ramblings...bahumbug

well....I'm not sure where to start or really to even write down at this current moment...so many things have been going on within the past week its insane...i found more gray in my hair yesterday and I'm putting the blame on the past week ( sigh....going gray already at the ripe old age of 23...yay) if you read my previous post you will have learned that my week was crappy then...yea..it got worse...i don't know why i am a target for misfortune lately..i try to be positive but these days i feel like mark and i are getting spat in our faces...our car is dead now..which means mark cant drive at work..which means no tips and this leads into our already little income being cut in half...i feel worthless about it cause no one is hiring or they wont hire me as if there is a plague around me ( maybe there is?) ...my apartment is now dry..we were lucky enough to not have any water damage to any of our possessions...but it is still a wreck..they have replaced the piping and hot water heater but the floors still need new base boards and carpet...we need new closet doors since they got water damage...its a mess....oh and did i mention my electric got shut off?..that's a long story but basically i paid it..they said i didn't..i proved i did yet they still want to charge me and extra 50 dollars since it was shut off anyways for reconnection fees...... i cant tell you how many tears i have shed this week...i feel insignificant and pathetic....Ive called my mother during half these tears...all she will say is i need to come home..ok..fine....with what money?...it would take at least 2 grand to get home...between truck rental gas..possible hotel stay for at least one night...i cant afford to move but i cant stay here any longer...i don't know what to do or where to turn...i keep hoping...wishing...even praying to someone who doesn't seem to be listening ( I'm beginning to think there truly is no higher power...the idea keeps getting weaker as each day passes and more bad things happen) none of it seems to be doing any good...because of all the petty things going on..it has made mark and i fight more...we have different views about staying or moving...i swear he would rather us live in a ditch as long as we stay in florida..while i on the other do want to stay..i want things to get better...but i don't want to live in a ditch so i want to go back up north and stay with my mom for a little while...we seem to argue over anything ( i must indeed admit i start ALOT of these over lack of sleep, anger and annoyance..mark says i i keep acting like a lunatic he is going to lock me up..whatever do it..it will be a vacation to me) I'm tired of fighting..i want things to get better...being stressed breanna seems to know this and tries any way in her power to make it worse...i know its for the attention we haven't been giving her...i feel like lately all i have done with my kid is yell or put her in time out, etc...( i know this isn't true however..I've done loads of things with her..we made a ginger bread house yesterday..it was awesome...plus our daily walks and casual play times)...i feel terrible about it...things need to change...Christmas is around the corner...i guess breanna is officially on the naughty list since mark and i cant afford to get her anything....everyone tells me not to worry about it she is little she wont remember..well you know what i don't care...i want my daughter to have a good christmas no matter how old she is...i want to see that joy on her face as she opens up gifts and realizes what is underneath that colorful paper....its NOT fair....this year has not been fair...and it makes me angry that its not being fair to my daughter who has done nothing...for all families and children that have done nothing and seem to have all this misfortunes in the world while others sit back and enjoy their riches and their greed....i tired of feeling like a target...tired of looking for the positive in bad situations...just..tired... I'm lost and don't know what to do to over come it