ramblings...bahumbug

well....I'm not sure where to start or really to even write down at this current moment...so many things have been going on within the past week its insane...i found more gray in my hair yesterday and I'm putting the blame on the past week ( sigh....going gray already at the ripe old age of 23...yay) if you read my previous post you will have learned that my week was crappy then...yea..it got worse...i don't know why i am a target for misfortune lately..i try to be positive but these days i feel like mark and i are getting spat in our faces...our car is dead now..which means mark cant drive at work..which means no tips and this leads into our already little income being cut in half...i feel worthless about it cause no one is hiring or they wont hire me as if there is a plague around me ( maybe there is?) ...my apartment is now dry..we were lucky enough to not have any water damage to any of our possessions...but it is still a wreck..they have replaced the piping and hot water heater but the floors still need new base boards and carpet...we need new closet doors since they got water damage...its a mess....oh and did i mention my electric got shut off?..that's a long story but basically i paid it..they said i didn't..i proved i did yet they still want to charge me and extra 50 dollars since it was shut off anyways for reconnection fees...... i cant tell you how many tears i have shed this week...i feel insignificant and pathetic....Ive called my mother during half these tears...all she will say is i need to come home..ok..fine....with what money?...it would take at least 2 grand to get home...between truck rental gas..possible hotel stay for at least one night...i cant afford to move but i cant stay here any longer...i don't know what to do or where to turn...i keep hoping...wishing...even praying to someone who doesn't seem to be listening ( I'm beginning to think there truly is no higher power...the idea keeps getting weaker as each day passes and more bad things happen) none of it seems to be doing any good...because of all the petty things going on..it has made mark and i fight more...we have different views about staying or moving...i swear he would rather us live in a ditch as long as we stay in florida..while i on the other do want to stay..i want things to get better...but i don't want to live in a ditch so i want to go back up north and stay with my mom for a little while...we seem to argue over anything ( i must indeed admit i start ALOT of these over lack of sleep, anger and annoyance..mark says i i keep acting like a lunatic he is going to lock me up..whatever do it..it will be a vacation to me) I'm tired of fighting..i want things to get better...being stressed breanna seems to know this and tries any way in her power to make it worse...i know its for the attention we haven't been giving her...i feel like lately all i have done with my kid is yell or put her in time out, etc...( i know this isn't true however..I've done loads of things with her..we made a ginger bread house yesterday..it was awesome...plus our daily walks and casual play times)...i feel terrible about it...things need to change...Christmas is around the corner...i guess breanna is officially on the naughty list since mark and i cant afford to get her anything....everyone tells me not to worry about it she is little she wont remember..well you know what i don't care...i want my daughter to have a good christmas no matter how old she is...i want to see that joy on her face as she opens up gifts and realizes what is underneath that colorful paper....its NOT fair....this year has not been fair...and it makes me angry that its not being fair to my daughter who has done nothing...for all families and children that have done nothing and seem to have all this misfortunes in the world while others sit back and enjoy their riches and their greed....i tired of feeling like a target...tired of looking for the positive in bad situations...just..tired... I'm lost and don't know what to do to over come it

and yet it still gets worse....

i was wrong when i said things couldn't get any worse my friends...believe me IT CAN...i am no longer pregnant...i miscarried on Monday...earlier that very same day our hot water heater thought it would be a very nice jester to give us a indoor swimming pool at 4 am...so alas breanna and i are staying at my brother in laws until everything gets fixed ( getting the water out, letting things dry, new carpet and floor boards, etc.) its going to take over a week...we have no money..the tires on our car are bare and i am afraid mark is going to get into an accident if they don't get replaced within the next day or so...breanna has been unbearable( she doesn't listen at all..hyper activity is through the roof...the toddler years are now considered a form of punishment for past wrongs I'm sure)...I'm at my wits end..someone help me...this is just a tiny bit of what my week has been like....until the next disaster my friends.

oh the wonders of a toddler....

mark and i were recently discussing about human hard wiring...that certain things as a child are hardwired into the mind especially around breanna's age....toddlers are constantly learning, growing and developing new skills while trying to copy what we do...thus this led into a discussion of things we NEED to stop doing ourselves all together...certain things we do, say, etc.
breanna is extremely intelligent and picks up on everything, she also has a temper ( which she probably gets from me...haha)...anything we say at the moment she repeats with almost perfection...its kinda funny in a way an example being she was watching WALLE for the first time today and when he said his name she utterly went waahhhhaallllleeee...it made me smile. whenever I'm cleaning she tries to help, she no longer fights with me about bedtime cause its something we make necessary and fun for hr whether it be a story or some soft music, she helped me decorate the tree this year without really needing help.... or if its something simple like brushing my hair she wants to do it herself as well...I'm so happy to see her developing so well. but along with good things comes the bad..she is unbelievably stubborn and rarely listens unless it is to her liking, with all this learning and growing she is picking up on everything even the not so good..take for instance last night...I'm trying to quit smoking as soon as possible but i caved last night from being irritated and sick so i went outside to do so...when i go out side i open up all my shades so i can see inside to watch what breana is doing although 9 times out of 10 she just stand by the window watching and waiting for me to finish and come back inside...mark cousin came outside ( whom happens to live next door) so we chit chatted while we smoked..breanna is still at the window just sitting there watching us..next thing i know she is fiddling with the door handle..i tell her no..of course she doesn't listen ( I'm going to have a firm talk with her on the subject of NO )...so i go to turn the handle to go inside to tell her no ill be in shortly and here to my surprise she none other than locked me out...it wouldn't have freaked me out so bad if she had actually locked the handle...i could have easily got in using the ole credit card trick..but no she locked the dead bolt...this is something she has never done before and she thought i was frightfully funny...i tried to explain from the other side that mommy CANT come in if she doesn't unlock the door..tried showing her what to do which is hard from the other side...now I'm in a panic..what if she was to walk away from the door and decide to put something in her mouth and choke?..so many things ran through my mind it was insane...during my state of a near mental breakdown of worry, mark's cousin was trying to call mark...he finally got ahold of him and told him to come and unlock the door...mark must have been speeding cause he made it there within 5 minutes from his work...he had this smirk on his face and i told him it wasn't funny...he said he knew it wasn't "really"...and just stated that i need to take my keys out with me from now on ( no shit)..once inside the house i take breanna in my arms and hug her...i wasn't mad..it was simply her figuring something out...i tried explaining to her that locks are a no no and she should never play with them...we'll find out if she learns this in the near future...in the meantime however I'm making a trip to walmart for some safety locks just in case she does learn to unlock the doors and open them...the last thing i need is to wake up in the morning with no breanna in the house...lol ( cringes with fear at the thought )
anyways on to other news...still have yet to go to the clinic to find out whether or not I'm having one of them there baby things again...mark and i being sick has postponed it..so i must go next week sometime cause i dont think i could wait any longer than that to find out..plus i would like to know how far along...to my calculations i should be about 4 weeks along..maybe 5....but we will see :) I'm about 98 percent sure I'm impregnated do to the lack of blood in my shorts this month..yay to no more rags :D

EDIT: i just read on yahoo news that an expecting couple was pulled over and given a ticket while on their way to the hospital to have the baby..they were in the middle of rush hour bumper to bumper traffic so the husband went into the pull over lane...supposedly the cop actually made the woman prove she was pregnant by stepping out and showing her belly.. WTF and you STILL gave them a ticket?..this woman was having contractions 3 minutes apart...what did they expect them to do?..stop right there and have the baby in the middle of traffic?..i would have done the same thing as them if i were in that kind of situation.....WOW..if i was the father i would be PISSED....what ever happened to policemen HELPING these kinds of situations by escorting pregnant couples to the hospital???...wow the world and the people in it these days suck.

chest colds suck alot of donkey dick

yup that's about it..they suck....mark and i can barely take care of ourselves at the moment...he has called off work the past 2 days to lay about and attempt to help me with breanna...yea we are pathetic.it seems as though we cant stop coughing, our lungs feel like they are on fire, our heads are about to explode off our shoulders, fever..you name it we feel it right now probably..even breanna and phoenix act like they don't feel well either..the cat is going around laying about and sneezing ( mark blames our misfortune on poor phoenix..come to think of it he WAS the first one to start sneezing..hmmm?)..breanna is coughing and sneezing as well but still is playing as kids do even when they don't feel well...god damn its like a fucking plague in my house right now...now i think I'm delirious...uggggggg...bye for now..time for homemade chicken soup