Losing my mind.....

I know for certain it is happening...I'm losing my mind. I know it has alot to do with this pregnancy ( which has not treated me kindly already ) along with the fact that I'm unhappy with pretty much everything going on in my life right now. No job, no money, struggling day by day..not being able to pay our bills. The past year has been awful. My moods have been getting worse. I have been distant with Mark and Breanna. I feel annoyed at the slightest things and angry at the most ridiculous. But since I have been pregnant my mood swings have been going from one side of the pendulum to the other within seconds. For example, last night Mark came home. I was already in a bad mood because Breanna just simply wouldn't leave me be. ( It wasn't her fault she is just wanting my attention. I feel like a horrible mother these days because I haven't been giving her the attention she needs and have actually been angry when she wants it. I don't know how to change this and I want to desperately. ) Anyways I was in an awful mood and it seemed as though anything Mark said to me I shot it right back in his face. There have been some things that need to be done and I asked him when he was going to do them and he didn't answer me...I lost it. I started screaming literally at the top of my lungs at him. What I said I can't really remember but I know it wasn't pretty. I started doing dishes and I started bawling. I cried and cried. After about 20 minutes I started dinner and came into the living room to get online for a minute. Mark was playing game cube with Breanna since it is the easiest game system for her. It reminded me of something I found funny on youtube. A video of people singing Nintendo game theme songs A Capella. I showed it to Mark and he told me it was "stupid". Mistake. It went right threw me. I NEVER tell him when I think when something is stupid that he shows me. It was like this beast in me was released. I got up from the computer to get dinner on the plates and served. While in the process I was slamming stuff around. Mark asked what the "fuck" was wrong with me. Mistake again. I had a ketchup bottle in my hand at the time and I chucked it as hard as I could at the wall opposite me in the living room. Ketchup went EVERYWHERE. I have a white couch. It was all over it. On the walls, the floor, some of Breanna's toys. Mark gave me this dumbfounded yet angry look and I lost it again. I started screaming at him again about how he "hurt" my feelings. Between this and me throwing the ketchup, I scared Breanna. She has never seen me act so crazily. She has seen me angry with Mark, but not angry and crazy. She started to cry and went to Mark for comfort. Mark looked at me and said "See what you did? You happy now?" I said I didn't care anymore or something along those lines. Mark got Breanna calmed down and sat her down to eat. He told her to leave me alone while making bad comments about me to her. Mistake again but I didn't throw anything I just yelled. What I don't know. While eating no one said anything. I didn't expect it nor did I want it. I put Breanna to bed with me, read her a story and talked to her in a soothing voice telling her I was sorry. I bawled again. breanna cried with me and hugged me. Once again I feel like a horrible mother and I know that reading to her and cuddling with her and talking with her doesn't make up for what I did. I think we both fell asleep crying. I woke up at around 3 in the morning. Mark is still awake on the computer playing Gild Wars. There is still a nasty cold tension. I think there will be for a couple of days. I feel bad yet again. I break down and smoke a cigarette. I head to bed again waking up on and off in the night.
Today is the same. My mood is bad. I am distant from my daughter but not mean. I want help and I have none. I am going to talk with my doctor Monday during my appointment about this. It can't go on. I need medication I know I do or else I'm afraid of doing something utterly regrettable.

Epica..Memory

Ok so here is one of my top bands Epica...I love Simone I think she is awesome and I'm completely jealous of her. I love opera and I love metal and she and her fellow band members have blended the 2 perfectly. (this was MY dream to do...lol) I also found a new reason to love them. They covered Memory and its beautiful. I'm a lover of all music and appreciate most of everything and Memory is one of my all time favorite songs since I was a wee lass. I want this song played at my funeral. ( in the original version sung by Elaine Paige ) I am posting the video and lyrics for all of you to enjoy...so do so!





lyrics:
Midnight, not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory?
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan

Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember
The time I knew what happiness is
Let the memory live again

Every street lamp
Seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters
And a street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning

Daylight, I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The street lamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning

Touch me, it's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun...

A story....

There once was a young woman who decided to take her precious daughter Breanna on an early morning walk since Breanna decided that 7 am is the perfect time to wake up and see how fine a day it was. The young woman although disgruntled about getting out of bed before 9 am thought a walk would be a good idea. ( or hopefully tire little Breanna out as to hope she would lay down when they got home) So away they went into the rising sun around the block towards a nice little shopping center to look around ( and buy cigarettes for daddy later )
All of a sudden they hear a beautiful bird singing from a telephone pole top ( no tree tops in this story since they hardly exsist on the woman's street) Little Breanna looks up and yells "ohhh pretty bird!!" As if in response, the bird looks down at her, flaps its pretty black wings, and releases it's bowels all over the place barely missing the woman and the child. Little Breanna then screams "EWWWWW you yucky bird!! You poopy and not pretty no more!!!"
This makes the woman laugh hysterically therefore strangers giving her odd stares. It makes her day already and the day really does seem fine one.

The End.

Dreams...hmmmm

Well last night I kept having this strange dream that also kept reoccurring as if it did not want me to forget it any time soon. Some very little details are a little fuzzy because the last of the dream is absolute madness but it goes a little something like this...

Mark and I are visiting my sister and her family in Ohio. I guess we are having a family reunion because alot of other people are about and there was plenty of food. Mark is hanging out with the boys and my sister's husband and I am helping with the cooking keeping to myself for some reason. ( maybe because I'm a horrible cook in the dream and would think it would burn if left unattended..who knows..lol) After awhile I go outside to join the others talking and I feel some unspoken tension between my sister and I. ( I lived with her for a time when i was in my early teens, we didn't get along so great and it seemed like the same tension even though these dayswe are extremely close.) I ask her what is wrong if she is angry with me for any reason and she said no if I didn't know what was wrong then I didn't need to be told. This confused me and I told her I was sorry but I don't understand. She just walks away from me without saying a word. I'm upset and her husband comes up to me and apologizes for her behavior not to take it to heart. He looks at me teary eyed and tells me I need to know whats wrong. I ask what it is and he says that my sister had been diagnosed with dementia and sometimes time is confusing to her. I start to cry and then suddenly the dream changes. I am now in my own home alone cleaning up ( haha even in dreams what else is new right?) In this part of the dream I seem troubled and am running around frantically as if I was looking for something misplaced and need to find it right then. All of a sudden I am hearing this voice telling me to do things ( This I can't remember what it was telling me but I guess I don't like it) I look outside and it is this entity in the sky telling me to do the things. I tell it no that I don't want to its not right ( damn I wish I could remember what it was trying to tell me) the entity becomes angry and growls at me. It was beautiful outside but then all of a sudden the sky is filled with hellish storm clouds. Rain starts to pour, lightning flashes and the entity growls at me again telling me I have to do as it says. I tell it no once again. Now the clouds in the sky start forming a funnel. The tornado comes right through my window breaking it and trying to grab me.

At this point I wake up. I have a deathly fear of storms of this sort so an entity trying to get me to do something picked a right choice to frighten me. I hate tornadoes and hurricanes. It just freaks me out more than anything because these monsters are real and can cause so much damage and death. "sigh" I wish I could understand this dream. It has me puzzled for 2 reasons. What the dream was about and the fact I dreamt it 4 times in one night. Any opinions anyone who may run into my page???

Anyways I guess this concludes my post for today. until next time floks.

Some shit different day...

All the same is here in my little world. It is blissfully dull I must say. I enjoy being a mom no doubt but I am tired of never doing anything or going anywhere. It really starts to make a person question their sanity at some points. I enjoy everyday with my daughter. She makes most of my dull days interesting at least a few times a day. Everyday is something new with her and I love it. Being pregnant and having complications already though has taken its toll on my pride. I hate not being able to do things I love to do. I feel Breanna is getting the short end of the stick as well because of it. I am on strict instructions not to lift above 10 pounds or doing anything for long periods of time with plenty of rest in between. Because of this, I am trying not to pick her up too much which saddens me when all she wants is to be held. At these times I taken to sitting with her on the couch and doing what we do best. Watching movies or reading. But I still feel like she isn't getting the attention she deserves with doing the things we normally do like long walks during the day or me running around the house chasing her and her laughing...sigh..I hope I'm not on bed rest for forever.

In other news. I had my follow up appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. It went well. The doctor said I'm fine and the baby is fine. She is checking my hormone levels again because I guess they were a tid bit low according to the ER records and then comparing them to my previous levels they did in the office. She was looking through the test from the ER visit and asking me questions about the bleeding and what has happened since then, she seems to think that because of my bicornuate uterus I could have possibly been carrying twins and lost one.

By the way here is a site to rad up on bicornuate uterus if you want to educate yourself..lol


This is unfortunate but maybe for the best. This will be my last pregnancy anyways cause I really never wanted anymore than 2 kids and if something may have been wrong then I look at it as for the best. I'm not sure if this is what happened or not but either way hopefully all comes out well from now on. Also according to what my doctor said this would be the reason for the few miscarriages I have had and in the long run it will cause me problems. She said alot of women go through life with this with no problems what so ever while others may have to have hysterectomies at early ages. "Sigh" my body sucks. Anyways I can't have sex for a month. Which sucks but it ok. Mark understand and want what is best for me and the baby. I have to give him his kudos because he has been so awesome during all this. I'm definally going to have to find a way to make it up to him. I'm sure I can find a way. ( snickers)
I guess this concludes my blog for today or whenever. Hopefully I'll run into some intersting news I can complain or belittle.

Valentines Day

Well today went extremely normal for the most part. I have still been taking it easy until Monday when I go to the doctor again to see how things are going with the baby. Breanna and I pretty much lounged around all day doing what we normally do. Pretty basic. Her playing with her toys and watching her favorite videos, me playing on the computer or sitting and watching videos with her. Later in the day we took a really late nap which is a bad thing but whatever. Just means Breanna will be up all night go to sleep and go to bed early tomorrow cause she will not need a nap. This again I am used to and it is a regular thing. I don't mind most nights. Mark had to work today. I swear it seems as though one of us the whole 8 years we have been together always had to work holidays. Kinda sucks but we are used to it. We also had no money to celebrate Valentines day but then again its bot a big deal. As long as we are together and say I love you's its considered a good one to me. Mark however surprised me today. I had asked before he left for work if he could he should bring home some pizza from work and stop by the store to get something to drink. When he came home he had everything I had asked for. He told me to check the pizza to make sure he had the toppings I wanted. When I opened it he had cut the pizza (thin crust with pepperoni) into a heart With pineapple he wrote I love you. It was extremely sweet and yet so simple and it cost nothing for him to do. It made my day and it will be a valentines day I wont forget. I loved it. Tomorrow my landlord is supposed to finally put carpet in my house. Upside of this would be well new carpet and the old dirty ass carpet will be gone. Downside would be the fact my house isn't up to par and things are in the way. Between Mark working and me being out of commission because of pregnancy complications we haven't been able to do what we need to do. Hopefully we can suggest to do this next weekend and he won't be mad. Anyways I guess this concludes my post for this evening. Have a good one peoples.

EDIT: Mark also gave my cat a bath last night...it WAS the perfect Valentines day!!!

The woes of pregnancy

Ok so yesterday was one of the worst days ever. But its alright now thank god man.
Yesterday morning I woke up with Breanna to do my daily routine which includes emptying my bladder when first waking up. When I went to pee I noticed I had some weird goowey brown stuff coming out of my no no area. I started to worry a bit so I called my OBGYN to let them know what was going on. They basically told me to take it easy and gave me instructions which was more or less bed rest. I did the best I could with hardly doing anything which is a challenge when you already have a toddler running around but for the most part except checking on Breanna and making her food I sat on my ass all day. Later on Breanna and i took a late nap waking up at around 9.30 pm. I go to relieve myself yet again and this time I'm bleeding. Not spotting but straight up bleeding profusely. I'm panicked. I'm afraid of miscarrying since I have before and the fact I was alone at home. I call Mark at work crying telling him to please come home. He is home within a few minutes. In the mean time Mark's uncle Johnny and his girl Jen came over to sit with me. They happened to knock on the door at the right time cause I was in hysterics. Breanna probably thought mommy was insane. Anyhoo. Jen takes Mark and I to the emergency room while Breanna went to stay the night with Mark's brother. During this visit to the hospital my poor vagina got insulted something terrible. I had blood drawn. a pap smear and an internal ultrasound which neither is a pick nick let me tell you. I'm worried and in pain but the bleeding had slowed down alot and was beginning to stop. Come to find out the baby is ok. Everything seemed in order with the pap smear and the ulrasound. No weird fluids were seen and the baby was healthy with a heart rate of 174. My cervix was closed and there didn't seem to be any previous openings to cause the bleeding. All they could really tell me was I had a "threatened miscarriage" which is what they call any bleeding during pregnancy. I asked the doctor since the baby was fine what could cause it and she said there was really no way of telling exactly what but she gave me some ideas as to why. One of them being sex. Sometimes when the uterus during pregnancy is swelling and there is movement sometimes during sex you can hit a blood vessel, or I had basically a small period meaning there was stuff left over that needed to come out which I suppose is actually a good thing. SO in the end the baby is fine. I am put on bed rest until I see my doctor and get further instructions. No sex no nothing. I'm extremely sore today and am hoping for the best. So for your viewing pleasure I have pictures of my first ultrasound showing I am 8 weeks and 2 days along. Oh and I think I am going to call it munchkin until I find out the sex...Breanna was thrilled to see the gummibear size picture of her little brother or sister. YAY!