Skeletons

This is a list of things I think about in the night that keep me awake.  I try to keep moving forward and not think about them.  But I do anyway.  Most are things I don't talk about even to people close to me.  Hence the title.

When I was nine I was molested and raped by my grandfather on new years eve.  There were 2 twin sized beds in my bedroom at the time so he slept in there.  This is one of the times I wished I would have listened to my mom and wasn't a brat.  She told me to sleep with her that night almost as if she knew.  Instead because I was 9 and excited for my beloved pawpaw to stay the night, I slept in my room only to awaken later in the night with his hands down my pants.  I screamed, he threw a hand over my mouth and continued to do whatever it was he had in mind.  Afterwards I ran into my mother's room sobbing.  I curled up in her bed and the shakes I was having even though I was trying my best to be quiet through my sobs woke her up.  She immediately asked me what was wrong, took one look at me and left the room to confront my grandfather.
She made him leave.  What bothers me the most about this is the fact other than making him leave that night and consoling me...mom never really did anything about it.  After a few months, he came back for visits.  When this would happen I would go stay the night else where.  I never talked to him again the rest of my life.  I am still angry about my mom never really doing anything about what had happened.  If it were me and one of my kids were touched by anyone..no matter who it was....That person would have no legs left after the beating that would be bestrode upon them.  Years later in a drunken state my mom had a breakdown about it.  She admitted she felt terrible about what happened and that she did the same thing her mother did.  I guess I wasn't my grandfathers first victim.  She said she has never forgiven herself for not doing anything and knows that it bothers me.  It still does even though she had the break through...I just don't let her know it does.   

That being told, although I have very close family members...the rest is very dysfunctional.  I stay away from them.  It bothers me some of the stories I have heard of lies, sex, and just back stabbing deceitfulness.  I have always wished for a "normal" family.  One I could honestly rely on that goes further than my mom.

When I was 14 I was raped at a party a friend was throwing.  This was in the beginning stages of teenage sneaky experimental drinking.  My sister didn't know where I was and the party being thrown was at a guys house whose parents were out of town.  My best friend at the time was the only person I knew there and she was so drunk she couldn't speak or see.  I stupidly went off alone...to be alone.  I was drunk myself, insecure and dumb.  A guy I had met earlier saw this...come to talk to me.  He kissed me. I admit to liking it, but my inner gut told me I shouldn't be alone.  I say something about needing to find my friend and he grabs my arm.  Those are enough details.  I went home that night and received being cussed out by my sister for being drunk and late.  I ended up being grounded.  I never told her I was raped.  I never told my mom.

A couple of months later after I got over that night. I started dating for the first time.  I lost my virginity to a guy I was seeing.  My sister found out. I was called a slut.  I thought to myself...maybe I am one because of the few hellish times I went through.  Maybe I am one for enjoying my first round that I gave permission to.( and I did ) I starting sleeping around a lot for someone my age...well at the time it was considered a lot. I'm not sure about today's standards.  By the time I was 15 I had met Mark and I had already slept with 10 guys and 8 chicks.  Some of these bother me because of how they happened and how easy it was to just fuck someone..even someone you didn't know and not care. My morals since then have went up highly and I'm almost prude.

My father was never around until I was an adult.  I remember crying for him as a child and he would never come.  My mom always spoke badly of him.  I now know why.  He had an affair with my oldest sister.  She wasn't his daughter and he didn't raise her and she was of age so I guess in his eyes that was justified.  My mom was pretty broken over it and I can only imagine being her.  My oldest sister is now a crackhead and never comes around...her and my mother never got along.  I can only imagine the things that have been spoken of between them and the hurtful words that were thrown back and forth.  I never knew her..she is much older than I am and honestly was a rape victims baby.  I wonder if that had something to do with my moms relationship with her being not so great.  I also wonder if Vera was innocent when it came to my father.  I also wonder who raped my mother....
Now as an adult my father tries to be in my life...our relationship is..disconnect and more of a business one.  I care about him a lot...he seems to care about me and my kids too.  But we don't have that father daughter relationship.  I am angry at him for never being there and for my mother.  

My mom is a lesbian.  That doesn't bother me in the least.  It bothers her and all she has went through in her entire life.  She is a strong woman..but she has been through hell to be as strong as she is.  For years she was a severe alcoholic.  I can recall many nights she would come home drunk.  Many of them she was in a rage.  Never took it out on me really.  A few times but not many and never physically.  Many nights she would just cry.  Most nights I took care of her.  I felt like an adult for most of my life now.  She is now a recovering one.  She hasn't had a drink in 3 years and I am proud of her.

I was a straight A student that quit school.  Over a boy because he didn't finish either.  There are many things I should have done differently or opportunities I should have taken but didn't because of Mark.  You would have thought I didn't have a mind of my own to make decisions for myself.  If he didn't like something or didn't want to do it or couldn't....I didn't want to either.  I was very stupid.  I was a very good singer and a mediocre piano player.  I was doing competitions and theater.  I loved high school itself because it was a breath of fresh air from grade school.  Mark didn't like people so would never attend.  He couldn't go to school and was always down on himself not going.  So I stopped.  Everything.  For him.  Now a days I feel so insecure with myself I can't even sing in front of him..let alone other people.  Once again.  I was a stupid woman.  I wish I could turn back the clock not so I would not have never had met him...but to tell him I was going to do these things and hopefully he wanted to better himself too.  Mark being mentioned,  we have been through a lot together.  12 years of horrible family problems on his side, financial instability, drugs, alcoholism, brutal arguments and physical fights.  I love him, but I stay angry at him.  This is the reason I don't want to be with him.  I want to do what I can for him to make his life easier because I care.  I feel guilty for things I've said in the past. I feel guilty for sleeping with someone just this past November out of anger while he was in jail for the last fight we had.  I feel guilty for that one a lot although we were split up.  Yea...that happened.  And this is the first time I've spoken of it outside of my best friend.  And...it wasn't who you think it would be....
I would have thought writing about it would make me feel better...it doesn't.

In my earlier school days I was very shy and awkward.  I was very insecure and no one thought of me pretty.  High school wasn't so bad I had found my place a bit better by then...but before hand, man it was a nightmare.  I was picked on a lot. My nickname was Ina Vagina and thanked the heavens when I moved from wayne.  It sucked.  Some relief I had was some students admired how well I could draw or sing and the fact I was at that time considered intelligent.  I did a lot of kids homework for some peace.  I learned to please people early on by doing things for them or offering to help.  This hasn't changed much.  Why I am still like this as an adult...well...I want that answer too.  I am way more opinionated and upfront than I was when I was a kid.  There is no reason to be shy, awkward, insecure and most of all trying to please to be accepted as an adult.  Thats just dumb.  As a mom now and remembering how my school days were...I am exceptionally critical about how Breanna looks when she goes to school.  Her hair is to be well kept, brushed and her clothes clean and of course name brand.  Breanna of course is a pretty little girl...but the thing she has going for her that I didn't...she is already opinionated and out going.  Her school experience is already better than mine was.

My brother has the highest form of Autism. Bad as it sounds...I fear taking care of him when my parents are gone.  Our sisters won't...they have too much on their plates.  Not that I don't love him,  I just know its going to be hard.  I feel guilty that earlier in my life..and sometimes even now I have felt embarrassed of him.  I admire him in a lot of ways...wish I could sometimes see the world through his eyes.  He can also do amazing things that others can't.  Maybe I'm just jealous.  People piss me off whenever I hear the terms "retard"  or "special" towards those with autism.  Autism sucks....and they will never understand those who have it or go through it.  I have had to take up for my brother my entire life...and he is 14 years older than I.

Being poor. I hate being poor.  I have been my whole life.  Nuff said about that. It sucks not being able to do all you can for your children or others you care about to the extent that you want it to be.

Then...I keep awake feeling guilty over loving someone that isn't Mark...and forlorn-ed that the feeling isn't mutual....

This is enough for today...I could go on...but...I don't have the time to write to the level of Great Expectations.  

Rant.

I can't seem to bring myself up from sinking.  I stay so depressed, down and out that being positive or doing simple things seem so hard.  It seems hard to just wake up and do what I have to do in order to be a fit mom or to go into work. This is all due to my own faults.  I take on a lot for people and care too much about EVERYONE.  This needs to stop.  I am now going to vent about it. Hopefully...it helps.

I seem to be a never ending bank to some.  I work at a gas station.  I manage the income I get wisely because of this reason. I make my income taxes last almost until its time for them again.  I pay my bills, care for my family and still get what I want that is within reason.  I am never...broke.  Too many people know this and take advantage of it.  Me being kind and I never want to see someone go without usually gives in.  I have some people come to me frequently needing money till payday, or needing cigarettes, bills are due or just wanting something bought that they can't afford on a regular basis.  It's not just money either..but maybe help doing something..or it may be something I already have that they want. Yet it seems as though if I need something..even just a conversation or to hang out...they are not available or can't do it.  Just recently I put a stop to this...some of these are family and what I thought were good friends and now they want nothing to do with me and are angry.  I am accused of being heartless and selfish.  Selfish?  Really?  Dude..I've been helping you out constantly and now that I can't because its a problem and fear of being broke and not being able to provide for my family..you are mad?  Fuck you.  I am selfish in ways....but it is definitely not with giving or with money.  It saddens me.

Another that leads into the above is people who only call to talk or hang out is when they want something...not particularly from me..but people I know.  I am used for a middle man to get what they want because my friends or family may have whatever it may be what they are looking for. This is draining for a lot of the same reasons.  If I need something, usually just wanting company or to talk to because I thought we were friends,  they are never available. Imagine that. Once again...I put a stop to it..confront it.  And they are angry.  I am once again being accused of being selfish and cold.  I am tired of always being a go to person for any of these people listing now or above.  If you only call me or want to hang out because you want something from me or someone I know.  You suck.  It saddens me because I thought I had a rather big nice circle of friends going on.  And..I don't.  I've done a lot for some of these people..it sucks to be taken advantage of.

 Speaking of family.  Same thing.  I'm a never ending bank it seems like.  I get guilt trips if I can't help out particularly from my mom and dad.  I love them dearly don't get me wrong and they do a lot for me too. But its draining that when you don't have it and already gave money a week prior to get a guilt trip about not having it.  I usually end up giving it yet again and putting myself and my family in a financial bind until the next payday..and this cycle starts again.  I'm not sure how to put not really a stop but just a thing not occurring as often to this one. My parents both do a lot for me that I am grateful for. My mother babysits when she can and my dad takes me pretty much where I need to go most of the time.  I feel bad telling them no...so I don't.  I honestly just don't understand where their money goes...hell they get paid more than I do. : /

At home I feel like a lot of the time I still have 3 children instead of 2.  Mark has been working and doing better with cleaning and pulling his weight with the kids.  But he is angry about not being a "couple"
He becomes childish when he doesn't receive what he wants..usually something expensive.  this is a problem because we each split the bills and the rest of our checks is our own money.  I get paid more than he does so usually he ends up being broke long before I am.if he wants something and doesn't have the money he mopes around until I'm like fuck I don't care...go get it..heres cash.  Money isn't the main issue.  He mopes around about us not being a couple.  He wants sex and cuddling and closeness..I won't give it to him because I don't want it.  I find it pointless if we aren't together and I don't want to be together.  He says he doesn't want to be with someone else so he isn't going to go looking for it elsewhere.  This will cause awkwardness at home.  This will also cause grudges which in leads to snappiness. This is an everyday occurrence.  Its getting old.  I love him..I don't want to be with him.  I don't want to cast him away so I feel stuck,  I feel like I'm being the nice guy by letting him stay here...try to have a life together with our kids. Am I wrong?  Am I being an asshole?  He can come and do what he pleases.  I would like to see him start trying to get ass elsewhere...he can.  He just doesn't.  Am I being the bad guy here?

I'm lonely.  I want closeness.  But I don't want anyone.  Sucks huh.  

My kids..They are little tornadoes that don't listen lately.  I think most of this is me being down and out thinking such.  I'm not sure.  I feel like all I do is clean and yell at them.  This of course isn't true.  I do stuff with them everyday in effort to be a decent mom, have fun and it helps me to get out of my head being out and about busy with playdates or the park. I've been really hard on myself as a mother...always have been.  I feel like a shitty one.  there have been times I've had unhealthy thoughts of suicide and I think of them. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for them and they deserve better.  That maybe if I wasn't around someone would come in and do a better job than I am at raising them.  Then I feel so guilty thinking these things and honestly angry at the mere thought of someone else being a mom to my babies. I know they would be lost without me and no one else could be the mom I am to them.  They are mine.  I can't imagine life without them...I know they can't without me either.  Suicide then seems silly..and stupid.

Work is draining to me.  But that is what jobs do. I work a lot.  I rarely call off and usually go in when needed.  Nothing really there to write about.  Its not a bad place or bad people.  I just don't enjoy it anymore.

Other than actual situations in my life,  I can't seem to get my own demons from eating the inside of my head.  I think a lot on stupid things, worry over stuff I shouldn't that I know is childish or pointless or really has nothing to do with me.  Example.  It really bothers me that my dad gets taken advantage of by crack whores.  Nothing I can do to change it.  But it bothers me immensely.  I wonder how people look on me knowing this.  Sigh.
The demons inside my head are never ending telling me I'm ugly.  I'm stupid.  That I'm unloved and people find me ignorant. They tell me I'm worthless and a child. That the things I have done in my life are terrible and people hate me over them. I'm not good enough. That I should just die.    

The people who matter in my life.  I am sorry.  You have listened to me or read about me whine, bitch and moan so much lately.  In return I have been so stuck within my own head and life that I haven't really taken the time out to listen to you or be there when you have needed me.  You have tired of hearing me be negative and I don't blame you.  Some of you don't even reply back to my texts or phone calls now.  That being said.  I miss E terribly.  I hope he is busy.  I hope I haven't put him off by my whining.  Part of me thinks that is too late and I have. I haven't heard from him much.  :(    I can't even listen to music anymore without tears rolling. My boss at work has even seen this...pathetic.

Side note.  How can one be so childish and broken over something that never was?  We are amazing friends that loved the other...sure.  But it was never any more than that...that was clear.  I feel like I lost a part of me.  I think about it and become even more depressed because I am being selfish,  I am happy for him and wanting to better his life.  I want to see him succeed. So why am I so down on him not being here?  I need to be more happy for my friend and hope more for him and look forward to the future and seeing him again instead. It sucks when you love someone and it hurts. It sucks more when the feelings aren't exactly mutual.  Maybe I know how Mark feels.  : / 

My best friend probably thinks I am dumb.  Mary.  I'm sorry.  One probably thinks I don't want to be around her due to never calling or coming around because...I'm dumb, Juleah.  I'm sorry.  You guys mean the world to me.  I'll be back soon.

I posted on Facebook that I had been struck in the face.  The thing that struck me is this.
Life is just life.  Not everyone is going to love you like you do them.  Not everyone is going to take on what you take on.  Not everyone is understanding about your situations.  Not everyone cares like you do.  Not everything is going to be perfect and most of the time...its not. People are going to come and go in your life and some will remain it for forever.  I have been down for too long.  I have been depressed and its sucking the life and funny right out of me.  I am not enjoyable to be around anymore.
I need to take time out to reflect on it.  Then.  I need to change it. 


 

National Bad Parenting day??

So today I observed many parents just doing....very stupid things with their children. It all started this morning at work when a woman came in with her 2 children. These kids were bouncing off the walls and she was screaming at them. As a parent myself...I usually keep my opinions to myself because bad days happen and you never know the whole story as an outsider, plus...they aren't my kids. I care about all children and want all to be treated well, but also as a parent it just sometimes sucks when someone puts their nose where it doesn't belong when they just don't know the kind of day you are having. Anyway..this woman was screaming at her children to be quiet, to shut up, to stop running to come here blah blah blah. All this screaming she really isn't doing anything else to disciplin them. She grabs a few junk food items and 3 Mt. Dews. Once again. I try not to judge. I've been there on the go and all that has been on hand was crap food to feed your kids. One thing I don't give them is pop. I feel its bad for kids and most places usually have some form of juice on hand, but I could care less what people normally let their kids have or don't have. Its none of my business. This woman is still screaming at her kids then turns around to me calling them filrthy brats and she can't believe how they are acting. All they do is what they want and don't care about her, they don't listen to anything she has to say.
The thing that bothered me was she was complaining so much about her children right there in front of them while not doing anything about their behavior in a public place. Um. Lady. Hello. If your children are THAT hyper, the last thing they need is pop...let alone My Dew. They also don't need sugar..on top of Mt Dew. That probably is part of the reason they are so wiry. Another would be your tactics in parenting and discipline. Lay down the fucking law man. You have to otherwise....yea...you would be bitching and stressed out in public. I felt bad for these kids to have such a childish and cold mom. Its a shame I see it everyday.

Second observation took place at the kids doctor's office. While waiting in the waiting room, this woman comes in with her little boy. She not only looked stoned, but also looked as though she has just gotten back from working with a pimp. Once again. I try not to judge. I don't care what people wear...its an identity and everyone has their own style. Not my place to judge when I dress oddly myself. But this woman had on a skirt that didn't even cover half of her ass. You could clearly see her light blue underwear. Did I mention that she had either one...leaked through while menstrating or two just didn't care or realize she has started her rag? It was plainly...everywhere on herself. Side note. She didn't have to bend over what so ever for others to see this either. I felt bad for her kid. The example set for him is blurred already about women in my eyes. I can't fathom going out in public this way. I'm pretty modest except for some cleavage showing. The lack of morals and self respect in society today scares me.

Last but not least, on the journey home from the doctors I witnessed a couple walking together on the sidewalk beside one of the busiest streets in town....while their toddler (2 MAYBE 3 years old) walking nearly 10 feet behind them. They turn around and yell at him to hurry up.
WTF? Really? What if the kid wondered into the street? What if someone stopped and grabbed him? What if he fell and simply got hurt? Would they have kept walking? How often does this kid get left alone or unattended while at home? Once again. I felt for this child. My kids are ALWAYS by my side when we are out and about. If walking Lucian is always in a stroller while Breanna holds onto the handle. If there is no stroller I have each babies hand. This one..I will judge..highly. If you can't keep your kid around..basically asking for something bad to happen, then you don't need fucking kids. Period.

That is my rant for the day. The rest of my day went normally. Work, doc appointments...life.

I wonder if he misses me. I miss him. A lot :( I still feel broken.

I'm just here

This week has went badly. Monday was a day full of running late being busy and dealing with stupid shit that is uncalled for. I take Breanna to school before work because of a parent teacher meeting specifically asked for me to attend. I don't mind, but usually Mark is the one to go since he is the one that takes her to and from school due to my working hours. They inform me that Breanna is going to school MAYBE twice a week and they were wondering if things were ok at home or if she has an illness they are unaware of. I'm now furious for 2 reasons. One. Mark hasn't been taking her to school. I am at work before she is due to school and get off an hour after she gets home. When I come home it looks as though she went to school, is fully dressed and hyper. Mark has not informed me of most of her absences because...he was too damned lazy to take her. Two. I ask Breanna everyday how school is. She tells me its fine and even tells me about projects. I don't know whether she is now lying to me or if she is just recalling days she HAS went.
This has caused me to now turn into a cunt. The past couple of days I have called to make sure he is up and taking her and picking her up. I feel like I have 3 kids instead of 2. Sigh.

Other than school controversy with Mark ...things have been great with the kids. They tend to get very hyper which can cause me to be stressed. But I deal. Hey...they are kids right? Most of the stuff they do amazes me or I find it hilarious. Win.

Work itself has been routine. I don't enjoy it like I used to since E has moved. I'm just there now. I talk to my co workers and laugh at things with them...but it isn't the same. Mostly I work with our boss, which is cool shes an alright lady. But that being said I'm by myself a lot just getting stuff done that I have to do. I've been offered management, said I would take it, but honestly....I want a new job. I've always been one that if my atmosphere at a work place wasn't enjoyable....I don't stick around too long. Its now at that point.

Speaking of E. I miss him terribly. I've only talked to him online briefly a couple of times or through texts. I can't bring myself to bother him too much or to call him considering the fact I'm a chicken shit and fear of bothering him. I wonder if he misses me too. :(

Weird Dreams.

So earlier today I took a brief nap. During this nap I had a very strange and erotic dream that kind of disturbs me a bit. It goes something like this.

I go to visit a friend of mine. (This friend is really just an acquaintance in waking hours). It started off as a normal visit. We sit, conversate, watch movies and laugh at stupid shit. After a few drink in the dream this friend and I start having sex. Not just normal get to it sex. But highly erotic, everything you could think of AWESOME sex.
During our sexual escapade, Mark is standing outside the front door listening. He then burst in with a tear streaked face and started masturbating while crying uncontrollably. He is screaming at us and while he is doing this he is still being ignored despite his cries and behavior. We continue to fuck until all is done, satisfied and tired. Mark then is as my knees crying, asking why and if everything could be fixed. I tell him no its too late.
All of a sudden during these words being spoken a million cats fill up the house and start scratching us all to death, tearing at our flesh and hissing.

What the fuck? This dream disturbs me in many ways for some reason. One. I'm not a floozy so I just don't fuck whoever. The person in the dream is a friend but not one I have ever looked at in that way. Its a surprise as I usually don't have many erotic dreams...and when I do it usually is someone I am smitten on. Not some random guy in my circle of friends.
Another is Mark's behavior and just his part in the dream in general. I would not do him this way, and it is something that has never crossed my mind is to be so cold toward him. I have thought about going out and getting mine since we are no longer, but I still haven't for the fact of I would feel like a horrible cheating person even if I wasn't technically cheating. Also is just the masturbating in general. Is this guilt in the dream in my part for not fucking him for the past several months? I would think this to be counter productive on the "not a couple" situation. I don't know.
Then the cats is just weird. I love cats. Why were they so violent and the numbers of them many? Just strange.

I need therapy.

Ramblings of nonsense

The past year has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. Between being a working full time mother of 2 and dealing with all the things life has thrown at me, I seem to have become very unstable within my own head. Some days are better than others, but every day seems to be a struggle just to keep my head above water. I'm trying to change this but have just seemed unsuccessful in doing so. I'm trying my hand of writing again ...although badly instead of venting on Facebook... and I know I will not be able to explain things that go on in my brain...But its a shot.
Mark and I are no longer a couple. We are very good friends but with certain current events of the both of us being unhappy, his bi polar and lack of acceptance to help of it, intense arguments and even actual physical fights we both agreed we are just not good for the other.
That being said, we still live together and love the other very much. But it is awkward. We do what we have to do daily like work, care for our children and all other life's errands necessary for survival like normal as if we were still a couple, but there is no "couple" relationship other wise. Neither of us make enough money to be able to live separately with 2 kids. I have found this can be very heart retching and lonely at times. A big part of me loves him and always will. It is hard to say the end of something that lasted so long but yet is still in your face. I'm sure he feels the same way. I can't seem to let go or find my own way. I can't imagine and fear being on my own and I worry what Mark would do with me not here. I feel at a loss at the confusion and cluster fuck of this situation.
Other times I just want to leave. Take my children and run. Of course I wouldn't fathom actual doing so. Mark is a good father and has been trying immensely to make better of things. But I don't feel....free. I'm not ready for any kind of romance or relationship but it would be nice not to worry about the whole "Oh...by the way...my ex husband and I are roommates...I hope that isn't a problem" conversation. Also I find it would be disrespectful. Mark is a good man who doesn't deserve that and who wouldn't be angry to see their other with another person? Its difficult for those who do not live together...I can only imagine the level of emotion and events that could happen while in the same household. Also needless to say after 12 years and only one man in that time and the very very few partners before hand, my experience in dating, sex and over all social flirtatious skills are underdeveloped. (well....sex isn't...but the fear of having it with someone else is there.) There is still a lot of attachment and guilt of doing so in mind. Guilt is a big one. I will get to that later.

My kids are wonderful. Breanna is the normal sassy, beautiful intelligent and creative 6 year old little girl. I envy her outlook and perspective on everything. Her focus on detail is amazing and her logic is mind boggling for someone of her age. Her drawings, made up songs and dances never fail to brighten my day. She is attending pre k and is progressing beautifully. I'm very proud of her.
Lucian is the typical hyper, into everything little boy. His laugh is contagious and smile is winning. His curiosity is never ending. He has to know how everything works, smells, feels and in some reckless embarrassing cases....taste. He at times spends hours fiddling with objects taking them apart and putting them back together. His favorite pass time at the moment is wondering what else he can do to scare the living day lights out of the cat. He is my little man and the joy he and Breanna bring to me....well...I wouldn't be here without it.

Besides relationship confusion at home that keeps me up at night. My brain at times feels wired incorrectly. I will have an amazing day yet still will come home depressed or angry at my life. At times it gets in the way of me being a good mother to my kids (this is something that WILL stop) which rips out my heart when all they want to do is play or for me to read them a book and I don't simply because it seems like an overwhelming task at the time or I let my inner sadness consume and I can't bring myself to actually enjoy it enough to do whatever it is they want me to do. This isn't something I let happen often. But it has...and it eats at me. I feel like a shit mother. All I do is work and deal with the rest life throws at me. I never can seem to find enough time with them and as said..sometimes have not felt like the time spent with them was in their best interest. I worry if I am damaging my children. I worry if I am doing the best I can to shape them into the future adults they will be with the skills needed for life. I worry if they love me.
Why am I low? I don't know. I have a great family and wonderful friends. Beautiful children. A job. All the things I need and most of my wants. I have a lot of regrets that eat at me, a go no where relationship that most of the time I feel should have ended long ago before now, never finishing school ( yea...I am changing that too) I wonder about past events or opportunities I should have taken but didn't due to Mark or being irresponsible. Mark being mentioned, I always felt guilty for enjoying or doing something that could be good for me and my future. He never wanted to do these things so I felt guilty if I wanted to. So. I never did.
I worry too much what people think of me. I have always been one that aimed to please doing anything in my power to help or please someone. Mainly because I really want to help someone and feel good about it. But I admit to also doing things for some in order to feel accepted and appreciated.(this has gotten me into the predicament of being taken advantage of...a lot) I've never felt pretty or thought of myself remotely so. Being over weight now with the face of a bad Velma from Scooby doo has caused serious issues on my self image despite what others have said. I've always been awkward and my humor is odd or dry. I wonder if they think me ignorant as although I don't find myself to be so...I'm definitely not the brightest. My close friends I even wonder this even when I know they don't. I am (obviously) very down on myself and pretty emo...which is annoying. I fear this will if not already cause my friends to not want to be around me which in turn has me worrying about what they think of me again. Its a cycle.

Not all is dark. I have 3 friendships I can not live without. I love them all dearly and would do anything for them. Most recent friendship developed over the past 2 years with a co worker of mine. He is a comedian and has brought a lot of laughter and light into my life. Something I am eternally grateful for. I have gotten into the habit of going to comedy shows as a release from reality even if for a brief moment thanks to him. It has helped me immensely when things are not so happy. He is an amazing and beautiful man both outside and in. Good taste in music, movies....just about anything really. His outlook on life is something I wish I could see from his eyes and his respect for others is something you just don't see any more. Now we are at the guilt part from earlier in the blog.
Although we are just very close, good friends. I have found myself in love with my new found friend. There isn't a day I don't want to see or talk to him. There isn't a long period of time when I don't wonder what he is doing or how he is getting along. I can't imagine him not being in my life. I always wished for more than our friendship but feared losing it. I also felt/feel guilty because of emotional attachment to Mark still. I wondered if it could be and if it would be better. I've wondered if he has felt the same way. All this guilt,wondering, hopes and wishing has kept me awake many many nights.
In recent weeks, my dear friend has moved to Florida (ha...ironically) to pursue a better life and hopefully find his place in a career of comedy. Although I am very happy for him for wanting to better his life and I have very high hopes of his success and future, I suddenly feel very lost. I miss him so much it hurts and find myself in tears knowing I won't see him the next day at work or to hear him laugh or speak of encouragement as well as blunt truths. Of course there is facebook or the phone. But it isn't the same. As silly as it sounds...I feel broken without him here.

This was a very long...very boring....very whinny post. Maybe the next won't be so bad.

It's been a really....long time.

So folks I disappeared for the longest time from my blog. No worries I'm still here. I happen to stay busy with 2 children under the age of 6 and work full time. Things have been well for the most part. Breanna and Lucian are typical children and are adorable as always. Breanna is now in preschool and doing very well. She has grown into such a beautiful and smart little girl. The way she sees the world and her positive funny outlook brings a smile to my face everyday. Lucian is the most adventurous and inquisitive little boy I have ever met. His easy going laugh and random hugs never cease to brighten my day. Both of my children are so different from each other but yet so alike in many way. They are my heart, soul and the reason I am here. I feel blessed just to have the privilege to call them mine. Mark is now attending college at MCTC and trying to better himself. Something of which I am very proud of him for. He has been wanting to continue his education for a long time now and finally got up the gall to get out there and try. I hope he succeeds and will find happiness in it.

As for me, well, I guess I'm ok.

Since moving back to WV, things have been a roller coaster for both Mark and myself. Mark has went through a lot with his bi polar, back issues and school. I've went through a lot with his bi polar, work and just my own head in general. Our relationship has been strained quite a bit due to a little of everything. To make long stories short however. We are getting through all of it in our own ways together and for ourselves. Its a working process with a lot of details and situations I don't feel like mentioning so you will just have to take my word for it.

My life as of lately has been chaotic routine. I know that doesn't make sense but it is what it is. We go through everyday life routines. Work, school, kids and daily chores. In between we try to make time to get a little bit of us time whether we do something together or I will go off and spend time with friends and on playdates with the kids. Little things will happen however and then its when chaos seems to happen. Something will set off Mark's bi polar then we walk and pins and needles. We end up fighting over stupid relentless and pathetic bullshit. I end up bitter and a little bi polar myself it seems. Once again. Working process. Some days are better than others. Being understanding and taking on most of the responsibility like working, doing all the household chores and anything to do with the kids like doctors appointments or just playing so he isn't so stressed is draining me. I stay stressed myself, but hey. I'm wonder woman.

I find myself lately looking at myself a lot. I try to be a good person. I'm kind. I'm trying to stand by the man I love. I take on a lot because I care. I'm a good mom. My kids are amazing and I'm so proud of both of them. I do however at times find myself to be very ugly (inside and out) I can be very negative and when things don't go according to plan or bad things just happen period I feel like I'm drowning and the world is coming apart. Dramatic right? Not intended I assure you. When things become bad at home ( mark is a good man. He doesn't beat me or speak down to me but his own issues do come out often and its not pretty) I find myself wondering why I bother. I wonder what it would be like to just do things myself and become single since I pretty much do everything myself. Mark tries, but in his trying I still HAVE to do what I do no matter what kind of day I'm having or how I'm feeling. Then I see the good things he is and remember why I am here, so here I am.

One of the things that get me through as cliche as it may sound is my friends. I love them dearly and with all that I've been going through whether it be bad or good they are there. I don't have many but the ones I have are amazing. I am very grateful for them and my children. Without either I would see no point in being here as sad as it sounds. They have seen me at all ends of the spectrum of emotion whether it be down and out, angry and just chipper as can be. They have supported and helped me in ways I will never be able to pay back and can't ask for better people in my life. I love you guys <3

Anyways I am now bringing this to a close. I wrote out of boredom and curiosity since it had been so long since I've been on here. I may take it up again as it was a healthy way for me to rant. Peace.