things never die

Its been a while since I have posted anything.  Mainly due to being busy. More recently I've been working a ridiculous amount of time lately due to a friend being let go at work.( that in itself calls for a post of its own. Sigh.  Its shitty and I'm highly disappointed and angry about it)  We also had a power outage caused by a derecho here in good ole West by god Virginia.  So all in all work alone along with my kids and other things have used up whatever time I may have had to even think about coming on here. 

Life along with myself are strange.  I will never be able to wrap my head around even the shallowest depths of the human mind...or my own I should say.  The way memories and past events are triggered by the least of things.  Smells, sounds, similar occurrences.  Sometimes they come so hard and so strong all I can do is break down.  At times I dream of taking places with my children.  Back when things were simple.  To be carefree and....free.  When the world looked simply fantastic and awe inspiring without ever seeing the hurt, pain and sorrow that lurk behind the beautiful shiny things.  I wish my children didn't have to grow older,  not because I'm a parent and want them to be my babies forever...they will always be that without saying.  But so they don't have to experience what the world is really like.  How cruel and dishonest people can be without effort it seems.  Or Maynard from tool explained it well in the song "Vicarious"  about the people who just watch and do nothing yet crave for the juicy story of death and destruction.  To not have to look at hurt in the face.  I pray they don't have to deal with this, but alas, all I can do is prepare them the best I can.

  I find myself comparing myself from years ago a lot lately.  Back then I seemed so much more laid back, in tune and all around well rounded.  Of course at the time I thought this untrue.  I look at myself now and see a mess, wishing for the laughing mischievous and intelligent beyond her years teenager.  Now a days I feel so dull, blind and ignorant. I never thought myself pretty, but looking back I took what little looks I had for granted and covered them instead of showing them to others.  I was considered a mystery for my quietness since the only time I did speak was to put in an opinion of substance, not gossip.  Today, It yet again seems backwards. I don't gossip per se, gossip entitles lies.  But I tend to speak more on others and stupid shit than I do things that actually interest me.  I was an artist in a lot of ways.  Now I'm just one trying to be in the shadow of a once talented girl...

I'm trying to find myself.  I stay angry that I can't find her.