looking through the test from the ER visit and asking me questions about the bleeding and what has happened since then, she seems to think that because of my bicornuate uterus I could have possibly been carrying twins and lost one.
By the way here is a site to rad up on bicornuate uterus if you want to educate yourself..lol
This is unfortunate but maybe for the best. This will be my last pregnancy anyways cause I really never wanted anymore than 2 kids and if something may have been wrong then I look at it as for the best. I'm not sure if this is what happened or not but either way hopefully all comes out well from now on. Also according to what my doctor said this would be the reason for the few miscarriages I have had and in the long run it will cause me problems. She said alot of women go through life with this with no problems what so ever while others may have to have hysterectomies at early ages. "Sigh" my body sucks. Anyways I can't have sex for a month. Which sucks but it ok. Mark understand and want what is best for me and the baby. I have to give him his kudos because he has been so awesome during all this. I'm definally going to have to find a way to make it up to him. I'm sure I can find a way. ( snickers)
I guess this concludes my blog for today or whenever. Hopefully I'll run into some intersting news I can complain or belittle.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentines Day
Well today went extremely normal for the most part. I have still been taking it easy until Monday when I go to the doctor again to see how things are going with the baby. Breanna and I pretty much lounged around all day doing what we normally do. Pretty basic. Her playing with her toys and watching her favorite videos, me playing on the computer or sitting and watching videos with her. Later in the day we took a really late nap which is a bad thing but whatever. Just means Breanna will be up all night go to sleep and go to bed early tomorrow cause she will not need a nap. This again I am used to and it is a regular thing. I don't mind most nights. Mark had to work today. I swear it seems as though one of us the whole 8 years we have been together always had to work holidays. Kinda sucks but we are used to it. We also had no money to celebrate Valentines day but then again its bot a big deal. As long as we are together and say I love you's its considered a good one to me. Mark however surprised me today. I had asked before he left for work if he could he should bring home some pizza from work and stop by the store to get something to drink. When he came home he had everything I had asked for. He told me to check the pizza to make sure he had the toppings I wanted. When I opened it he had cut the pizza (thin crust with pepperoni) into a heart With pineapple he wrote I love you. It was extremely sweet and yet so simple and it cost nothing for him to do. It made my day and it will be a valentines day I wont forget. I loved it. Tomorrow my landlord is supposed to finally put carpet in my house. Upside of this would be well new carpet and the old dirty ass carpet will be gone. Downside would be the fact my house isn't up to par and things are in the way. Between Mark working and me being out of commission because of pregnancy complications we haven't been able to do what we need to do. Hopefully we can suggest to do this next weekend and he won't be mad. Anyways I guess this concludes my post for this evening. Have a good one peoples.
EDIT: Mark also gave my cat a bath last night...it WAS the perfect Valentines day!!!
EDIT: Mark also gave my cat a bath last night...it WAS the perfect Valentines day!!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The woes of pregnancy
Ok so yesterday was one of the worst days ever. But its alright now thank god man.
Yesterday morning I woke up with Breanna to do my daily routine which includes emptying my bladder when first waking up. When I went to pee I noticed I had some weird goowey brown stuff coming out of my no no area. I started to worry a bit so I called my OBGYN to let them know what was going on. They basically told me to take it easy and gave me instructions which was more or less bed rest. I did the best I could with hardly doing anything which is a challenge when you already have a toddler running around but for the most part except checking on Breanna and making her food I sat on my ass all day. Later on Breanna and i took a late nap waking up at around 9.30 pm. I go to relieve myself yet again and this time I'm bleeding. Not spotting but straight up bleeding profusely. I'm panicked. I'm afraid of miscarrying since I have before and the fact I was alone at home. I call Mark at work crying telling him to please come home. He is home within a few minutes. In the mean time Mark's uncle Johnny and his girl Jen came over to sit with me. They happened to knock on the door at the right time cause I was in hysterics. Breanna probably thought mommy was insane. Anyhoo. Jen takes Mark and I to the emergency room while Breanna went to stay the night with Mark's brother. During this visit to the hospital my poor vagina got insulted something terrible. I had blood drawn. a pap smear and an internal ultrasound which neither is a pick nick let me tell you. I'm worried and in pain but the bleeding had slowed down alot and was beginning to stop. Come to find out the baby is ok. Everything seemed in order with the pap smear and the ulrasound. No weird fluids were seen and the baby was healthy with a heart rate of 174. My cervix was closed and there didn't seem to be any previous openings to cause the bleeding. All they could really tell me was I had a "threatened miscarriage" which is what they call any bleeding during pregnancy. I asked the doctor since the baby was fine what could cause it and she said there was really no way of telling exactly what but she gave me some ideas as to why. One of them being sex. Sometimes when the uterus during pregnancy is swelling and there is movement sometimes during sex you can hit a blood vessel, or I had basically a small period meaning there was stuff left over that needed to come out which I suppose is actually a good thing. SO in the end the baby is fine. I am put on bed rest until I see my doctor and get further instructions. No sex no nothing. I'm extremely sore today and am hoping for the best. So for your viewing pleasure I have pictures of my first ultrasound showing I am 8 weeks and 2 days along. Oh and I think I am going to call it munchkin until I find out the sex...Breanna was thrilled to see the gummibear size picture of her little brother or sister. YAY!
Yesterday morning I woke up with Breanna to do my daily routine which includes emptying my bladder when first waking up. When I went to pee I noticed I had some weird goowey brown stuff coming out of my no no area. I started to worry a bit so I called my OBGYN to let them know what was going on. They basically told me to take it easy and gave me instructions which was more or less bed rest. I did the best I could with hardly doing anything which is a challenge when you already have a toddler running around but for the most part except checking on Breanna and making her food I sat on my ass all day. Later on Breanna and i took a late nap waking up at around 9.30 pm. I go to relieve myself yet again and this time I'm bleeding. Not spotting but straight up bleeding profusely. I'm panicked. I'm afraid of miscarrying since I have before and the fact I was alone at home. I call Mark at work crying telling him to please come home. He is home within a few minutes. In the mean time Mark's uncle Johnny and his girl Jen came over to sit with me. They happened to knock on the door at the right time cause I was in hysterics. Breanna probably thought mommy was insane. Anyhoo. Jen takes Mark and I to the emergency room while Breanna went to stay the night with Mark's brother. During this visit to the hospital my poor vagina got insulted something terrible. I had blood drawn. a pap smear and an internal ultrasound which neither is a pick nick let me tell you. I'm worried and in pain but the bleeding had slowed down alot and was beginning to stop. Come to find out the baby is ok. Everything seemed in order with the pap smear and the ulrasound. No weird fluids were seen and the baby was healthy with a heart rate of 174. My cervix was closed and there didn't seem to be any previous openings to cause the bleeding. All they could really tell me was I had a "threatened miscarriage" which is what they call any bleeding during pregnancy. I asked the doctor since the baby was fine what could cause it and she said there was really no way of telling exactly what but she gave me some ideas as to why. One of them being sex. Sometimes when the uterus during pregnancy is swelling and there is movement sometimes during sex you can hit a blood vessel, or I had basically a small period meaning there was stuff left over that needed to come out which I suppose is actually a good thing. SO in the end the baby is fine. I am put on bed rest until I see my doctor and get further instructions. No sex no nothing. I'm extremely sore today and am hoping for the best. So for your viewing pleasure I have pictures of my first ultrasound showing I am 8 weeks and 2 days along. Oh and I think I am going to call it munchkin until I find out the sex...Breanna was thrilled to see the gummibear size picture of her little brother or sister. YAY!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
facebook thingy
Here is a thing I did on facebook...since I really have nothing to say I'm just going to post this...enjoy peoples.
1.First and fore most, I am a mother of a beautiful little girl. To me life no longer has any meaning if she is not in it. She is the light of my life and I love her with everything that is in me. She brings emotions i didn't even know existed until she was born. She can make me laugh and cry within the same instant. Yes she is awesome. :)
2.I am currently expecting my second child..this time hopefully a boy but I'll be happy either way. After this one I am done. I only want 2 kids and I am getting what I want so that satisfies me. I respect people with large families since I am from one but it is not for me personally.
3. I love my other half Mark. We have been together for 8 years, since we were children and things still seem to be going great. He is an excellent father and does what he can for his family and to me its more than I can ask for.
4. I'm quite odd...or so I've been told. I would prefer to be odd anyway since it makes me well me.
5. I am addicted to pepsi...with being pregnant I had to switch to decaf and even then I can't drink what my normal amount is...damn.
6. I smoke..currently cutting down and soon try to quit completely. Its hard and it sucks. Hopefully when I quit I wont pick it back up again.
7.I am a huge kid myself. I enjoy sitting with Breanna and watching disney movies with her or playing childish games. It reminds me of my own childhood and how much I have missed it.
8. I sing. Been told I am talented. I am modest however and think these people have something wedged in their frontal lobe. Thanks for the complements though. :)
9. I love any kind of music for the most part. Anything from old school musicals to extremely heavy metal. Music is a huge part of my life and has gotten me through some of the hardest times.
10. I prefer weird movies, bands and art that no one has heard of. I feel most of these have more depth and structure than those who sell out. You can see more where the artist is coming from and who they are.
11. I have many scars. I could name them all but I wouldn't want to make people vomit. The last I counted I have 15 on my lower left leg alone and 4 on the upper part of my thigh. I was lucky enough to get these from being struck by a car when I was 7. The accident caused my leg to shatter in 3 places. Over the next few years until I was in middle school i had to have many surgeries to fix it. Sometimes I feel like part of my childhood was stolen because of this but then I think back and say to myself it wasn't so bad.
12. In my earlier school days I was extremely shy and quite awkward. These traits got the best of me for a long time and I had a hard time communicating with kids my age. I was often referred to as weird, strange and among other names. It hurt a lot but in the end I began to learn these people are a waste of my energy and time. In high school my shyness left me completely and my awkwardness was rewarded as individuality. High school was grand and I had many friends whom I still am with contact today.
13. My self esteem used to suck. I used to think I was unattractive and actually purposely used to make myself so. I am out of that shell as an adult for the most part (except for wishing for some weight loss...lol) But these days I know I can be pretty and try to look my best for myself instead of others.
14. I am a dreamer. I have many wishes and things I want to accomplish. The only problem is is that I have no drive to do them. Go figure.
15. I can be highly sarcastic and even rude at times but only to those who are inconsiderate themselves. Otherwise I am generally a nice person but do not walk on me these days I am not one to cross. If I am sarcastic any other time its usually out of playfulness or being funny.
16. I am known for holding a grudge for long periods of time. I hardly forget anything someone has said or done to me that was offensive. Don;t get me wrong I can take criticism fine and have the friendly argument about politics or whatever non sense. I am talking about something done to me or said to me personally that was uncalled for and undeserved.
17. I am extremely laid back. I am a huge homebody and enjoy simple pleasures like watching a sunset, finding beauty in things people usually over look. I love to read books and lounge in my favorite pj's or sit and watch a movie.
18.I love any type of art. But I think most of all I love to draw or take pictures. Sometimes the most beautiful things can come from a pencil or you can find beauty behind a camara you didn't think was there when first seeing.
19. I dance when no one is looking...mainly because its usually with my daughter and the fact I am horrible at it.
20. Even though I have kids of my own..I am really not fond of anyone Else's unless it is someone I am close to. Other peoples kids otherwise make me want to rip my hair out.
21. My favorite food is anything Italian. Nuff said.
22. I spend to much time doing stuff that is worthless..like these facts about myself for instance.
23.I love my friends and family and would do anything for them...all they have to do is ask and I'll do it if its within my power and reason.
24. I am a non believer in a lot of things. I think marriage is pointless because I feel i don't need a peice of paper to tell someone I love them. I also don't see why you would spend a crap load of money in one day for this reason. I also don't claim any type of religion. I have my own belief system and my idea of god I believe very strongly in. I like to learn from all religions therefore having a very open mind to all of them and in fact adding to my own belief system if something makes sense to me. I also feel this way about politics. I do not claim any side but I will vote for whom I think will most likely benefit our country no matter what party they belong to. I find all of these things and many more however separate mankind...some people need to listen to the song Imagine by Lennon or the remake by a perfect circle to know what I mean. But I do not judge...whatever float your boat..if you get married I'm happy for the couple..if your a certain type of religion I'm happy you believe in something strongly and have faith..most people don't...if your democrat or republican..well...ummm....I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest since I don't understand why we have to have separate parties in the first place.
25. I am already starting to go gray..I'm highly upset about this :)
1.First and fore most, I am a mother of a beautiful little girl. To me life no longer has any meaning if she is not in it. She is the light of my life and I love her with everything that is in me. She brings emotions i didn't even know existed until she was born. She can make me laugh and cry within the same instant. Yes she is awesome. :)
2.I am currently expecting my second child..this time hopefully a boy but I'll be happy either way. After this one I am done. I only want 2 kids and I am getting what I want so that satisfies me. I respect people with large families since I am from one but it is not for me personally.
3. I love my other half Mark. We have been together for 8 years, since we were children and things still seem to be going great. He is an excellent father and does what he can for his family and to me its more than I can ask for.
4. I'm quite odd...or so I've been told. I would prefer to be odd anyway since it makes me well me.
5. I am addicted to pepsi...with being pregnant I had to switch to decaf and even then I can't drink what my normal amount is...damn.
6. I smoke..currently cutting down and soon try to quit completely. Its hard and it sucks. Hopefully when I quit I wont pick it back up again.
7.I am a huge kid myself. I enjoy sitting with Breanna and watching disney movies with her or playing childish games. It reminds me of my own childhood and how much I have missed it.
8. I sing. Been told I am talented. I am modest however and think these people have something wedged in their frontal lobe. Thanks for the complements though. :)
9. I love any kind of music for the most part. Anything from old school musicals to extremely heavy metal. Music is a huge part of my life and has gotten me through some of the hardest times.
10. I prefer weird movies, bands and art that no one has heard of. I feel most of these have more depth and structure than those who sell out. You can see more where the artist is coming from and who they are.
11. I have many scars. I could name them all but I wouldn't want to make people vomit. The last I counted I have 15 on my lower left leg alone and 4 on the upper part of my thigh. I was lucky enough to get these from being struck by a car when I was 7. The accident caused my leg to shatter in 3 places. Over the next few years until I was in middle school i had to have many surgeries to fix it. Sometimes I feel like part of my childhood was stolen because of this but then I think back and say to myself it wasn't so bad.
12. In my earlier school days I was extremely shy and quite awkward. These traits got the best of me for a long time and I had a hard time communicating with kids my age. I was often referred to as weird, strange and among other names. It hurt a lot but in the end I began to learn these people are a waste of my energy and time. In high school my shyness left me completely and my awkwardness was rewarded as individuality. High school was grand and I had many friends whom I still am with contact today.
13. My self esteem used to suck. I used to think I was unattractive and actually purposely used to make myself so. I am out of that shell as an adult for the most part (except for wishing for some weight loss...lol) But these days I know I can be pretty and try to look my best for myself instead of others.
14. I am a dreamer. I have many wishes and things I want to accomplish. The only problem is is that I have no drive to do them. Go figure.
15. I can be highly sarcastic and even rude at times but only to those who are inconsiderate themselves. Otherwise I am generally a nice person but do not walk on me these days I am not one to cross. If I am sarcastic any other time its usually out of playfulness or being funny.
16. I am known for holding a grudge for long periods of time. I hardly forget anything someone has said or done to me that was offensive. Don;t get me wrong I can take criticism fine and have the friendly argument about politics or whatever non sense. I am talking about something done to me or said to me personally that was uncalled for and undeserved.
17. I am extremely laid back. I am a huge homebody and enjoy simple pleasures like watching a sunset, finding beauty in things people usually over look. I love to read books and lounge in my favorite pj's or sit and watch a movie.
18.I love any type of art. But I think most of all I love to draw or take pictures. Sometimes the most beautiful things can come from a pencil or you can find beauty behind a camara you didn't think was there when first seeing.
19. I dance when no one is looking...mainly because its usually with my daughter and the fact I am horrible at it.
20. Even though I have kids of my own..I am really not fond of anyone Else's unless it is someone I am close to. Other peoples kids otherwise make me want to rip my hair out.
21. My favorite food is anything Italian. Nuff said.
22. I spend to much time doing stuff that is worthless..like these facts about myself for instance.
23.I love my friends and family and would do anything for them...all they have to do is ask and I'll do it if its within my power and reason.
24. I am a non believer in a lot of things. I think marriage is pointless because I feel i don't need a peice of paper to tell someone I love them. I also don't see why you would spend a crap load of money in one day for this reason. I also don't claim any type of religion. I have my own belief system and my idea of god I believe very strongly in. I like to learn from all religions therefore having a very open mind to all of them and in fact adding to my own belief system if something makes sense to me. I also feel this way about politics. I do not claim any side but I will vote for whom I think will most likely benefit our country no matter what party they belong to. I find all of these things and many more however separate mankind...some people need to listen to the song Imagine by Lennon or the remake by a perfect circle to know what I mean. But I do not judge...whatever float your boat..if you get married I'm happy for the couple..if your a certain type of religion I'm happy you believe in something strongly and have faith..most people don't...if your democrat or republican..well...ummm....I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest since I don't understand why we have to have separate parties in the first place.
25. I am already starting to go gray..I'm highly upset about this :)
Friday, February 6, 2009
Something special...
I love my daughter more than anything...she is rotten to the core but that is what I love about her. She has the best personality of anyone I know and I know she is going to grow up the best that she is capable of.
Anyways it is picture time!...enjoy.
Me and my baby doll before going to my OB appointment.
Breanna's say "cheese" face...lol
awwww so prettiful. :)
Mark and Breanna. She thinks daddy will love her funny face....and he does.
Breanna's funny face...lol
Hi momma!...Breanna playing with the blankets.
This one is one fine morning Breanna decides to be Mark's alarm clock...he was none too pleased.
Anyways it is picture time!...enjoy.
Me and my baby doll before going to my OB appointment.
Breanna's say "cheese" face...lol
awwww so prettiful. :)
Mark and Breanna. She thinks daddy will love her funny face....and he does.
Breanna's funny face...lol
Hi momma!...Breanna playing with the blankets.
This one is one fine morning Breanna decides to be Mark's alarm clock...he was none too pleased.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Race...interesting
Ok so I was reading some blogs from good ole myspace when I ran into one that was quite interesting....I've had the same feelings about this topic but this guy took the words out of my mouth with this story...enjoy.
Ethnic labels on people are so moronic and trite.
"I'm Italian American" or "I'm Irish, kiss me!"
Who cares?
If you are here, and you legally have the right to be here, then you're an American. Stop trying to be something else, the rest of the world pretty much blows so be happy.
I once heard a great story about this subject matter a few years ago from a friend of mine who worked at the local welfare office. Some dude came in sometime around early 2002, looking for public assistance. He was a college graduate, had a master's degree in engineering if memory serves yet couldn't find a job to save his life. His main problem… his first name was "Osama" and was a dead ringer in the face for "Mohamed Atta."
Turns out that not surprisingly, nobody wanted to hire this asshole because he looked like a terrorist and had the same first name as the motherfucker who orchestrated 9/11. He had all the credentials in the world to find a job, but people were afraid he was sleeper cell material. Remember, this was only months after 9/11 so people were extremely paranoid.
Well, this Osama guy also had a wife and two small kids. His spouse, too, owned a four-year college degree but he refused to let her work because that would obviously make a lot of sense. In this man's mind, his wife's job was sitting at home raising kids not earning real money. For her, having a college degree was as useless as a bullfrog having one. That's how those dudes get down. Women are for babies, men are for pleasure!
Anyway, my friend was making "Osama" fill out a bunch of forms in order for him to get food stamps when my buddy noticed under "race," big "O" put "African American."
My friend, who was black, was dumbfounded and assumed the guy was in error.
"You put down you're African American," my compadre quipped sitting across a desk from "Captain Jihad."
"Yes," Osama shouted back. "I'm from ....Egypt..... ....Egypt.... is in ..Africa... That makes me an African American!"
By golly, the man was right. ....Egypt.... is in ..Africa... Indeed, he was more "African American" than most blacks in this country because he was actually born in the "Dark Continent."
But if you were to look at the guy, the last thing you would think was "African American."
The dude was trying to get an advantage by claiming to be such in order to make things easier for himself. With affirmative action, "African Americans" get some breaks that other may not receive. I'm not going to debate whether or not that's right or wrong, but it is, what it is. But it made me think of something…
Why not claim if you are Caucasian, that you're "African American" on a job application? Who's to say you don't have "South African" heritage or "Zimbabwean" and such? People have a misconception that African is all black folks with a few Arabs mixed in. There are quite a few whities there, especially in the southern part of the continent.
So who's to stop you from doing that? Nobody's going to do a Genealogy background check to see if you truly have family in "....Madagascar....." Hey, it's worth a shot if you need a job bad enough!
Just don't go out and make a demo-tape after you get the job!
(Just kidding)
Ok now that your through reading his story...his name is Dan by the way... It think this is a sad sad fact. Most people judge others by the color of their skin therefore thinking they know where this individual or where their families come from....It is true that when we see someone that has darker skin tones or certain features in general that we think we know everything about them where they come from and sometimes we even think we known them as a person or how they live their lifestyles...its a sad fact and as Americans it makes it worse that we make these assumptions considering we are supposed to be the land of the free blah blah blah..People really need to stop judging other and get in the program of things....jeez.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
WII fit and ignorance
Ok..so i was browsing yahoo featured news when i ran across one that is just idiotic.
http://videogames.yahoo.com/feature/the-truth-about-wii-fit-and-weight-loss/1284826
I always said the idea was ingenious compared to the other game systems out there..and IT IS..people are buying these babies like mad since they came out and they still are...its not that expensive and is fun to play..it also does one thing that the other games don't..they get you off your ass. Obviously there are some jealous peoples out there...for more than one reason. The playstation 3 cost around 6oo bucks when it first came out and sony complained about how they are actually losing out buy selling it since each system cost them more than a grand to built. Xbox is just as expensive and microsoft breaks about even with still little profit..were as nintendo is actually making a profit of 8 bucks a system that is sold..its genious cause it proves people do not need all the fancy crap to be content..they can spend a little and get a load of fun out of it and the company gets kudos and profits.
it just seems as though companies are wanting to find something wrong with nintendo..for a while nintendo has been on the back burner and for a change since trhe 90's they are almost back on top.
( people still buy the other systems no matter how retarded and broke they become...may i add that the PS3 has had problems breaking down significantly after the warranty is up?...guess what sony charges 150 to look at the system and to fix minor problems and charge more to fix bigger ones..i swear there is something fishy about it..significantly they are losing out but then all of a sudden the systems break down..may i add it does the same thing?..the blue ray goes out on it OR the system wont come on at all or blinks..everyone i know has had to send their system back after a year...bastards)
i guess what i'm getting at here is it is not nintendo's fault if people spend there money on the Wii and not use it for the fitness purpose like the news article stipulates...it is the owner that had bought it and it is a waste...but to say that hardly anyone uses it is pushing it...i know plently of people use it and have read other reviews and articles stating the Wii is well used all over...it seems to me that they really cant find much wrong so they blame the company instead of the user of the system....this is so childish to me and a low way to try and make other companies feel surperior...people suck.
http://videogames.yahoo.com/feature/the-truth-about-wii-fit-and-weight-loss/1284826
I always said the idea was ingenious compared to the other game systems out there..and IT IS..people are buying these babies like mad since they came out and they still are...its not that expensive and is fun to play..it also does one thing that the other games don't..they get you off your ass. Obviously there are some jealous peoples out there...for more than one reason. The playstation 3 cost around 6oo bucks when it first came out and sony complained about how they are actually losing out buy selling it since each system cost them more than a grand to built. Xbox is just as expensive and microsoft breaks about even with still little profit..were as nintendo is actually making a profit of 8 bucks a system that is sold..its genious cause it proves people do not need all the fancy crap to be content..they can spend a little and get a load of fun out of it and the company gets kudos and profits.
it just seems as though companies are wanting to find something wrong with nintendo..for a while nintendo has been on the back burner and for a change since trhe 90's they are almost back on top.
( people still buy the other systems no matter how retarded and broke they become...may i add that the PS3 has had problems breaking down significantly after the warranty is up?...guess what sony charges 150 to look at the system and to fix minor problems and charge more to fix bigger ones..i swear there is something fishy about it..significantly they are losing out but then all of a sudden the systems break down..may i add it does the same thing?..the blue ray goes out on it OR the system wont come on at all or blinks..everyone i know has had to send their system back after a year...bastards)
i guess what i'm getting at here is it is not nintendo's fault if people spend there money on the Wii and not use it for the fitness purpose like the news article stipulates...it is the owner that had bought it and it is a waste...but to say that hardly anyone uses it is pushing it...i know plently of people use it and have read other reviews and articles stating the Wii is well used all over...it seems to me that they really cant find much wrong so they blame the company instead of the user of the system....this is so childish to me and a low way to try and make other companies feel surperior...people suck.
oh sweet laziness
for the past 3 days and some odd hours i have sat on my ass no joke with the exception of you know taking care of breanna, making dinner, washing dishes, doing some laundry, and picking up the daily run of toys so none of us break our necks...yes i consider this laziness cause it isn't half of what i do on a normal basis....But never fear i have good reason for becoming a sloth..one word TIRED...and for your benefit or for annoyance...PREGNANCY. I have felt like my food is going to force its way back up my throat and out my mouth no matter how much i don't want it to..but instead i just keep the feeling..i have not ben vomitting..just feeling like i am going to...sometimes i wish it would just come up and be over with...i feel likei have no energy for anything at the moment...*sigh*...im looking forward to have another baby but the process kinda sucks at first ( cant wait for that lovely second trimester when all is wonderful..no morning sickness..nice starting of a belly..feeling pretty...come on and hurry up!!)
ok in other news despite my whinning..breanna is doing well..im trying to makeher comprehend the fact of a baby in momma's belly and that she is going to be a big sister of this baby...she seems thrilled but doesnt understand that she cant jump on me anymore..which i must say she isnt happy about...man she is an awesome kid but she is in fact rotten to the core which is something ilove about her ( i can see it now..some guy she is on a date with trying to do some business and my beautiful girl just beat the shit of him for even thinking such naughty things)
well since i really have nothing to say because nothing has actually happened( well im reading alot..i may blog about this later) so goodbye folks until i actually have something of worth to add.
ok in other news despite my whinning..breanna is doing well..im trying to makeher comprehend the fact of a baby in momma's belly and that she is going to be a big sister of this baby...she seems thrilled but doesnt understand that she cant jump on me anymore..which i must say she isnt happy about...man she is an awesome kid but she is in fact rotten to the core which is something ilove about her ( i can see it now..some guy she is on a date with trying to do some business and my beautiful girl just beat the shit of him for even thinking such naughty things)
well since i really have nothing to say because nothing has actually happened( well im reading alot..i may blog about this later) so goodbye folks until i actually have something of worth to add.
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