Agnostics prayer

Dear lord.

Although I myself am not sure if you exist,  I have high hopes you do.  Please do not hold it against me in the end for my doubts.  Everyone has questions and mine just haven't been answered yet.  I do not think you would be the way most in this world make you out to be.  I would like to think of you as a loving God.  A forgiving God.  A remorseful one.  An understanding one with no judgements at all towards any living creature.  I do not pray often.  I have faith though it may not seem like it....lately it has been lacking. I now pray in hopes that you do exist, and listen and will hopefully take me into consideration although maybe I don't deserve it.

I pray you keep my family safe.  To watch over my children.  I want them more than any thing in this world to be happy, healthy and obtain intelligence about life itself.  I pray for the ability to be always provide for their needs and to teach them the important lessons in life.  To be good people with good morals and manners.  To have respect for human kind and all the worlds wondrous creatures and life.  To want to make a difference in this world, not only for themselves but for others.  To know that happiness is what you make it.  Not what you have.  I pray they always stay full of life, love and creativity.  I pray they won't be like me.

I pray for you to bring peace and happiness to my mother.  To give her strength.  To keep her healthy.  To stay in my life as well as my children's for as long as possible.  I pray that you can give her the break in life that she needs and is well deserved.  She is an incredible woman that has always lived a very rough road.  She has went through so much and has always come through with grace and understanding.  She is wise and loving.  She more than anyone I know deserves to have things fall into place for her.

Please watch over and bless my family and my friends.  Most of these people are amazing people who do so much for others and live day to day and struggle quite a bit with unfortunate events.  It seems as though many people i have known for most of my life have always struggled and dealt with situations undeserved.  They have remained remarkable, honest and caring even when it seemed they shouldn't have been.  Give them peace.

I love Mark.  He is an amazing man and lately maybe I haven't been the best of person towards him due to past occurrences.  He has found strength he didn't know he had and has overcame a lot of the demons he struggles with everyday.  He has been trying to to make things right between us.  He has proven he indeed loves me and his children.  He is caring not just for us but for others and had tried to the best of his ability to help and provide.  Please give him peace of mind.  I want the best for him and our children.  His quiet thoughtful nature has always been something that has intrigued me.  I would like to take a lesson from it.  Although we have our troubles and as of right now it is still a working process.  Whatever happens with us,  I just want him to be ok and to live his life to it's fullest.

Watch over Eric.  I hope all is well with him.  I hope he is finding peace with himself and coming to terms with his own demons.  That he is finding happiness where he is at.  I wish the world for him.  I love and miss him dearly.  I still feel broken without him here.  I know things could never be, and it is selfish of me.  Doesn't stop me from wishing it were or even still could be.  I find myself still aching.   I hope he sees me as his friend, someone needed in his life, someone he is happy to hear from.   I hope all his dreams come true and if we ever do see the other again.  We will laugh. 


I do not ask for material possessions.  I do not ask for money.  All I ask for myself is for things to fall into place.  I am grateful for all the things I have in my life. I ask for wisdom, understanding and grace.  There are many things that I want.  Most I know I can't have or need.  I do not ask for them.  I want peace.  I want to be able to sleep at night.  I want it to be known I am a good person with a huge heart.  I care for everyone around me and wish the best for them.  I feel others pain whenever I hear of bad situations.  I wish I could take it all away.  I have my own demons and fights I want to be relieved from.  To come to terms with them.  I want to be able to live a happy full life with no regrets.  To be able to say in the end I did the best I could for people and my children and it turned out ok.  To say that my honesty, virtues and charity was because I wanted to give my part to make this world a little bit better or to say I at least tried.  I people to be able to say that they knew me, and they were glad.  I want the world to be a better place, with no hunger, homeless or pain.  For people to be able to look at another without hatred.  For the many different wars in llife to find mutual common ground and live in peace with their neighbors.  Please keep me from falling into myself.  To stop seeing myself as this ugly, horrible person.  To be able to smile at my reflection.  To be able to love myself.

My prayer isn't much.  Maybe it's a little selfish after all.  But if you do exist.  I hope you listen.  

Moving

i am finally getting out of this god forsaken piece of a shit apartment.  I looked at a house a few days ago...one that I actually liked within my price range.  And I am now renting my first house.  I get the keys to it Monday.  It is a fairly large 3 bedroom, 1 bath, living room, dining room, extra storage building, fenced in yard.  I am so excited.  I need this.  My family needs this.  I can't wait.

Hopefully this will be the start of my string of bad luck finally coming to a slow end.  Maybe not.  But at least it is something good and deserved finally coming into my life.  Maybe now things will start to fall into place for my family and I.

Work has been insane.  I have the feeling I will be pulling a lot of hours over the next couple of weeks between both jobs.  Seems as though every time we hire someone new at Go Mart...it doesn't work out with them.   The past few workers we have hired have also been friends of mine....so it not working out due to things I didn't know or realize prior...well let's just say I'm irate about the situations.  If I had known....I never would have recommended them.  Sometimes you just don't know people as well as you think.  It's sad.  Sometimes I hate being a friend...and their manager.  It ruins the friendship finding this shit out.  I will no longer go out of my way to help someone get a job. 

I'm very tired.  I've only been sleeping maybe 2 or 3 hours a night due to very little time on my hands.  What time I do have I want to spend as much as I can with my kids and also trying to squeeze some me time in.  Sleep just seems to not be a priority and menial.  Also doesn't help that I am a known insomniac.  It is getting worse.  Hopefully when things settle down, after the move and I get things straightened out with Christmas.  I will sleep then, although I doubt it.


I miss him.  Everyday.

Drained.

I'm.  Fucking tired.

Working 2 jobs, caring for my kids and keeping up my house is wearing me down.  It will be worth it in the end.

Lucian urinated on my phone a couple of weeks ago.  As sad as it sounds I miss my phone.  I was never one to care about material and menial possessions until I purchased my Droid x2....but I guess it was really the only thing I owned I actually liked.  The insurance company is being dumb....seems like it is taking forever to get a replacement. :(  Boo.

 I miss Eric immensely.  He probably thinks I'm fucking creepy or insane.  Not sure if he honestly misses me or not,  he has probably made some new friends and works a lot, which is awesome and I'm so happy that things are working out for him there.  Doesn't change that I miss and love him.  Time has been passing...sometimes with time...it doesn't change or heal things...sometimes it makes it worse. 

I'm not where I feel I should be.

 I started working 2 jobs recently in order to be able to pay bills, save some sort of cash in my savings beyond income tax money and first and fore most to be able to purchase my children their birthday and soon to be Christmas gifts.  It sucks.  I hate not having more time on my hands to be around my children.  I miss them terribly and they do me too.  It sucks to hear them cry for me not to go to work.  It sucks that I see them briefly before work and briefly after.  It sucks that it feels like other than providing for them, I am not the one raising them.  I want to laugh and play with them.  I want to be here to kiss them when they get hurt, watch movies before bed and cry with them when they cry.  I have a heavy heart for my kids and hopefully I won't have to work like this for long.  My plan is to work 2 jobs until the end of November and then call the part time crappy food job quits.  Until then....well.  I will just have to deal and do the best I can with what little time I have left in a day.

Doing nothing but working does have a nice numbing to it.  I don't have time to think about the crappy things in my life.  Mark and I are doing fine.  We have come to terms about things and with that...well he does his thing I do mine and in between we are a family.  A strange one.  But a family none the less.  Most days I feel empty and alone, grateful for what I have no doubt, but still empty and alone.  I feel as though all my efforts in being a good person, doing things for others, independent and dependable are for nothing and a slap in the face.  I feel cheated so to speak.  My home life although its fine...feels wrong.  I don't belong here and my kids and I shouldn't be here.  They need their father.  He is good to them...and to me.  I would never keep him from them.  But it feels so wrong.  There is no Mark and I anymore so being here is just...well wrong.  I have no place other than being close friends.  Having no place...is lonely.  So.  Work has taken my mind off of this recently.  I am rarely here unless it is to sleep...double edged sword.  I want to be here with my kids.  Can't stand being here either.  No win.  Fuck. 

I am in need of some companionship.  Real companionship.  Not just friendship.  I have 2 problems with this. One is no one is remotely interested because of my home life and I am just fucking odd anyway in many ways.  This puts most people off.  The second would be is I'm not interested in anyone myself even if someone did come along that showed some interest.  No one has came along I can see being close to, not that I haven't tried.  I have.  But...my heart isn't in it as well as my mind.