I seem to stay busy. Between work, kids, house and helping take care of my mom and all lifes little errands and pulls....Man...I just want a vacation.
I'm trying to teach myself some girly shit in what little down time I have at night...which is hard, for the obvious fact that I'm just not very girly despite my whinnying and crying about dumb, menial, ridiculous circumstances. The past few days I've been looking up do it yourself videos on how to do your own acrylic nails and waxing on youtube. Its...much harder than what the videos make you believe. I did my own acrylic fill in on my nails and it was almost a disaster. Gladly though I paid attention and was able to fix them despite my horrible and shaky eye hand coordination. I've been doing my own eyebrows for some time but really have never had the nerve to try else where with the exception of one drunken time...that of course doesn't count. I'm a chicken shit...so I've yet to try. Maybe I will get up the gall to do my twat tonight. :D
I finally got to spend some time with one of my best friends Juleah. It was nice to watch out kids play and catch up on much needed conversation. Mark came along and had a good time too. Juleah made this amazing bacon and lentil soup and I asked her advice about things that were bothering me. She is always nonjudgmental and insightful. It was a very nice, laid back and enjoyable visit. I need to go again soon.
I haven't been able to talk to Mary much. :( I miss her terribly. I need to stop passing out and waking up at times when I'm afraid to call her and she never does because of my work schedules. I need to make the time tomorrow. I can't wait for summer. Hopefully we will be able to get together a little bit more often.
I miss E. I haven't talked to him either. I figure he is busy with his new job and recent shows I know he has had. Otherwise he may be irritated with my attitude towards life and situations. I'm not sure. I'm also starting to think I'm one of those people where I'm out of sight and out of mind,,which is upsetting considering. I at times wish I could do that with people I care about and love. Not a day goes by I don't wonder what they are doing and how they are getting along. Tis life. I just hope I am just making ridiculous assumptions although advice about it from other friends hasn't made me feel much better. I dunno.
My kids are doing amazing. Breanna is excited for summer to get here and looks forward to kindergarten. Everyday she has been bringing home new artwork and its all very good. I see a lot of potential in a lot of things with my daughter and pray that she takes each one of them and grasps it tight.
Lucian...haha. He cracks me up. Typical into everything and very curious little boy. He has gotten a sneaky streak lately which can be very cute..and at the same time make me have a heart attack at some of the things he tries to do or get into when your back is turned for a second. I love them both dearly.
Mark. Mark is Mark. He is getting better. Our relationship is still where its always at...a stand still. Lately he has been bringing me home little presents like cards and stuff. Its cute and I appreciate them. I just don't want him to think that buying me stuff is going to fix things. I don't want to hurt his feelings just in case he is just trying to be genuinely nice and caring. Sigh Once again. I dunno.
Thats it for today folks. Time to hit the sack.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Theives, Emo girl, Whatever.
So I haven't been on here in a couple of days, Things were going pretty good with work, kids and life. You may have read in a previous post about me exhausting certain people out of my life that had made a habit of taking advantage of me and my family. I thought I was done doing that but last night I was proved wrong.
Lately Mark and I have been helping a friend of ours ( we will call him Joe) who is going through a hard time. We both have know Joe for like 15-16 years. Mark ran into him at the store after not seeing him in a while and invited him over for dinner and to hang out to catch up and talk of old times. Joe would come over every so often and do this very thing, talk with Mark, laugh with me and the kids and usually I would make dinner for all of us during these visits. Joe also told us of hard times he has run into in recent days as in losing his job, his relationship ended an just being depressed. He expressed he had missed us and appreciated us being there for him during his tough times. We also helped him with small amounts of money he needed to get by on. He had always been a great friend in the past and we was happy to help him and in a million years never would have thought of him as a thief.
The past few times he has been over I noticed small amounts of money coming up missing. I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe I misplaced 20 dollars here or 10 dollars there. Or I assumed Mark took it needing money for lunch or cigarettes at work. Although we are not loose with money at all and live pay check to pay check I just didn't think anything about the missing money and would justify it. I never thought to just ask Mark and he never thought to ask me about some money coming up missing from his own wallet, we just assumed it was the other needing it. I thought this strange whenever the money would come up missing, but didn't sweat it. I'm never broke and get by so I'm not going to care about 10 or 20 dollars enough to interrogate Mark if he needed it and he thought the same with me. Yesterday I noticed that a jar we keep cash in had a good build up of change and bills. This jar is something we just throw loose money in whether it be change or actual cash because 9 times out of ten, we don't use cash. We normally use debit cards. Whenever a good amount is in these jars, I count it up and depending on the amount I either just put it in our kids bank account or I pay a bill with it. There was 149 dollars in this jar after I counted it out. My electric bill is 130 so I was like hell yea I'll pay the electric with it and we will have that extra money in the bank we won't have to spend. I put the money back in the jar and place it back on the entertainment center.
Last night, Joe calls Mark to hang out and Mark gladly says sure and he would pick him up. Having friends again has helped Mark immensely as well since on his path to wellness. So Mark goes and picks him up and they do what they do, vent about work and life and play video games and play with the kids. He stays a couple of hours and later in the night Mark takes him home and Mark informs me he was running to the store to get some stuff for his fish tank and asked if I needed anything. I say no and tell Joe goodbye along with a hug and hope to see you again soon. Shortly after Mark leaves, I decide to get into the money jar again and go ahead to get it together to take into work to get a money order for the electric bill before I get off work tomorrow. When I look at the jar it seemed off from the way I left it. The lid wasn't on like I had it and the money seemed depleted a bit. I count it. 60 dollars is missing. I call Mark and ask if he took it to use at the store and he said no he was going to use the debit card like he always does. Now I'm mad. Its apparent our old friend stole money off us. No one else had been in my house and I just counted it so I know it didn't happen prior. I'm now pissed. Joe was a person we thought highly of and always had a lot of respect for. I nor Mark would never of thought of him a thief. He never stolen anything off us in the past. I started thinking about the chump change coming up missing. Ironically, but I'm not 100 percent sure, this money would come up missing after visits with Joe. Now...I'm furious. We just helped him out with money. Why would he feel the need to steal? All he had to do was ask. Also how can you be so nonchalant about stealing off of someone who has helped you and you are compelled to do it not once....but several times without blinking an eye? I don't know who I can trust anymore. This was a slap in the face so to speak. It hurt that who I thought was a good friend would take from me and my family.
I vent on facebook about it without saying what happened. I am quite vague at times on there when venting. I do it a lot and can be quite depressing or down in my status updates. Its normal for me and people don't think anything of it, they assume nothing is wrong I'm just being emo. This bothers me a bit too. Even while emo, and despite this theft, any other time I vent or being "emo" it doesn't mean I'm venting or upset about nothing. People who I thought knew me better even assumed nothing was wrong with me, I was just being down as always. So...I'm always down for no reason now? Just because I vent, upset, depressed or down doesn't mean there isn't reason behind it. There usually is, even if it may be stupid or menial to them. I would have thought my better friends, my best friends would know this. It wasn't until I came out and said someone had stolen money off me when they were concerned and then my phone was being blown up with texts and calls wondering who did it and why and if I was ok or going to do anything about it. I just felt like hey, lets ignore her when she is down for the most part...(hell I've even gotten rude or snarky comments over my status updates before along with a few encouraging words of things getting better)... but hey now that something happened that we feel is a real reason lets make sure she is ok. I'm not mad about it. I'm grateful for their concern, but it still stung a little. I guess its my own fault, I've even stated I am down too much and I'm emo and probably get on peoples nerves. I always get a no everyone needs to vent...it helps. I just feel even more alone now knowing thats how people think of me.
Whatever. :/
Anyways thats about all for today. I'm spent.
Lately Mark and I have been helping a friend of ours ( we will call him Joe) who is going through a hard time. We both have know Joe for like 15-16 years. Mark ran into him at the store after not seeing him in a while and invited him over for dinner and to hang out to catch up and talk of old times. Joe would come over every so often and do this very thing, talk with Mark, laugh with me and the kids and usually I would make dinner for all of us during these visits. Joe also told us of hard times he has run into in recent days as in losing his job, his relationship ended an just being depressed. He expressed he had missed us and appreciated us being there for him during his tough times. We also helped him with small amounts of money he needed to get by on. He had always been a great friend in the past and we was happy to help him and in a million years never would have thought of him as a thief.
The past few times he has been over I noticed small amounts of money coming up missing. I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe I misplaced 20 dollars here or 10 dollars there. Or I assumed Mark took it needing money for lunch or cigarettes at work. Although we are not loose with money at all and live pay check to pay check I just didn't think anything about the missing money and would justify it. I never thought to just ask Mark and he never thought to ask me about some money coming up missing from his own wallet, we just assumed it was the other needing it. I thought this strange whenever the money would come up missing, but didn't sweat it. I'm never broke and get by so I'm not going to care about 10 or 20 dollars enough to interrogate Mark if he needed it and he thought the same with me. Yesterday I noticed that a jar we keep cash in had a good build up of change and bills. This jar is something we just throw loose money in whether it be change or actual cash because 9 times out of ten, we don't use cash. We normally use debit cards. Whenever a good amount is in these jars, I count it up and depending on the amount I either just put it in our kids bank account or I pay a bill with it. There was 149 dollars in this jar after I counted it out. My electric bill is 130 so I was like hell yea I'll pay the electric with it and we will have that extra money in the bank we won't have to spend. I put the money back in the jar and place it back on the entertainment center.
Last night, Joe calls Mark to hang out and Mark gladly says sure and he would pick him up. Having friends again has helped Mark immensely as well since on his path to wellness. So Mark goes and picks him up and they do what they do, vent about work and life and play video games and play with the kids. He stays a couple of hours and later in the night Mark takes him home and Mark informs me he was running to the store to get some stuff for his fish tank and asked if I needed anything. I say no and tell Joe goodbye along with a hug and hope to see you again soon. Shortly after Mark leaves, I decide to get into the money jar again and go ahead to get it together to take into work to get a money order for the electric bill before I get off work tomorrow. When I look at the jar it seemed off from the way I left it. The lid wasn't on like I had it and the money seemed depleted a bit. I count it. 60 dollars is missing. I call Mark and ask if he took it to use at the store and he said no he was going to use the debit card like he always does. Now I'm mad. Its apparent our old friend stole money off us. No one else had been in my house and I just counted it so I know it didn't happen prior. I'm now pissed. Joe was a person we thought highly of and always had a lot of respect for. I nor Mark would never of thought of him a thief. He never stolen anything off us in the past. I started thinking about the chump change coming up missing. Ironically, but I'm not 100 percent sure, this money would come up missing after visits with Joe. Now...I'm furious. We just helped him out with money. Why would he feel the need to steal? All he had to do was ask. Also how can you be so nonchalant about stealing off of someone who has helped you and you are compelled to do it not once....but several times without blinking an eye? I don't know who I can trust anymore. This was a slap in the face so to speak. It hurt that who I thought was a good friend would take from me and my family.
I vent on facebook about it without saying what happened. I am quite vague at times on there when venting. I do it a lot and can be quite depressing or down in my status updates. Its normal for me and people don't think anything of it, they assume nothing is wrong I'm just being emo. This bothers me a bit too. Even while emo, and despite this theft, any other time I vent or being "emo" it doesn't mean I'm venting or upset about nothing. People who I thought knew me better even assumed nothing was wrong with me, I was just being down as always. So...I'm always down for no reason now? Just because I vent, upset, depressed or down doesn't mean there isn't reason behind it. There usually is, even if it may be stupid or menial to them. I would have thought my better friends, my best friends would know this. It wasn't until I came out and said someone had stolen money off me when they were concerned and then my phone was being blown up with texts and calls wondering who did it and why and if I was ok or going to do anything about it. I just felt like hey, lets ignore her when she is down for the most part...(hell I've even gotten rude or snarky comments over my status updates before along with a few encouraging words of things getting better)... but hey now that something happened that we feel is a real reason lets make sure she is ok. I'm not mad about it. I'm grateful for their concern, but it still stung a little. I guess its my own fault, I've even stated I am down too much and I'm emo and probably get on peoples nerves. I always get a no everyone needs to vent...it helps. I just feel even more alone now knowing thats how people think of me.
Whatever. :/
Anyways thats about all for today. I'm spent.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Smile.
So today while I was at work I waited on a regular customer. During the past several visits to the store this particular customer has nicely complimented me on various things about me like the hats I wear, the fact I'm usually friendly, my smile and I have pretty eyes. He told me every time he walks in I make his day singing while working and smiling. He's a nice guy, I'd say early 40's and not a bad looking man but not really my type so to speak. Anyhoo, he comes in today to buy his cigarettes and a soda, grabs one of the fresh roses we keep on the counter and I ring him up. After I take his money he hands me the rose and tells me that was for making his day with my smile. It was really sweet and made my day and I was happy to have made his day too. Little things.
After coming home and settling down, I realize I need to run to the dollar store to grab toilet paper and trash bags before Mark has to be at work. I go to the store and while talking with the cashier who is a friend of mine, she was telling me a story about one of her kids and I laughed. A gentleman was standing next to me waiting his turn to be checked out himself, compliments me on my smile. I turned and say thank you and he proceeded to tell me I had stunning eyes. I must of blushed horribly while thanking him as he laughed at my modesty. I must add this man was not a bad looking fellow either. Today was a win.
I don't take compliments and nice gestures well. I also don't usually like to be hit on, but then again it sucks to NEVER be hit on either.( Must be a woman thing) I don't get compliments often from generally nice attractive people..its usually from people whom are drunk or drug influenced, desperate or a good friend or family member. Not saying I don't have some nice qualities about my personality or some nice features, but I'm not one that stops one in their tracks when eyes are laid upon me. When standing next to other females within my own circle of friends or out and about period, I'm never usually the first to be hit on, looked at or talked to by those I consider out of my league...cause normally they are...that being said I'm never the first to be talked to or hit on by those in or below my league either. Not that it never happens...just not often. It kind of sucks and my self image is shitty...for a reason. I still have pimples like I'm 12, am over weight and oddly proportioned. I walk like and dress like a man half the time. I'm a little strange (ok...thats putting it mildly..I can be highly strange) and somewhat odd and intimidating in my looks. When I do get hit on, people seem to always see the same thing, Either its my eyes and more crudely my boobs. It gets old after a while. I sometimes think...damn...I have nothing else going for me at all and I would hate for them to see me naked or I don't have any other feature of any quality at all. So...today was a nice change for others thinking otherwise. It was nice for not one but two people to say something a little different for a change. :)
I have tomorrow off work. I plan on going and getting my hair cut and nails done. I haven't for a while and its long past due. I may dye my hair too. I look alright with red hair...I just hate keeping up with it and usually dye my hair back to black after so long. Maybe it will help boost my self esteem...who knows. If not sometimes its nice to just be a girl for a day...even if your bad at it.
Side note... E liked red hair on women. : / Sigh.
This post was incredibly pointless...but hey..it still helps...
After coming home and settling down, I realize I need to run to the dollar store to grab toilet paper and trash bags before Mark has to be at work. I go to the store and while talking with the cashier who is a friend of mine, she was telling me a story about one of her kids and I laughed. A gentleman was standing next to me waiting his turn to be checked out himself, compliments me on my smile. I turned and say thank you and he proceeded to tell me I had stunning eyes. I must of blushed horribly while thanking him as he laughed at my modesty. I must add this man was not a bad looking fellow either. Today was a win.
I don't take compliments and nice gestures well. I also don't usually like to be hit on, but then again it sucks to NEVER be hit on either.( Must be a woman thing) I don't get compliments often from generally nice attractive people..its usually from people whom are drunk or drug influenced, desperate or a good friend or family member. Not saying I don't have some nice qualities about my personality or some nice features, but I'm not one that stops one in their tracks when eyes are laid upon me. When standing next to other females within my own circle of friends or out and about period, I'm never usually the first to be hit on, looked at or talked to by those I consider out of my league...cause normally they are...that being said I'm never the first to be talked to or hit on by those in or below my league either. Not that it never happens...just not often. It kind of sucks and my self image is shitty...for a reason. I still have pimples like I'm 12, am over weight and oddly proportioned. I walk like and dress like a man half the time. I'm a little strange (ok...thats putting it mildly..I can be highly strange) and somewhat odd and intimidating in my looks. When I do get hit on, people seem to always see the same thing, Either its my eyes and more crudely my boobs. It gets old after a while. I sometimes think...damn...I have nothing else going for me at all and I would hate for them to see me naked or I don't have any other feature of any quality at all. So...today was a nice change for others thinking otherwise. It was nice for not one but two people to say something a little different for a change. :)
I have tomorrow off work. I plan on going and getting my hair cut and nails done. I haven't for a while and its long past due. I may dye my hair too. I look alright with red hair...I just hate keeping up with it and usually dye my hair back to black after so long. Maybe it will help boost my self esteem...who knows. If not sometimes its nice to just be a girl for a day...even if your bad at it.
Side note... E liked red hair on women. : / Sigh.
This post was incredibly pointless...but hey..it still helps...
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friends, Puppies and porn.
Past couple of days have been going alright. I've stayed busy and working. Yesterday Mark went and picked up a really good friend of ours and my friend Ashley came over. We sat around, played with the kids, listened to music, watched movies, talked and reminisced times of old. We talked of the future and all hope for summer so we could possibly take a few trips camping and to amusement parks. It was a good time and I miss doing stuff like this more often with friends. I miss my best friends. All live away with the exception of one and our schedules keep us from really getting to spend time together. I talk to Mary and Juleah at least a couple times a week normally, but sitting on their porches, smoking cigarettes and playing with our kids..there is nothing like it. Both are so different yet so alike. Juleah's sweetness, hospitality and goofy self is great. She has this way of just making anyone feel welcome, at home and like she has known them for years...even if she hasn't. She loves her family more than anything and would do anything for them or for ones close to her.
Mary. How do I explain Mary. I have never met another woman like her. I admire her strength, wisdom and her wit is astounding. Her general caring for everything around her and for everyone and hopes for a better world is something everyone should take the time to listen to. Drinking coffee and laughing at the most ridiculous while also discussing subjects of substance never fail to entertain me. Our children play wonderfully together and Breanna says that Violet is her best friend too. She knows everything about me and always takes the time to listen as well as giving good advice and blunt truths. She works hard and takes on a lot of responsibility for her school and family.
I love them both to bits and couldn't ask for better ladies around to call them friends. Both I can depend on and I hope they feel they can with me. If I am having a horrible day and call one or the other both never cease to cheer me up and enlighten me. I need to visit them soon.
I miss E. Whenever something funny happens at work or if I see a car that looked similar to his, I find myself forgetting he is gone and get excited...then sad after remembering its not him. I am one to laugh easily anyway...but no one could make me laugh all day long like he could. Even though he didn't talk about himself much, he always took time to listen to me and give advice or blunt truths of a situation. I miss talking about music and movies. I miss just being goofy and feeling...free around him. I felt like I could be my strange self around him and that isn't something I feel I can be around with very many people. He made me want to be better, look better ( I wore more dresses and makeup these past 2 years than I have in my entire life ) and feel better about life. Most of all. I just miss him and all that came with him. I love him and hope all is going well in Florida.
Tonight I am hoping attending a comedy show for the first time since he moved if I can find a sitter for my kids. I look forward to it but also know it is going to be awkward with him not there. Speaking of which...here is one of E's sets before he moved. It was called "Puppies and Porn" I was at this set and he did wonderfully. This wasn't long after he first started doing stand up and some of these jokes never fail to still crack me up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
I guess that is all for today. Tha tha tha tha that's all folks.
Mary. How do I explain Mary. I have never met another woman like her. I admire her strength, wisdom and her wit is astounding. Her general caring for everything around her and for everyone and hopes for a better world is something everyone should take the time to listen to. Drinking coffee and laughing at the most ridiculous while also discussing subjects of substance never fail to entertain me. Our children play wonderfully together and Breanna says that Violet is her best friend too. She knows everything about me and always takes the time to listen as well as giving good advice and blunt truths. She works hard and takes on a lot of responsibility for her school and family.
I love them both to bits and couldn't ask for better ladies around to call them friends. Both I can depend on and I hope they feel they can with me. If I am having a horrible day and call one or the other both never cease to cheer me up and enlighten me. I need to visit them soon.
I miss E. Whenever something funny happens at work or if I see a car that looked similar to his, I find myself forgetting he is gone and get excited...then sad after remembering its not him. I am one to laugh easily anyway...but no one could make me laugh all day long like he could. Even though he didn't talk about himself much, he always took time to listen to me and give advice or blunt truths of a situation. I miss talking about music and movies. I miss just being goofy and feeling...free around him. I felt like I could be my strange self around him and that isn't something I feel I can be around with very many people. He made me want to be better, look better ( I wore more dresses and makeup these past 2 years than I have in my entire life ) and feel better about life. Most of all. I just miss him and all that came with him. I love him and hope all is going well in Florida.
Tonight I am hoping attending a comedy show for the first time since he moved if I can find a sitter for my kids. I look forward to it but also know it is going to be awkward with him not there. Speaking of which...here is one of E's sets before he moved. It was called "Puppies and Porn" I was at this set and he did wonderfully. This wasn't long after he first started doing stand up and some of these jokes never fail to still crack me up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
I guess that is all for today. Tha tha tha tha that's all folks.
Monday, April 23, 2012
My mom
I went to spend the day with my mother yesterday. My mom is a great woman full of strength, good advice and humor. During these visits we sit, have coffee, smoke cigarettes and just discuss life and what is happening in it. We play with my kids and sometimes play cards. I am happy to say that along with being my mom, she is also my friend. I can talk to her about anything if I want to. I don't because I'm afraid of hurting her, but I can if I want to without worry of being judged. She knows everything about me except for a couple of things, one of which already mentioned in an earlier blog. Most of my friends love her too and enjoy talking to her, and she likes most of them as well.
We rely on each other a lot. I'm the only one out of my siblings that lives close or actually takes the time to visit with her. She is the only one I trust with my kids as a babysitter. If one needs something, the other tries their best to provide it.
During this particular visit, my mom seems down and out. She hasn't been well lately and a couple of months ago broke her knee which has caused her to not be able to do things she enjoys doing or do for herself too much. Since January I have went over once a week to help clean and do her laundry to make things easier on her. This day seemed a bit deeper than just not feeling well so I asked her what was wrong. She becomes quiet and I thought for the first time in my life, my mom looks old.
She is 68. But she is so vibrant and goofy and younger looking she could pass easily for her late 40's early 50's. I've never honestly thought of my mom as a "senior citizen" and she certainly never acted like one. It occurred to me that I may not have my mom that much longer. She is at the age when anything can happen to your health if you don't look after it.
Age was exactly what was bothering my mom. She looked at me and told me she was scared and hurt. Scared because she is growing older and hurt that her older children don't come see her and rarely call her. She barely knows her 7 other grandchildren and she doesn't want to die. I feel saddened for my mom. I wasn't really sure of what to say regarding my sisters and my brother. As for her health I told her she is doing all that she can do for it and as long as she does there shouldn't be any problems and most of all...The kids and I were here for her. I hate seeing my mom upset. Its a losing empty feeling that I'm sure she feels whenever she sees me down and out.
My siblings piss me off. I'm 27 years old. Our mom was always a good mom to me and they have always said she was a good mom to them growing up. They dealt with other things than I did. They saw more shit happen that was before my time because they are much older than I, but that doesn't have anything to do with the type of mother my mom was to them. If she was a good one to you, why do you have no contact with her? When I was a kid my sisters and brother were all on their own by the time I was 5. I was an aunt by the time I was 3. In 15 years, I can recall my mom making an effort to make trips to visit her other children and grandchildren at least a couple of times a year. All visits were nice and cheery. Tears would roll when we would leave and words of love you and missing you were always said. My sisters have never made trips to come visit our mother except if someone died in our area. My brother lives literally BLOCKS away and never makes an attempt to go see her just to say "hello mom I love you" So I don't understand them. All I know is in the end...they are going to regret it when our mother is gone and I find it sad that my mom is going to die thinking her other children hate her for reasons unknown.
So with that...I make an effort to be a good daughter to my mom despite her job being done as a mom. I will always want and need my mom...long after she is gone. Hopefully she will still be around whenever both of my kids graduate. I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons along this line. Mom has been here through everything major they have went through, having babies, grandchildren graduations, marriage of some of them, great grandbabies even. I want my mom there for all this and for her to see it happen, not call her about it. They squandered their adulthood with her. I wonder if they even feel bad about it and what they have possibly told their children about her. They have a grandmother they barely know that could have brought as much joy in their lives as she does my children. They could have brought more joy into my mothers. It angers me.
After consoling her and talking of life I hugged my mom. I let her know that she means the world to me and although I'm not the rest of my siblings and could never take the place of all of them, that I'm not going anywhere and she is needed in mine and my children's life. That I wouldn't have it any other way. And that I love her.
We rely on each other a lot. I'm the only one out of my siblings that lives close or actually takes the time to visit with her. She is the only one I trust with my kids as a babysitter. If one needs something, the other tries their best to provide it.
During this particular visit, my mom seems down and out. She hasn't been well lately and a couple of months ago broke her knee which has caused her to not be able to do things she enjoys doing or do for herself too much. Since January I have went over once a week to help clean and do her laundry to make things easier on her. This day seemed a bit deeper than just not feeling well so I asked her what was wrong. She becomes quiet and I thought for the first time in my life, my mom looks old.
She is 68. But she is so vibrant and goofy and younger looking she could pass easily for her late 40's early 50's. I've never honestly thought of my mom as a "senior citizen" and she certainly never acted like one. It occurred to me that I may not have my mom that much longer. She is at the age when anything can happen to your health if you don't look after it.
Age was exactly what was bothering my mom. She looked at me and told me she was scared and hurt. Scared because she is growing older and hurt that her older children don't come see her and rarely call her. She barely knows her 7 other grandchildren and she doesn't want to die. I feel saddened for my mom. I wasn't really sure of what to say regarding my sisters and my brother. As for her health I told her she is doing all that she can do for it and as long as she does there shouldn't be any problems and most of all...The kids and I were here for her. I hate seeing my mom upset. Its a losing empty feeling that I'm sure she feels whenever she sees me down and out.
My siblings piss me off. I'm 27 years old. Our mom was always a good mom to me and they have always said she was a good mom to them growing up. They dealt with other things than I did. They saw more shit happen that was before my time because they are much older than I, but that doesn't have anything to do with the type of mother my mom was to them. If she was a good one to you, why do you have no contact with her? When I was a kid my sisters and brother were all on their own by the time I was 5. I was an aunt by the time I was 3. In 15 years, I can recall my mom making an effort to make trips to visit her other children and grandchildren at least a couple of times a year. All visits were nice and cheery. Tears would roll when we would leave and words of love you and missing you were always said. My sisters have never made trips to come visit our mother except if someone died in our area. My brother lives literally BLOCKS away and never makes an attempt to go see her just to say "hello mom I love you" So I don't understand them. All I know is in the end...they are going to regret it when our mother is gone and I find it sad that my mom is going to die thinking her other children hate her for reasons unknown.
So with that...I make an effort to be a good daughter to my mom despite her job being done as a mom. I will always want and need my mom...long after she is gone. Hopefully she will still be around whenever both of my kids graduate. I'm angry at my siblings for many reasons along this line. Mom has been here through everything major they have went through, having babies, grandchildren graduations, marriage of some of them, great grandbabies even. I want my mom there for all this and for her to see it happen, not call her about it. They squandered their adulthood with her. I wonder if they even feel bad about it and what they have possibly told their children about her. They have a grandmother they barely know that could have brought as much joy in their lives as she does my children. They could have brought more joy into my mothers. It angers me.
After consoling her and talking of life I hugged my mom. I let her know that she means the world to me and although I'm not the rest of my siblings and could never take the place of all of them, that I'm not going anywhere and she is needed in mine and my children's life. That I wouldn't have it any other way. And that I love her.
Guilt and Mark.
I had posted about some skeletons in my past. Some of those were admitting I'm not innocent when it comes to sex. I had made claims before that I didn't sleep around that much before I was with Mark to my friends and family. I regret making those claims. It makes me to be a liar...something I'm not. A lot of those are just times I don't "count" as They were very shameful to me so I never spoke of them. My experience I've learned isn't..terrible. It doesn't make me a whore. Just an ignorant child. In the 12 years Mark and I dated I never cheated on him, he was an amazing lover so I didn't feel the need to like many people I know that have after being with someone for so long. I also loved Mark unconditionally and could see myself with no other. I admit we "included" others out of fun and experimenting. When you are with someone for so long you tend to find new ways of pleasing the other and 3 somes were part of that. It wasn't something that occurred often and it is definitely something I don't regret. I will continue this in a few...
When we were at our worst, I found myself thinking of trying to find ways out. I know that sounds bad. Honestly, Mark is not a bad man at all. He was just a man that like myself now, felt like he was drowning. Instead of finding help or asking for it, he resorted to drinking and keeping within himself so much that we at times wouldn't say a word to the other for weeks. He felt like he had no friends to talk to. He explained that the thoughts inside of his brain and the moods he would go through were like just flipping through the pages of a very big book. He felt like he had no control so he would just stay to himself in attempts to try to help himself, when all the while, it was just making it worse. My attempts at conversation would quickly come to an end by glares or silence. He wouldn't step out of the house. He ignored our children, not because he didn't love them or want to play with them...but because he felt like he couldn't. There were times I swear it seemed like he didn't move from the left side of the couch. He would hide away in our bedroom for hours. I would try to see what was wrong, cheer him up, suggest going out and doing something or hell even offer sex just to try to make him feel better enough to spend some sort of time with us. Some days he would just be angry. Other days I would see him to the point of tears. Others....he just existed. It was heart retching to explain to Breanna why daddy didn't want to play or talk to her. His bi polar was tearing our family apart.
I tried to be understanding and stand by him through the thickness of this situation. I would beg him to please get help, and medication. (Mark was on medication for a while and suddenly stopped taking it, this made things much worse )After some time however he progressed to taking it out on me through arguments that were petty. On nights he was drinking I learned to just stay away or else things would get bad. The arguments we would have rocked our house if I didn't just stay away. Some nights he would take off walking and I feared he would commit suicide or get into a fight on purpose. I have no idea really what would trigger his mood swings so bad while he was drunk. One minute he would be fine and the next...well...completely the opposite. He would be upset or angry and rant about the world and the things that were shitty in it.
There came a point that the only time he talked to me was when he would be venting about these subjects or if he wanted sex. I felt used for a long time as someone that merely took care of 2 kids and an adult. I felt used for sex. I felt used period. And after while....I stayed angry. I'm not innocent in our problems. I would come home to a nasty house after spending all day making it fit the day before and go off about it. I would go off on him being lazy and not doing anything for himself or our children. I would go off on feeling used. Anger was slowly turning into hatred. And I let it show.
Within the time period after Mark when off meds and things were at its worse with him being depressed and angry, we had a few physical fights when he was drinking. The first time wasn't bad. It hurt my pride more than anything. I tried to stop him from drinking because he already had enough. He was obliterated and hostile. I took the beer out of his hand and the next thing I knew he grabbed me and started hitting me. I made him leave. He didn't hurt me that much, like I said it was mostly pride and the feeling of utter sadness that someone you love and is supposed to love you back tried to hurt you. He left for a week to stay with his parents. After begging and pleading, promises and apologies, I let him come back. After all, I loved him. I knew the kind of man he was and also the depression and anguish that was consuming him that was turning him into someone he wasn't. Before this rut he was in, Mark would never have hurt a fly...let alone someone he loved. He was a hard worker. He pulled his weight around the house and showed me unconditional love and caring. This drunken, depressed and broken man was not the man I loved and I knew that. So knowing this, we tried again.
Things were ok for a a bit. He was trying. He still wasn't getting help so slowly he started sinking again. He slowly started drinking again. He slowly started drinking A LOT again. Things slowly became worse than they ever were. 6 months after the first time he hit me, He did again. This time in front of our children. This time he actually tried to hurt me and wasn't holding back. This time, I didn't hold back either. I fought back and honestly hurt him more than he did me. This time, I put him in jail. I also filed charges and ordered a DVP. This time, Mark had a true wake up call.
Anger and sadness about the man I loved took over. I dwelled on things that maybe I did, things maybe I could have changed and for possibly being the cause of his rock bottom. I became angry at myself for thinking this. How could he treat me this way? I've done and sacrificed everything for this man. How could things get so bad so quickly? We were together 12 years. Not all was ever always happy. We have always had struggles and got through them but never took it out on each other or had anger towards the other. How did the past year become so terrible? What went wrong? These questions would eat at me. I became angry and depressed and for the first time in 12 years, I acted on impulse and slept with another man while Mark was in jail. I thought maybe revenge. I also wanted to feel wanted for even a moment. I wanted someone that wasn't him. This man will not be mentioned in my blog, he is a friend and we did each other a favor. We are still friends and it isn't mentioned. Although Mark and I were no longer in my eyes when I did this...I feel guilty over it. I feel like I cheated on him. 6 months have almost went by since that time and I still haven't slept with Mark (we aren't together so I won't...I know it would lead into being a couple again) or anyone else. I feel dirty. I feel not good enough to deserve to have the pleasures of the flesh. I haven't told Mark although many times I have wanted to and come close to it. Hopefully one day I can get up the gall to do it and I will feel better about him knowing. This is the first and only thing I have ever kept from him and I don't like it. Even now and we are only friends, I still tell him everything. He knows about my love for E, something he has never said anything bad about and has even consoled me over. He likes E and even stated if I was to be with anyone at least he had comfort in mind it was a good guy that treats everyone with respect and caring. This fact makes me feel like...shit. It also makes me feel shitty for not admitting I slept with someone since Mark to the ones closest to me including E. This again..makes me feel like a liar.
Since being out of jail and separated (he lived with his aunt for a couple of months) Mark has done...wonderfully. He almost seems like his old self. He is caring and loving again. He is working, helping with the house and pulling his weight with the kids (we had a few hiccups like the school attendance thing...but nothing huge) He is getting out more and starting to make friends and see old ones again. He has been going to therapy and is on medication that is working splendidly for him. He is almost the man I loved. I am very proud of him. I feel guilty despite his efforts as of late, I still don't want to be with him. I feel its too soon. I fear it may go back to the way things once were. I love him very much...I always will, but I no longer see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with as my husband. He will always be in my life as a beloved and dear friend as I couldn't see a life without him. This...again make me feel guilty and shitty. He feels as though his efforts are for nothing even though it was clearly stated in the beginning on his path to wellness that I would no longer be his wife. Part of me wants my feelings to change. I've let him move in again because its easier for the both of us.I would have thought my feelings for him would change with him being back and I would want to be with him again, but they haven't. I'm not sure if they will. I would like to see him start dating, but he won't. I would like to do the same, but I fear breaking him. It's a no win.
Earlier in the blog I was speaking of sex, regrets ect. I have regrets of some of my past experiences and my more recent sexual escapade with my friend. I don't regret having it, but the situations or feelings involved at the time they happened. I was either angry, upset and under some sort of influence whether it be alcohol or drugs. This is...risky. My actions could have gotten me hurt ( something I should be more wise about considered my childhood abuse) I could have gotten some sort of disease or illness. Thankfully, that has never happened. I don't deny being a sexual creature. I like it, love it. I please you, you please me kind of person. I have a very open mind and will try just about anything. Getting off is fun...and it feels good. That being said some of my regrets is thinking that if it feels good.....how could it be bad if you and the person you are with at the time are willing? This kind of thinking would make me think of my rapes. Why did they do this? Was it because they liked it and thought it was ok? Is there something wrong with me now for liking sex even after my horrible experiences? Did I deserve to be hurt then because of how I am now? Was it my fault?
These questions still occur. I know I am not at fault for their actions. I know they are questions of insecurity. But I ask them anyway. In more recent days I have found myself not wanting to be this way anymore which is frustrating. I still like it and want it. But since November I have found shame in it. I want to, but fear guilt that would come with it. I wonder what people think of me. As stated in another post...I need therapy.
I have found blogging to be a good therapy for me. I feel more at ease getting some of this shit out of my brain. When not on here I take my children and get out of the house. I hang out with my friends and family. Mark and I get along fine and do stuff together as well with the kids. I try to find laughter in my life. Things seem to be slowly...becoming ok. Time will tell and maybe the current rut I myself have been in will slowly diminish.
I still miss E terribly. I've talked to him a couple of times and he seems to be doing alright. I am happy to hear he found a job and his first comedy show is coming up very soon this week. It brings me a bit of joy to hear of him doing well and moving forward to better his life. I can't wait to hear how his show went. I'm sure it will go great and he will bring many laughs to many people. I wish I could be there to see it and support him but since I can't...I will be sitting right here cheering him on from home.
When we were at our worst, I found myself thinking of trying to find ways out. I know that sounds bad. Honestly, Mark is not a bad man at all. He was just a man that like myself now, felt like he was drowning. Instead of finding help or asking for it, he resorted to drinking and keeping within himself so much that we at times wouldn't say a word to the other for weeks. He felt like he had no friends to talk to. He explained that the thoughts inside of his brain and the moods he would go through were like just flipping through the pages of a very big book. He felt like he had no control so he would just stay to himself in attempts to try to help himself, when all the while, it was just making it worse. My attempts at conversation would quickly come to an end by glares or silence. He wouldn't step out of the house. He ignored our children, not because he didn't love them or want to play with them...but because he felt like he couldn't. There were times I swear it seemed like he didn't move from the left side of the couch. He would hide away in our bedroom for hours. I would try to see what was wrong, cheer him up, suggest going out and doing something or hell even offer sex just to try to make him feel better enough to spend some sort of time with us. Some days he would just be angry. Other days I would see him to the point of tears. Others....he just existed. It was heart retching to explain to Breanna why daddy didn't want to play or talk to her. His bi polar was tearing our family apart.
I tried to be understanding and stand by him through the thickness of this situation. I would beg him to please get help, and medication. (Mark was on medication for a while and suddenly stopped taking it, this made things much worse )After some time however he progressed to taking it out on me through arguments that were petty. On nights he was drinking I learned to just stay away or else things would get bad. The arguments we would have rocked our house if I didn't just stay away. Some nights he would take off walking and I feared he would commit suicide or get into a fight on purpose. I have no idea really what would trigger his mood swings so bad while he was drunk. One minute he would be fine and the next...well...completely the opposite. He would be upset or angry and rant about the world and the things that were shitty in it.
There came a point that the only time he talked to me was when he would be venting about these subjects or if he wanted sex. I felt used for a long time as someone that merely took care of 2 kids and an adult. I felt used for sex. I felt used period. And after while....I stayed angry. I'm not innocent in our problems. I would come home to a nasty house after spending all day making it fit the day before and go off about it. I would go off on him being lazy and not doing anything for himself or our children. I would go off on feeling used. Anger was slowly turning into hatred. And I let it show.
Within the time period after Mark when off meds and things were at its worse with him being depressed and angry, we had a few physical fights when he was drinking. The first time wasn't bad. It hurt my pride more than anything. I tried to stop him from drinking because he already had enough. He was obliterated and hostile. I took the beer out of his hand and the next thing I knew he grabbed me and started hitting me. I made him leave. He didn't hurt me that much, like I said it was mostly pride and the feeling of utter sadness that someone you love and is supposed to love you back tried to hurt you. He left for a week to stay with his parents. After begging and pleading, promises and apologies, I let him come back. After all, I loved him. I knew the kind of man he was and also the depression and anguish that was consuming him that was turning him into someone he wasn't. Before this rut he was in, Mark would never have hurt a fly...let alone someone he loved. He was a hard worker. He pulled his weight around the house and showed me unconditional love and caring. This drunken, depressed and broken man was not the man I loved and I knew that. So knowing this, we tried again.
Things were ok for a a bit. He was trying. He still wasn't getting help so slowly he started sinking again. He slowly started drinking again. He slowly started drinking A LOT again. Things slowly became worse than they ever were. 6 months after the first time he hit me, He did again. This time in front of our children. This time he actually tried to hurt me and wasn't holding back. This time, I didn't hold back either. I fought back and honestly hurt him more than he did me. This time, I put him in jail. I also filed charges and ordered a DVP. This time, Mark had a true wake up call.
Anger and sadness about the man I loved took over. I dwelled on things that maybe I did, things maybe I could have changed and for possibly being the cause of his rock bottom. I became angry at myself for thinking this. How could he treat me this way? I've done and sacrificed everything for this man. How could things get so bad so quickly? We were together 12 years. Not all was ever always happy. We have always had struggles and got through them but never took it out on each other or had anger towards the other. How did the past year become so terrible? What went wrong? These questions would eat at me. I became angry and depressed and for the first time in 12 years, I acted on impulse and slept with another man while Mark was in jail. I thought maybe revenge. I also wanted to feel wanted for even a moment. I wanted someone that wasn't him. This man will not be mentioned in my blog, he is a friend and we did each other a favor. We are still friends and it isn't mentioned. Although Mark and I were no longer in my eyes when I did this...I feel guilty over it. I feel like I cheated on him. 6 months have almost went by since that time and I still haven't slept with Mark (we aren't together so I won't...I know it would lead into being a couple again) or anyone else. I feel dirty. I feel not good enough to deserve to have the pleasures of the flesh. I haven't told Mark although many times I have wanted to and come close to it. Hopefully one day I can get up the gall to do it and I will feel better about him knowing. This is the first and only thing I have ever kept from him and I don't like it. Even now and we are only friends, I still tell him everything. He knows about my love for E, something he has never said anything bad about and has even consoled me over. He likes E and even stated if I was to be with anyone at least he had comfort in mind it was a good guy that treats everyone with respect and caring. This fact makes me feel like...shit. It also makes me feel shitty for not admitting I slept with someone since Mark to the ones closest to me including E. This again..makes me feel like a liar.
Since being out of jail and separated (he lived with his aunt for a couple of months) Mark has done...wonderfully. He almost seems like his old self. He is caring and loving again. He is working, helping with the house and pulling his weight with the kids (we had a few hiccups like the school attendance thing...but nothing huge) He is getting out more and starting to make friends and see old ones again. He has been going to therapy and is on medication that is working splendidly for him. He is almost the man I loved. I am very proud of him. I feel guilty despite his efforts as of late, I still don't want to be with him. I feel its too soon. I fear it may go back to the way things once were. I love him very much...I always will, but I no longer see him as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with as my husband. He will always be in my life as a beloved and dear friend as I couldn't see a life without him. This...again make me feel guilty and shitty. He feels as though his efforts are for nothing even though it was clearly stated in the beginning on his path to wellness that I would no longer be his wife. Part of me wants my feelings to change. I've let him move in again because its easier for the both of us.I would have thought my feelings for him would change with him being back and I would want to be with him again, but they haven't. I'm not sure if they will. I would like to see him start dating, but he won't. I would like to do the same, but I fear breaking him. It's a no win.
Earlier in the blog I was speaking of sex, regrets ect. I have regrets of some of my past experiences and my more recent sexual escapade with my friend. I don't regret having it, but the situations or feelings involved at the time they happened. I was either angry, upset and under some sort of influence whether it be alcohol or drugs. This is...risky. My actions could have gotten me hurt ( something I should be more wise about considered my childhood abuse) I could have gotten some sort of disease or illness. Thankfully, that has never happened. I don't deny being a sexual creature. I like it, love it. I please you, you please me kind of person. I have a very open mind and will try just about anything. Getting off is fun...and it feels good. That being said some of my regrets is thinking that if it feels good.....how could it be bad if you and the person you are with at the time are willing? This kind of thinking would make me think of my rapes. Why did they do this? Was it because they liked it and thought it was ok? Is there something wrong with me now for liking sex even after my horrible experiences? Did I deserve to be hurt then because of how I am now? Was it my fault?
These questions still occur. I know I am not at fault for their actions. I know they are questions of insecurity. But I ask them anyway. In more recent days I have found myself not wanting to be this way anymore which is frustrating. I still like it and want it. But since November I have found shame in it. I want to, but fear guilt that would come with it. I wonder what people think of me. As stated in another post...I need therapy.
I have found blogging to be a good therapy for me. I feel more at ease getting some of this shit out of my brain. When not on here I take my children and get out of the house. I hang out with my friends and family. Mark and I get along fine and do stuff together as well with the kids. I try to find laughter in my life. Things seem to be slowly...becoming ok. Time will tell and maybe the current rut I myself have been in will slowly diminish.
I still miss E terribly. I've talked to him a couple of times and he seems to be doing alright. I am happy to hear he found a job and his first comedy show is coming up very soon this week. It brings me a bit of joy to hear of him doing well and moving forward to better his life. I can't wait to hear how his show went. I'm sure it will go great and he will bring many laughs to many people. I wish I could be there to see it and support him but since I can't...I will be sitting right here cheering him on from home.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Breathe.
Today is better. I got up early and went into work to do some stuff I wasn't able to get done during normal working hours. I tend to do this often because I don't want to be bothered by customer while trying to get stuff done. It ends up being less stress in my life and an excuse to also just get out of the house to laugh with my co workers. I cleaned shelves and talked about inappropriate subjects with Tammy and Anthony. Twas fun and I love them to bits. I can honestly say that although Go Mart can be a pain. I love my job and the people I work with. I have made good friends while there including E himself and enjoy what I do for the most part. I'm just now starting to get used to the idea of E never being there when I come in. When ever I work with someone that doesn't know how to entertain me or is lame I find myself missing him a lot. We both used to listen to a lot of music or comedy, I still do this..but after a while I turn it off. My Pandora has a habit now of playing a lot of songs he would listen to..which is weird because before it would only play shit we both didn't like. It amuses me a bit before I become sad. After I get over it I turn it back on and enjoy it again. I still would like a new place to work, but maybe it will be ok after some time. Its a process.
I talked to him last night and today. I feel better knowing he is just being him, not angry with me like I ignorantly thought. Thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions has always been a bad habit of mine. I'm working on it. Needless to say I feel much better. :) I miss and love him dearly.
Mark had the idea today that we should take the kids out even though its cold. We are taking them to Micky D's play place...somewhere I actually hate but the kids love. Its a win. I only hate it cause I want to play and I really am too big to. That sucks.
I'm breathing. I'm somewhat healthy. I'm alive and my children are fine. Positivity.
I talked to him last night and today. I feel better knowing he is just being him, not angry with me like I ignorantly thought. Thinking the worst and jumping to conclusions has always been a bad habit of mine. I'm working on it. Needless to say I feel much better. :) I miss and love him dearly.
Mark had the idea today that we should take the kids out even though its cold. We are taking them to Micky D's play place...somewhere I actually hate but the kids love. Its a win. I only hate it cause I want to play and I really am too big to. That sucks.
I'm breathing. I'm somewhat healthy. I'm alive and my children are fine. Positivity.
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