love

I love him.  I miss him.  I hope the best for him.  I'm happy for him.  I want what's in his best interest for him.  I want to see and hear him. I want to hug him one more time. 

I love him.

The end.

sexual escapades

I have yet again neglected my blog.  I'm not the best writer, so when I go back and read what I had written I usually end up cringing at my uneducated attempt at putting stuff down on paper. (Well...wait....this is a computer...my brain hurts already) That being said I normally take a few breaks in between posts.

My kids and work have also kept me busy.  Breanna graduates from pre K next week.  I'm so proud of her.  She starts dance class again soon.  I love watching her and I think one day she will make something out of it.  One can only hope.  Lucian's drawing capabilities have sky rocketed.  I think I have myself a little prodigy.   :)  My kids are the shit.
They have made me an assistant manager at work.  It's cool.  I get a pay raise and get to tell people to stop being stupid when needed.  Bad side is I've been training for it on my days off since it's easier and we won't be short handed if they were to train me on days I work.  I get overtime pay...my next check should be in my eyes amazing.  Although I'm tired from working 15 days straight, its still a win.

In the past couple of weeks I have been, how would you put it?  Feeling my cheerios?   Needless to say....I need fucking laid.

I could have sex with Mark if I wanted to.  I don't because I don't want to.  It defeats any purpose of "just being friends"  I don't want to do anything just because I'm in need of some vaginal stimulation.  I know we couldn't just be "friends with benefits"  it would lead into us eventually being a couple again for all the wrong reasons.  If we end up being a couple again....I want them to be for the right ones.

I've been having dreams.  Not really highly erotic, but still stimulating.  I more or less think it just comes from missing E terribly and earlier wishing and hoping of what could have been if things were different and I wasn't so complicated or to be honest maybe more his type.  Most of my dreams contain him, us being happy and having a life, not really sex ( not that it hasn't happened in these dreams, just not often.  E and I never had that kind of relationship and it never was thought of either.  We're close without it....which is why I feel so connected to him...it felt more, real I suppose)  These dreams make me miss him more.  I need therapy.

Other dreams not containing E have been highly erotic.  Some with people I know, others not.  I've always been one to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh and without it lately I guess my brain has decided I needed the views of it in my slumber.  Its quite frustrating.

When in waking hours, I've had a few offers.  A very good friend of mine and her husband are looking for someone they can have fun with inside and outside of the bedroom.  More or less a close friendship with the benefits of having sexual relations.  It's appealing, and I've thought about considering it.  This particular couple I really don't see any complications coming about.  I'm still not sure about it though.  Its intriguing to be wanted by 2 people and to be able to be pleased and pleasure 2 on a regular basis and still have the friendship thing going on. Maybe I will consider it after all.

The friend I slept with in November has been talking about wanting a second round.  In his words " I feel like I got the most delicious piece of candy and I want another piece"  I don't know whether to be excited about being compared to candy...or creeped out.  I have to admit the first round was pretty....fucking good.  Dude was giving and his stimulation and resistance was in need for an award.  I feel guilty over the first occurrence,  therefore that would be a no.

There have been others.  None I could really see myself being with due to not my type or it would just be awkward afterward.  But honestly, even the ones that appeal me I still can't really see myself doing.  Not because it wouldn't be fun, good or guilt free.  But because they just aren't the person I want to be with and the person I would want to isn't here.  So...I will continue to feel my cheerios.  I'm not saving myself for him, cause it won't happen.  But I wouldn't enjoy it otherwise due to my mind wouldn't be toward the people I would be sleeping with, but towards him. So whats the point?  Yea.  Thats not weird at all....sorry.

Hell maybe what I need is to have fun and let loose with some good friends to get my mind off of him.  Who knows. My chick friend's offer is almost something you can't say no to.  I'm highly curious.

I need therapy.


I originally had this post blocked from being viewed...but fuck it.

I'm juvenile.

The assumptions and jumping to conclusions I have made about people ignoring me or being rude have been ridiculous and selfish. In this self inflicted depression I have lost a lot of my sense of humor and my feelings are easily hurt....for no reason.  I have assumed that some people I've annoyed too much so they weren't talking to me instead of thinking maybe they were just busy and preoccupied with other daily life errands and situations.  I've assumed that I'm disliked over being depressed. I've assumed E was annoyed with me and that he didn't care for me just because I hadn't heard from him in a few days.  I thought I was right in thinking I wasn't special in his life and was feeling completely broken and empty. I've talked to him since and that isn't the case. I'm now feeling guilty over this.  I hope I haven't angered any of my loved ones over these assumptions.  That is the last thing I want.  My insecure self needs to take a hike and I need to start thinking logically instead of child like.  After all.  I am an adult and I'm not blind or ignorant.  I need to stop acting as such.

The saying is true that no matter what the distance is from someone you care about, you still love and care about them as if they were only inches from you.  As strange of a connection it is E has on me...its a very strong one and I've never had one like it.  I'm scared to lose it.  I don't think I will.  Not a day passes I don't think of him, not once...but several times.  Most of these are happy. Laughing about stuff at work, his shows, good times and long talks.  Other times I feel so lost without him here, like a better part of myself is missing.
I heard from him last night and was thrilled.  My shotty crappy day turned into an enlightened night just by simple conversation.  It was nice to know that he also misses me.  His birthday is in 2 days.  I wish I could bake him a cake.  :)

I would travel to the moon and back if he only asks.  That is kind of scary.  

Random Nonsense

I find myself waking only to find myself deep in an abyss glutted with my own despondency.  I begin choking on air full of lies of others.  I continue to lay there in the blissful torture of my own mind often wondering how it is I come to be in such a woe.  I want.  I need.  I feel.  I breathe. I am. 

Pathetic?  Worthless?  Ugly? Unwanted?  Unneeded? Loved? 

Tossing and tortured with the fuel of another's words.  Lies.  All lies.  Words of kindness. Wisdom.  Hope.  Beauty.  Need.  Friendship.  Lies, all lies.  If not lies,  then empty promises and misinterpreted feeling.

How can one be as obtuse as myself. For one that can see through others transparent reeking shit, I still am blind.  I have hope in people that show minimal amounts of affection and grow attached....then it becomes infectious.  Its never mutual.  It never was.  I fall into fragments. Portions of myself become adrift.  I capitulate to the depression without wanting to come back up for polluted air. 

Pathetic.  Worthless.  Ugly Unwanted. Unneeded. 

Unloved.

Work, Dumb people, Accidents.

Its been such a crazy and busy week.  I work at a gas station in a city where unfortunately a lot of folk are poor and sadly a lot of them are poor by choice.  Most live off of welfare or SSI checks or some other form of government assistance.  I'm all for people who need it without abusing it, lord knows I've needed and indeed receive medicaid for my children.  But people I see everyday abusing it because they simply don't want to work and would rather sit at home neglecting their children while dealing drugs and/or doing drugs in front of their kids.  Its something that just goes right through me.  That being said....most people receive their government benefits within the first week of every month.  The gas station I happen to work for has the cheapest beer, cigarettes and money orders in town.  We are SLAMMED.  People crowd in the building to stock up on cigarettes, beer, gas for their vehicles and money orders to pay their bills.  They also grab tons of junk food and buy it on EBT.  Being busy doesn't bother me and I overlook the abuse of the system for the most part but the fucking attitudes of these people because they happen to have money for the time being and think they are the shit fucking kills me.  Really?  You get a little bit of money and all of a sudden you are untouchable and important?  Get a grip and fuck off.

Yesterday was one of the worse days I've worked in a while.  It was super busy and after receiving crap from people all day long while trying to get my stuff done before the end of the day was just tiring mentally.  I was in a pissy mood by the time I got home and wanted to sit and relax.  Of course having kids doesn't let you do that..ever.  Lucian started screaming to play with my phone.  He has a bad habit of playing draw something and sending videos, pictures and random unintelligible texts to people.  I just let him do it I don't care...if people don't like it they can just ignore it.  I think its cute.  It's not cute however when you are on the phone paying bills or with the credit card company.  It's frustrating and makes me want to lock him in a cage, in a room with sound proof walls.   Breanna is in this stage of wanting everything right then and there and throws fits when she doesn't get her way.  Both of them have received timeout for this shit as well as spanking when its bad.  They both are running around wild destroying the house in their paths while screaming,  After a crap day and coming home to chaos..I'm about ready to pull out my own teeth with a crow bar.  I end up yelling pretty brutally at them to be quiet and shit down otherwise they will get their asses spanked and  timeout in their rooms.  I feel guilty after losing my cool for a second...but hey..at least they sat down and shut up while I got my credit card straightened out and bills paid.

Later on in the evening I hear sirens from outside.  This is a normal as I live in a "not so great" neighborhood.  We call this the "hood"  I stay indoors and I keep my kids inside too.  If we go outside to play we normally go to the park or someones house with a yard in order for them to get their sunshine and fresh air.  I don't want my kids seeing the uncontrollable children and the bad habits their parents taught them already running around wild with out the parental guidance they need because their parents are too fucking busy shooting up, dealing or just eating oreos watching Dr Phil.  I don't want to subject them to the stupidity and danger of drug dealers and drug addicts.  Not all is like that that live here,  but it is the majority.  I don't want my kids to see it or become it. I have to call the police on a regular basis because of stupid shit. I plan on moving soon.  This may sound snotty by I feel like we don't belong here and shouldn't be in this stupid shit. I've had my eyes open for a house with a yard or at least an apartment building with a yard or very close to the park.  We will see.

Anyhoo, I hear sirens.  The kids are begging me for a snack so I just shrug it off for the moment and quickly gather up some stuff for them.  I am nosey so after I feed the kids I go outside to smoke a cigarette and see whats going on.  Come to find out some fuckwad hit a kid that was playing outside then fled the scene right beside my apartment building.  No one was around watching the child they admitted on the news they were inside.  By the time I got outside they were loading him up in the ambulance and thank god he only obtained minor injuries.  This infuriates me to no extent.  The asshole who hit the kid didn't have enough mercy or caring in his heart to make sure the kid was ok.  He was probably in a hurry to get some deal or fix taken care of.  The parents of the child didn't give a fuck enough to make sure their baby ( 5 years old...5) wasn't playing between 2 parked cars PARKED on the street.  Other than the shocked crowd themselves...the parents didn't seem highly upset.  They seemed...concerned.  I would have been hysterical and murderous if one of my children was hit by a car, let alone by someone who fled...but it wouldn't have happened anyway..I would have been watching my kid.  Accidents happen.  But this could have been avoided.  This is a reminder that all parents should never turn their back on their kids.  Ever.
When all was said and done, I went back inside to my babies still eating their snack and watching Jimmy Neutron.  I sat beside them and hugged them both and kissed them.  I felt so guilty for being mean to them earlier in the day just because I was having a bad day,  What if something like that happened to them?  I don't even want to imagine it. I would cease to exist is what would happen.

My heart breaks over the kids in my community other than my own.  They go home to parents who could care less about them and in fact think of them more or of a nuisance.  They see things they should never have to see.  They basically care for themselves at very young ages.  They are wild with no manners or discipline because their parents just don't give a fuck themselves and have no respect for themselves, let alone their children or others.  Whenever I see a child running wild outside I call the police.  i was beating myself up yesterday over this and became pretty down about it.  If I could have just been outside smoking a cigarette before it happened and called the cops or just simply said to the child hey don't play in the street you could get hurt...maybe it wouldn't have happened.  I feel sorry for this child who is going to go back to an unhealthy environment where he just might get in trouble for what happened to him.  You never know.  In my eyes.  His parents should have been arrested too for child neglect.  Sigh.


I miss him dearly.  I have the feeling he is annoyed with me. He hardly talks to me.  :/

Thats about all for today.  Until next time...

Yay?

Decided to take a break from Facebook.  I spend entirely too much time on it and its an unneeded stress over petty bullshit I shouldn't stress over.  I find it pointless as a way of contact also, which is why I started it in the first place when I lived in Florida.  I don't really talk to anyone too much on there except in status updates in which usually are funny or the complete opposite and are rude.  So I deactivated my account tonight.

I also find myself being unnerved by people.  I take things a bit too seriously lately which isn't wanted.  I've become quite ditzy and also offended when someone points out my stupidity.  I'm not, so I dislike assumptions or innuendos that I am being thrown at me...even when its innocent.  This needs to end too. 

I'm confused by the actions or words of another...whom will remain unnamed.  But I feel kind of beaten and lost.  I also feel lied to about what I am to some people.  I honestly don't care about most and if they like me or care...but others I thought who did...well, it stings,  Some of my friendships are very one sided and always have been....it hurts to know that you lack importance in the end. 

I'm off to bed.  I'm done with this day. 

Busy

I seem to stay busy.  Between work, kids, house and helping take care of my mom and all lifes little errands and pulls....Man...I just want a vacation. 

I'm trying to teach myself some girly shit in what little down time I have at night...which is hard, for the obvious fact that I'm just not very girly despite my whinnying and crying about dumb, menial, ridiculous circumstances.  The past few days I've been looking up do it yourself videos on how to do your own acrylic nails and waxing on youtube.  Its...much harder than what the videos make you believe.  I did my own acrylic fill in on my nails and it was almost a disaster.  Gladly though I paid attention and was able to fix them despite my horrible and shaky eye hand coordination. I've been doing my own eyebrows for some time but really have never had the nerve to try else where with the exception of one drunken time...that of course doesn't count.  I'm a chicken shit...so I've yet to try.  Maybe I will get up the gall to do my twat tonight.  :D

I finally got to spend some time with one of my best friends Juleah.  It was nice to watch out kids play and catch up on much needed conversation.  Mark came along and had a good time too.  Juleah made this amazing bacon and lentil soup and I asked her advice about things that were bothering me. She is always nonjudgmental and insightful.  It was a very nice, laid back and enjoyable visit.  I need to go again soon. 

I haven't been able to talk to Mary much.  :(  I miss her terribly.  I need to stop passing out and waking up at times when I'm afraid to call her and she never does because of my work schedules.  I need to make the time tomorrow.  I can't wait for summer.  Hopefully we will be able to get together a little bit more often. 

I miss E.  I haven't talked to him either.  I figure he is busy with his new job and recent shows I know he has had.  Otherwise he may be irritated with my attitude towards life and situations.  I'm not sure.  I'm also starting to think I'm one of those people where I'm out of sight and out of mind,,which is upsetting considering.  I at times wish I could do that with people I care about and love. Not a day goes by I don't wonder what they are doing and how they are getting along.  Tis life.  I just hope I am just making ridiculous assumptions although advice about it from other friends hasn't made me feel much better.  I dunno. 

My kids are doing amazing.  Breanna is excited for summer to get here and looks forward to kindergarten.  Everyday she has been bringing home new artwork and its all very good.  I see a lot of potential in a lot of things with my daughter and pray that she takes each one of them and grasps it tight.
Lucian...haha.  He cracks me up.  Typical into everything and very curious little boy.  He has gotten a sneaky streak lately which can be very cute..and at the same time make me have a heart attack at some of the things he tries to do or get into when your back is turned for a second.  I love them both dearly. 

Mark.  Mark is Mark.  He is getting better.  Our relationship is still where its always at...a stand still.  Lately he has been bringing me home little presents like cards and stuff.  Its cute and I appreciate them.  I just don't want him to think that buying me stuff is going to fix things.  I don't want to hurt his feelings just in case he is just trying to be genuinely nice and caring.  Sigh  Once again.  I dunno. 

Thats it for today folks.  Time to hit the sack.